“Management is about arranging and telling. Leadership is about nurturing and enhancing.” - Tom Peters
If you have read my book The People Project, read my blog for any length of time, or sat in the audience where I have spoken may be know my communication mantra: Ask More, Tell Less, Teach When You Can.
Photo Credit: Chris Gilmore via Compfight
Communication, the Human Connection
Paul Meyer correctly identifies communication as “the human connection”. If you believe, as I do that the business of business is people, making the human connection is a key to personal and business success.
With the help of the Quill Pig (the lovable porcupine) we can recognize the negative emotional affect of telling in communication. Telling usually shuts down dialog, discovery, and personal contribution. Effective leaders avoid “telling” as a communication style because telling pushes people away.
The secret to leading people is to ask more and tell less. It is to use open-ended questions because asking …
- Encourages the exchange of ideas, discussion, dialogue
- Sends a message of value, respect, and honor
- Signals trust and appreciation
- Flows from a place of freedom
- Indicates a released need to control
What’s your communication goal?
Whereas telling pushes people away asking invites people to stay. To encourage others to stay engaged in a conversation, solution-seeking, problem solving, or decision making is the desired outcome.
Of course there will be a time to provide direction or advocate how something must be done. Go for it…be a great teacher, but tap into the resource of the other person(s), first.
Why don’t we ask more?
When communication is about exchanging information in order to achieve something, why this tendency to tell and push others away?
If telling is less productive, why do we tell so much?
Here are five reasons we tend to tell. What do you think?
- Excessive Control – this need to limit or restrict what happens: who does what on a project. Whether driven by perfectionism or an unwillingness to delegate, trying to control by telling limits the opportunity for others to contribute, to grow, to develop their skills
- Fear – anxiety regarding how it might turn out if we open the conversation to others can drive a telling style in order to“minimize the risk”
- Defensiveness – telling as a means of preventing communication. As Abraham Maslow points out, “Behavior in the human being is sometimes a defense, a way of concealing motives and thoughts, as language (telling?) can be a way of hiding your thoughts and preventing communication.” (Emphasis added)
- Pace – the deceptive thought is it takes “too much time” to engage people in dialogue; just tell them what to do
- Habit – whether you think “telling” is a bad communication habit or not, if it is a regularly repeated behavior pattern it is a habit
Do you want the power?
Chief Justice of the United States, John Marshall writes, “To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.”
To summarize …
- People appreciate the respect and honor associated with being asked for their thoughts and input
- People - especially talented people - resist being told what to do
- To ask open-ended quesitons invites people to stay and engage; telling pushes them away
One secret to leading people is to develop the habit of using this leadership skill: asking well-crafted, open-ended questions. This alone will enlarge your influnece and take your communication to the next level.
The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another. – William James
Last week I mentioned the remodeling project we have in progress.
If you have lived through and lived in a remodeling project you know there’s just no easy way to get from here to there. This project – like so much of life – is about making change.
 Photo Credit: Martin Gommel via Compfight
This task has reminded me of life in relationship to the “stress” of having so many people involved in the success of the project. Better said, having to “rely upon” others to do what they said they would do.
The Benefits of Stress
Our body is designed to handle stress efficiently and effectively. Who doesn’t want support for making decisions, more energy, and physical strength? As The American Institute of Stress points out the body is quick to support our safety when we are threatened.
- Heart rate and blood pressure soar to increase blood flow to the brain
- Blood sugar rises to furnish the fuel for power output
- Blood flow is shunted from the gut to the large muscles for additional strength, speed
- Clotting occurs more quickly in case of injury to limit blood loss
This was great news for our ancestors.
The Dangerous Side
Henry Kissinger is quoted to have said, “There cannot be a stressful crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” You see where this is going, right?
Why is UN-necessary stress dangerous and identified as “America’s No. 1 Health Problem”?
Contemporary stress tends to be more pervasive, persistent and insidious because it stems primarily from psychological than physical threats.
…the nature of stress for modern man is not an occasional confrontation with a saber-toothed tiger or a hostile warrior but rather a host of emotional threats like getting stuck in traffic and fights with customers, co-workers, or family members that often occur several times a day. Unfortunately, our bodies still react with these same, archaic fight or flight responses that are now not only not useful but potentially damaging and deadly. Repeatedly invoked, it is not hard to see how they can contribute to hypertension, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes, ulcers, neck or low back pain and other “Diseases of Civilization”.
More bad news for our times and health…
Many of these effects are due to increased sympathetic nervous system activity and an outpouring of adrenaline, cortisol and other stress-related hormones. Certain types of chronic and more insidious stress due to loneliness, poverty, bereavement, depression and frustration due to discrimination are associated with impaired immune system resistance to viral linked disorders ranging from the common cold and herpes to AIDS and cancer. Stress can have effects on other hormones, brain neurotransmitters, additional small chemical messengers elsewhere, prostaglandins, as well as crucial enzyme systems, and metabolic activities that are still unknown. Research in these areas may help to explain how stress can contribute to depression, anxiety and its diverse effects on the gastrointestinal tract, skin and other organs.
The Simple Solution
Okay, we both know there is no simple solution. However, the helpful thing I found myself doing during this remodel project when it was NOT going the way I expected was this …
Let it go.
Will my life be harmed if the plumber is late and creates a domino effect with the other contractors? No, it is not life threatening.
Let it go.
Now, the question can be asked: How do we move forward?
Once we let it go the choice not to fight, not to run can be made. When we make the choice to stay and engage solutions and helpful decision making can be pursued.
Have I lessened my stress? Yes. Now, I may show up better (improved performance) and live longer as I make this simple solution a habit.
Let’s see, I could create a flow chart to add to my coaching tools. Or, I could write another page outlining stress relievers. For sure, I could be anxious about what I think you think of my “simple solution”…but, that would create unnecessary stress so I choose to let it go.
When will you practice with me?
Let it go.
Please forward to a friend or colleague.
Pick up your copy of my new book:
THE PEOPLE PROJECT:
Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader
Order your copy today!
Today, you awaken to a day in which you have the power to make and inspire change.– Steve Marboli
We are hosting a mini-family reunion in a couple of weeks. We are also in the middle of an overdue remodeling our upstairs bathroom. There’s just no easy way to get from here to there when it comes to such a project.
Photo Credit: Karen Horton via Compfight
This project – like so much of life – is about making change.
Now, my not-so-favorite part of this story involves an electrical task.
It’s simple, right … like change? Remove the old bathroom light/ventilator/heater unit; replace it with a light/ventilator unit and add a new light over the shower. The sheet rock is ripped out; how hard can this be?
Change, it’s not Hard, it’s just not Easy
After several hours I realized day dreaming about this simple project was not going to change reality. I had wasted several hours working on it, Larry and I wasted some more time and we did not experience the thrill of victory; only the agony of defeat.
Truth, shining ever so brightly, revealed the obvious: it’s time to call an expert. (Note: if you live in Tulsa and ever need an electrician, David with Covenant Electric is high on my referral list.)
The next morning, David walks-in, looks at the situation – the mess – and reports he will return in a couple of hours to take care of it. Sure enough, right after lunch, he walks in and makes the changes … he makes it look easy. I was quite happy to write him a check, but disappointed thinking about the wasted time. What was I thinking when I took it on myself?
The Five D’s of Making Change Happen
From this simple story, I thought of what helps us make change. The presupposition is that the need for change is recognized.
- Dream – what does “it” look like once the change is completed? What does the new reality look like? What are the benefits sought? How do I want my life to be different?
- Desire – to pursue substantial change, you really have to want it. A wish won’t move you past day-dreaming; much less help you get it done!
- Deadline – to make change happen, set a date to get started. If it is a project, decide when it will be completed; if a behavior change, when will you practice the new approach?
- Determination – you want change; now, as you begin, understand resistance will meet you and making the change will take tenacity.
- Delegate – experts are people with strengths you don’t have and who love what you don’t enjoy; let them in, let it go … find the support you need to get there.
Here’s to Your Future Success
As you’ve often heard me say, the best predictor of future success is the willingness and ability to learn and change, achieved through consistent reflection on truth found in the story.
The truth is, I will call an electrician first next time I need a change in wiring around our house. That ensures the success of our next remodeling project.
What change do you need to make?
If you like this article, who could you forward it to?
Pick up your copy of my new book:
THE PEOPLE PROJECT:
Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader
Order your copy today!
Rest when you’re weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work. – Ralph Marston
Sam, (not his real name) is burning the candle at both ends as an executive. The company is experiencing a lot of change. Keeping all the plates spinning is difficult. The high energy and extended work time is beginning to affect his relationships and his work.
Recently, he shared this important observation:
I see that when I am very tired and in need I do the worst thing I could, I assume that (others know) what I need and (when) I do not get a response, I experience that as rejection of me…not as just an unmet need.
Photo Credit: Giovanni Orlando via Compfight
What happens when you are weary?
When you run out of strength, patience, or endurance that is weariness. When your energy runs low and you experience a loss of vitality, vigor, or liveliness that is weariness. When you’re physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual resources are used up that is weariness … and there is a price to be paid.
For Sam, he observed his communication becomes less effective, assumptions rise, and he begins to misinterpret reality: “they are rejecting me”.
When weary we wrestle more and succeed less in life — whether in a given moment, for a season, or over a lifetime. How weary are you?
What do the weary miss?
According to Michael Breus, PhD daytime fatigue is costly.
Sleep affects our ability to think, react, remember, and solve problems. One study showed that people who slept six hours or fewer at night for two weeks did just as poorly on mental tests as people who hadn’t slept at all for two nights. The catch is that we may develop some tolerance to lack of sleep and aren’t aware how much our alertness and performance is really suffering. (Emphasis added)
In terms of you better get some rest, people with insomnia are …
…twice as likely as well-rested people to have a car crash due to fatigue. They’re eight times more likely to have an accident at work. If they have an injury, insomnia can slow their recovery. In addition, people with insomnia are more likely to:
- Miss work
- Make bad decisions
- Take more risks
- Have trouble concentrating
- Be irritable
- Be depressed
- Eat foods high in calories
Symptoms of daytime fatigue include:
- Weariness, weakness, and/or depleted energy
- Lack of motivation
- Poor performance
- Memory problems
- Lack of productivity
- Prone to errors and mistakes
- Depression
- Low interest in being social
The realities of fatigue are wearisome. Which do you identify with?
Get some rest, not more coffee!
Let’s start with the basics; what if you are not sleeping well?
Why are you not sleeping well or enough?
Now, what will you do about it?
We could dig into this more, sleep is the subject of much research but it’s late in the afternoon and I’m tired; that’s all for now.
What do you think?
If you like this article, who could you forward it to?
Pick up your copy of my new book:
THE PEOPLE PROJECT:
Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader
Order your copy today!
You’re off to Great Places! Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting, So… get on your way!
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
Recently, I gave three simple, but powerful questions. Each begs your attention and consideration. The answers determine whether you will reach your next level in life. Here they are …
- What got you HERE?
- Where is THERE?
- How will you get THERE?
What’s your dream?
“There” could also be called your dream. What DO you hope for or long for? What is your dream, where is “There” for you?
What significant achievement do you long to reach?
What do you purpose to accomplish before your Story ends?
This is not daydreaming; it is your contribution to the world, your “art” as Seth Godin calls it.
The Story of Caine’s Arcade
Will you invest 11 minutes in your Story? I really hope you are free to create space and watch this video. It is remarkable; I believe you will be encouraged.
What could happen?
You will hear this Story, be inspired to act, and someone – like Caine – will see their dream come true because of the help you provide. (Be sure to watch through the end, credits and all.)
When do dreams come true?
Here are the three “truths” I take away from this Story …
- Passion is required in the pursuit of a Dream
- Discouragement is no match for determination
- Support is essential for all Dreamers
So, when do dreams come true?
When there is passion about something yet to be, determination that overcomes the resistance, and support from others, outside the dream.
How did Nirvan Mullick influence Caine’s Story? He noticed the dream of a Dreamer, he used his influence to lead, guide and direct the action of others, and he made his contribution out of his own passion.
What did you take away?
Whether you are keeping your dream alive or helping someone pursue their dream, here’s to you getting “There”.
Please comment below.
Who would you like to share this with?
Will you help with a Tweet, using LinkedIn or forward to a friend?
Looking for an easy read to sharpen your core people skills?
Order your copy of my new book …
THE PEOPLE PROJECT:
Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader
Order your copy today!
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