Mankind must evolve – for all human conflict – a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such method is love.   – Martin Luther King, Jr.*

With the expectation to “do more with less” and the bare-bone staffing of business the pressure opens the door for increased interpersonal conflict.

Time-starved and sleep-deprived, people are showing up at work fatigued creating more opportunity conflict and frustration.

How do you handle the conflict?

What can you do to move from conflict – whether a colleague, direct report, family or the driver in the next lane – to a workable solution?

Here is a short video coaching tip (less than 2 minutes) on the subject:

What do you think?

How does fear, conformity, or laziness show up in creating solutions?

How well are you seeing past the problem?

How well are you seeing the people?

Please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

*American Baptist Minister and Civil-Rights Leader. (1929-1968) Source: thinkexist.com

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting place.   

– Dorothy Nevill

Photo by Clarity on flickr

When was the last time you were in a meeting or a hallway conversation where you were 1) caught you off guard 2) talking about something that really matters, and 3) you were emotionally stirred up?

Okay, maybe it wasn’t at the office. Think of the story when this happened; did you lean into it, emotionally engaged but not thinking clearly? Or did you back away, let it go, but left it unresolved?

Here’s a video where I provide four steps on how to re-visit the conversation; return to have a “hard chat”. I hope you’ll take a moment to watch it…

How to have a “Hard Chat” from Steve Laswell on Vimeo.

Four steps to an effective hard chat:

1. Headline: what do you want to talk with them about?
2. State the Facts: what happened? Not what you thought about it, your opinion on the meeting…just the facts: what happened?
3. Ask the Question: ask an open-ended question (cannot be answered yes or no) that engages the other person in dialogue
4. Silence.  Wait for their response; repeat the question if necessary, but wait for their answer.

This is not hard to do, it’s just not easy.  Rehearsing is important, especially when the emotions want to take charge.  You may find it helpful to write your thoughts out. Edit. Listen for and eliminate judgmental words or opinions … factually speaking, what happened?

What do you think; please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

You must stick to your conviction, but be ready to abandon your assumptions.  – Denis Waitley

Photo from Dell's Official Flickr Page

As you read this post, “I’m enjoying some well deserved rest and relaxation this week.”

There, I said it, I declared what I believe…and without a “qualifier” on the end.

I could have written – as is often spoken:

“I’m enjoying some well deserved rest and relaxation this week, you know what I mean?”

“I’m enjoying some well deserved rest and relaxation this week, at least I think I deserve it, what do you think?”

A bit of an exaggerated example…but do I deserve time off?

Yes, I do.

Period.

No justification, no rationalization, no hope you think so – tagged on.

Here is a great video illustrating, with humor, my message; a video poem by Taylor Mali. (2 minutes 45 seconds)

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

Last week, I wrote about using raising the human voice.

Today, the question is: How effectively do you use your voice to communicate what you believe?

Silenced or silent voices are leadership limiters.

So is the current trend to speak with tentative inflection or unnecessary tag lines.

When you speak, what do others hear?

What do you think; please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people.

- Woodrow T. Wilson

Photo by US Mission Geneva

We were at Border’s Cafe for Rachel’s coaching appointment. We had identified part of what was holding her back as a leader – a lack of confidence; she was not using her voice effectively.

If leadership is about having influence it’s pretty hard to achieve if your voice is silent. While she was writing in her coaching journal, I excused myself.  Making my way to the check-out area there was a display rack of various gift cards.

I selected this gift card and gave it to Rachel. I suggested the gift card message could serve as a reminder back at the corporate offices. She agreed and placed on her desk where she would see it.

Beyond the sound made when we use our vocal organs, voice represents our ability to express our thoughts, to contribute to the conversation.

Recently I have been amazed at how often this matter of being heard has come up. The stories reveal the affect of not being heard by the boss or sometimes, a complete lack of response to ideas.

What’s the affect of a silent voice?

When there is a failure to listen, to hear someone’s voice there is a price to pay. The ramification when leaders fail to lift every voice is significant; for example:

• The loss of employee engagement
• Doubt regarding one’s value to the organization
• The lack of respect diminishes trust
• Innovation is limited
• Opportunity for improvement, lost

How often does limiting another’s voice become a strategy to suppress their ideas?

How often is limiting another’s voice driven by a need to control.

To silence the voice of others is a leadership limiting behavior.

Whose voice and whose responsibility is it?

There are two sides to this story; it’s not always the boss not listening. Bret Simmons, faculty member of the College of Business, University of Nevada – Reno recently wrote about how beliefs can lead to a self-limiting use of the voice.

Referencing The Academy of Management Journal study by James Detert and Amy Edmondson; he summarizes five beliefs that can misguide employee thoughts towards those in authority causing them to exhibit “self-protective silence”.

1. Negative career consequences of voice: e.g. if you want advancement opportunities in today’s world, you have to be careful about pointing out needs for improvement to those in charge

2. Don’t embarrass the boss in public: e.g. you should always pass your ideas for improvement by the boss in private first, before you speak up publicly at work.

3. Don’t bypass the boss upward: e.g. loyalty to your boss means you don’t speak up about problems in front of his or her boss.

4. Need solid data or solutions (to speak up): e.g. unless you have clear solutions, you shouldn’t speak up about problems.

5. Presumed target identification: e.g. it is not good to question the way things are done because those who have developed the routines are likely to take it personally.

From my executive coaching experience, a silent voice is a shared leadership challenge. Yes, some leaders driven by insecurity, the pace of life, a need to control, or due to poor communication skills silence the voices. However, some employees – misguided by false beliefs – remain in silence.

Bottom line: silence limits leadership effectiveness. Where are you in the story?

THE PEOPLE PROJECT NOW AVAILABLE

If you think this might be a handy guide for you or someone in your circle of influence I would really appreciate it if you would help me offer the coaching support this book provides.

Order your copy from Amazon today.

 Whether something brings them joy or pain, when people share and engage in communities, they form bonds and relationships with others who acknowledge their situation.  – Liana Evans, from post on Search Engine Watch  

Last week I shared the story behind co-hosting the #leadfromwithin Tweet Chat with Lolly Daskal and the role of social media.

The theme of our #leadfromwithin Tweet Chat is Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead.  If you have not participated in this social media platform I encourage you to explore.

Recent co-hosts of #leadfromwithin include Jesse Lyn Stoner, co-author with Ken Blanchard the book Full Steam Ahead her topic was Connecting through Community.

The following week after me Bret L. Simmons - faculty of the College of Business at the University of Nevada, Reno – co-hosted the Tweet Chat on Dare to Trust.

How does the #leadfromwithin chat room work? Ten questions are tweeted during the hour; the community tweets and interacts. Lolly provides a full transcript (go here for Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead.) for review. 

Here are some of the Tweets others shared on my topic …

 Q1: What is the power of “story”?

@scedmonds: Story is the weaving of our past with our potential future.

@emeliasam: Stories are formats that are universally understood…that is power.

@KamKansas: You can’t hate someone once you know their story.

@drbret: Stories are intimate, personal. Good stories connect on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level.

@Steve_Sass: Story provides examples of past experience to inspire future success.

@EdwardColozzi: Story is the way we humans strive to express, teach, learn, honor, and remember each other.

@juanortiztweets: Stories allow us to examine what we do with what has been done, and learn from the good and bad on both sides.

@CareerSpan: The narrator is the main character experiencing every emotion and thought.

@KateNasser: The power of story – it ignites more thoughts than the information delivered.

@gracinginginity: If you listen you may discover someone else’s nugget of gold.

@JesseLynStoner: Stories are how the ancient bards transmitted our culture.

@grit08: It lives and breathes your truth.

@LollyDaskal: Wherever I go, I find that my story has been there before me.

@StrategicMonk: Story is narrative; it is how we understand how our experiences fit together and shape who we have become up to now.

@OlliesLounge: Stories engage you, show you a new world.

@ThinDifference: Story is what people will say about you after the dust settles.

@John_Paul: Story has the power to capture our imagination and take us on adventures into new domains.

@LynnFishman: Stories speak to the dreamer in all of us.

@scedmonds: Stories connect the HEART with the HEAD and can inspire marvelous success.

@Josepf: Stories can also be FALSE, and when we tell them others can listen and help guide/point-out to then allow for renewal.

@Natasha_D_G: Story is powerful as it connects the dots transforming specks into a valuable picture.

@KateNasser: Stories used in teaching allow students to discover the truth vs. hear the truth.

@TerriKlass: Stories help us to define ourselves and understand where we need to go.

@emmakuhlpitts: People love hearing stories because it makes it personal.

@Versalytics: Stories provide a means to connect and paint pictures.

@JFeskorn: Our Story: where we’ve been, who we are becoming, and who we want to be.

@KamKansas: We are hard-wired for stories. We don’t put our kids to bed with PowerPoints of the Three Little Pigs.

@Cybuhr: A book must be open for the story to be read. We must be open to share our story.

@LollyDaskal: Tell your story, change the world.

@growinggold: Just off the phone w/my mother…today’s been an emotional day…hoping #leadfromwithin lifts my spirits; reminds me why I am here!

@soniafarace: Stories give us inspiration to move forward and believe that he impossible IS POSSIBLE

@scedmonds: The most inspired speakers connect us with ideas through stories. They make sense and provide meaning. 

To read the tweets for the other nine questions go here for the transcript.

Q2: What happens when we pay attention to our story?

Q3: What are the benefits of embracing our story?

Q4: Why do we resist our story?

Q5: How does listening to our story accelerate personal growth?

Q6: How does story guide our future?

Q7: How do we use story telling in leadership?

Q8: How do we engage story to develop leaders?

Q9: What happens when you know someone’s story?

Q10: What have you learned from your own story?

How would you answer these questions? Which answers resonate with you? 

When will you slip in the Tweet Chat room? 

I hope you enjoy this story behind a Tweet Chat – Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead. For more background you can read my post here.

Part of this story, for me, is the potential of social media.

• A connection is made through LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, etc.
• Then deepened…cultivated using the phone or in person

Lolly, please accept my gratitude for our new connection. Yes, for the privilege of being a part of your #leadfromwithin community of reflective, caring people.  

Come by any Tuesday, 8:00 pm Eastern; www.tweetchat.com enter #leadfromwithin or visit Lolly Daskal.   

Guess what? You may find a party…a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships. 

So go ahead and join the party (social media). But think of it as just that – a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships, many which lead to business opportunities.  – David Meerman Scott

What if?

Please share your comments below.

So go ahead and join the party (social media). But think of it as just that – a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships, many which lead to business opportunities.  – David Meerman Scott 

Social Media creates opportunities to connect with others like never before. David Meerman Scott likes to think of the Web as a city. For him social media – LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, etc. are the “cocktail parties”.

That’s how Lolly Daskal and I connected March 22; she sent this message through LinkedIn:

Steve,

I was wondering if you would be interested in being a guest on my #leadfromwithin leadership chat.
Let me know.

Thanks
Lolly

The next day we connected by phone and enjoyed a twenty, “New York Minute” call. (Yes, we covered a lot of ground quickly). Our phone call allowed us to connect at a deeper level as we shared our passion for people development and supporting one another to achieve our best.

And with that, Lolly invited me to co-host her significant #leadfromwithin Tweet Chat. I still remember hanging up and wondering “What did I just agree to?”  You see, at that time I was a newbie on Twitter and slow to embrace it.

As Lolly laid out her goal for the one hour Tweet Chat, it captured my heart as an executive coach. Each week she her co-host is to Teach, Inspire, and Empower. When you visit her leadership chat room you’ll see how #leadfromwithin has a heart-centered, inside/out theme associated with personal growth and leadership – the people.

The moment arrived Tuesday, May 17.  My theme – Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead. 

Here are the 10 questions tweeted during the hour. Yes, there were a lot of great thoughts, but for now, here are mine.

 Q1: What is the power of “story”?

A1: Story allows objectivity and context so we can see what we missed in real time

A1: Story gives us freedom to edit, but not re-write

A1: Story invites us to engage the process of change & personal development          

Q2: What happens when we pay attention to our story? 

A2: We become more receptive to feedback, experience, success & failure found in the Story

A2: We can escape deception, whether self-imposed or coming from others 

Q3: What are the benefits of embracing our story?

 A3: Embracing our story can free us from hiding; now, the past is just part of the story, not who I am

A3: Embracing our story can free us from what holds us back as we seek transformation         

Q4: Why do we resist our story? 

A4: It can be passive resistance since it takes time to reflect; we must create space for consistent reflection

A4: Fear…what might I hear or see or have to “deal with” IF I give careful thought to my story?

A4: To avoid personal responsibility; we’re stuck blaming, complaining, living w/victim mentality or a critical spirit 

Q5: How does listening to our story accelerate personal growth?             

Q5: We must slow down to speed up the process of development

Q5: Growth comes when we connect our ability and willingness to learn and change to our story

Q5: By paying attention…noticing is usually the first step to learning 

Q6: How does story guide our future? 

 A6: When we’re listening, Story will show us how a different response will move us in the right direction

A6: With freedom comes the ability to act without fear; to embrace my story means I CAN write a new chapter, my future 

Q7: How do we use story telling in leadership?

A7: Leaders persuade; facts tell, stories sell

A7: Leaders understand the place of story in leading, guiding, and influencing people

A7: Leaders pay attention to the organization’s story and keep telling it           

Q8: How do we engage story to develop leaders?

 A8: Development reaches outside oneself to help another change, become stronger, or more successful

A8: By example: Listen. Learn. Lead. It really is your story, my story, OUR story

Q9: What happens when you know someone’s story?          

A9: We will begin to SEE the people, not just the problem

A9: We extend grace: everyone has a story

A9: We can begin to appreciate who they are and maybe why they show up ‘that way’

Q10: What have you learned from your own story?

A10: I am responsible, grace is available, and God is faithful; the business of life is people…we need each other.

If you enjoyed this story behind Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead. you can read my post here.

For me, this story is the story behind social media.

A connection is made.  

The connection is deepened and cultivated by time over the phone and in person. When we listen to and learn from the Story (yes, listen to and learn from others) we will lead better lives. 

Lolly, accept my gratitude for our new connection. Yes, for the privilege of being a part of your #leadfromwithin community of reflective, caring people. 

Now, when will you slip in the back of the room? 

When? Any Tuesday, 8:00 pm Eastern; www.tweetchat.com enter #leadfromwithin or visit Lolly Daskal. 

Guess what? You may find a party “…a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships.”

What if?

Please share your comments below.

People who fail to achieve their goals usually get stopped by frustration.  

- Anthony Robbins

Relationships are often strained due to frustration, the frustration created by poorly communicated expectations. 

Can you think of a relationship where you are experiencing frustration?

Now, think about why you are frustrated; is there an unfulfilled expectation? If so, what is it? 

*Lori’s relationship with her CEO is strained. Her recent performance review was lower than the previous years.  During the review, the CEO also told her he wants a 35% reduction in production time by year end; it was not discussed.  She nods and leaves his office.

What do you think?  How do you think their relationship is affected? How frustrated is she, based on this poorly communicated expectation?  How inspired? Motivated? Encouraged?  

This story became the perfect moment to explore the foundational leadership and communication skill of setting expectations. 

Fueling the Conflict  

Notice the negative progression of how well expectations are communicate (or not) and how this leads to interpersonal conflict.   

• un EXPRESSED – Telling, without communicating
• un EXAMINED – Telling, without seeking to understand
• un REALISTIC – Telling, without concern for practicality
• un FULFILLED – Frustration and limited opportunity

UN-desired outcome: interpersonal conflict.  

Four Steps to Effectively Set Expectations 

While it will require time on the front end to prepare and set expectations, it will pay off. Compared to the cost of frustration in your organization or relationships is it worth the extra effort?  What is the cost of a missed deadline?  What is the cost of disengagement? What is the cost of lost opportunities?

Consider these four steps the next time you need to set an expectation: 

1.  Communicate 

• Why does it matter?
• Ask and probe the 5W Questions: Who? What? When? Where? Why?
• Is this expectation realistic? How do I know that?
• Can they do what I’m asking?
• What do we need to happen? 

 2.  Commitment

• How do you know you have buy-in?
• How will you know they “own it?
• Can they repeat the details, in their own words?
• How well do they understand what the desired outcome is? 

3.  Consequences

• Establish accountabilities
• What are the positive or negative consequences?
• What reward(s) can be attached to successful completion?
• What happens if the commitment is unfulfilled? 

4.  Coaching

• When will feedback be given?
• When will we re-negotiate, if need be?  
• How will I support their execution?

Before you say, “I don’t have time for all that!” how would you answer this question: 

How much time and energy do you spend managing relationship conflict due to unfulfilled expectations?

Lori, is a successful executive but left that meeting lacking clarity as to the CEO’s expectation.  How is this affecting her performance, engagement, and relationships?  What do you think? 

Please share your comments below.

*The name has been changed.

In this guest post, Teri Aulph shares insights on how to influence the work place climate and the relationships that surrounds us.  Leadership is influence and influence is exerted in the people space of life, which can be unfriendly and unproductive at times. Consider how to make a difference with Teri’s practical suggestions.  

Do you know someone who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and found they were victim to someone’s bad behavior?Remember when you were a teenager and your parents warned you to be cautious about with whom you hung out?

Influence is a powerful skill. It is not exclusive to designated ‘leaders’, it is often found running rampant in the ‘evil-doer’ group, as well. The defining difference is those who influence with positive intent tend to do so by example. They are not covert in how they deal with others and demonstrate a more transparent model of behavior. Their success is a by-product of how they choose to treat people, make positive choices and manage their careers…as opposed to those who create false facades and manipulate others and situations.

Those who have the ability to negatively impact your success take a very different approach. They often recruit others into their circle in order to gain negative consensus about the company, managers, co-workers, etc. They like to work through people to stir the pot or rock the boat. In this way, the light rarely shines on them minimizing their exposure. These people take the credit for the good results and point fingers of blame when things go wrong.

How can this potentially affect your success?

Most managers are aware of who these people are. They watch to see who migrates into their circles and may form opinions about people who choose to spend time with them. Why they don’t move them out is a different issue and one for a different article.

If you find yourself in a workgroup or team with people who focus on destroying individuals, companies and/or general morale, I suggest the following:

• Keep in mind negativity and destruction can only flourish if fed. Avoid feeling pressured to participate. Turning a deaf ear and withholding attention from these people will send a message that you aren’t available to partake.
• Identify people within your workgroup or team who are strong, productive and have a sense of moving forward with positive intent. These people do not spend time focusing on what isn’t working, but focus on continual improvement and celebrating success.
• Beware of those who enter into your company as ‘too good to be true’ and have a tendency to always agree and say what people want to hear. If they target decision makers for attention by overtly agreeing and lavishing compliments – red flags should fly.
• Destructive people rarely send consistent messages. They alter their attitudes, language and behavior based on to whom they are speaking. You may hear them bashing a manager to a group of co-workers and later find he/she lavishing praise on the same manager face-to-face. This is certainly not sustainable behavior, but may create havoc before it is discovered.
• Never compromise your personal integrity and ethics. Trust your instincts and if something ‘feels’ wrong, it probably should be questioned and is most likely wrong.
• Organizational cultures often feed negativity by lack of communication, without even realizing the result. If you find yourself surrounded by employees questioning management, try to get to the truth. Often it is very different than the creation of rumors.
• Last, but not least, be positive. This is one of the most powerful traits you have the ability to control. Assume positive intent and avoid those who spread negativity and relish in the demise of others.

There is no perfect workplace, but we can influence the climate and landscape of what surrounds us. Find a way to remain focused on what is working well today and how it can be improved tomorrow. 

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it’s time to check your yardstick.

- Bill Lemley

It was October 30, 1935 the Army Air Corp was testing and evaluating the Boeing fighter Model 299 at Wright Field, Dayton, Ohio.  John Schamel writes:

Wikimedia Commons Photo

The aircraft made a normal taxi and takeoff. It began a smooth climb, but then suddenly stalled. The aircraft turned on one wing and fell, bursting into flames upon impact. 

Putt, Benton, and Igo – although seriously burned – were able to stagger out of the wreckage to the arriving safety crews. Hill and Tower were trapped in the wreckage but were rescued by First Lieutenant Robert Giovannoli, who made two trips into the burning aircraft to rescue both men.

The investigation found “Pilot Error” as the cause. Hill, unfamiliar with the aircraft, had neglected to release the elevator lock prior to take off. Once airborne, Tower evidently realized what was happening and tried to reach the lock handle, but it was too late. 

It appeared that the Model 299 was dead. Some newspapers had dubbed it as ‘too much plane for one man to fly.’ Most of the aircraft contracts went to the runner-up, the Douglas DB-1. Some serious pleading and politicking by Air Corps officers gave Boeing a chance to keep the Model 299 project alive – 13 aircraft were ordered for ‘further testing’.

The 2nd Group’s operations were closely watched by Boeing, Congress, and the War Department. Any further accidents or incidents with the Model 299 would end its career. Commanders made this quite clear to all the crews. 

The pilots sat down and put their heads together. What was needed was some way of making sure that everything was done; that nothing was overlooked. What resulted was a pilot’s checklist… These checklists for the pilot and co-pilot made sure that nothing was forgotten. 

With the checklists, careful planning, and rigorous training, the twelve aircraft managed to fly 1.8 million miles without a serious accident. The U.S. Army accepted the Model 299, and eventually ordered 12,731 of the aircraft they numbered the B-17. 

Why a pilot’s check-list?  It provided some way of making sure that everything was done; that nothing was overlooked.  It can be a matter of life and death … success or failure.  

Prepare for Take-off 

While a pilot’s check-list deals with matters of life and death … clearly setting expectations affects our leadership success or failure. I believe effectively setting expectations is a key to lowering relationship frustration and achieving high performance. 

To accomplish your desired outcomes in business, career, or personal relationships expectations must be expressed and examined if they are to be executed. 

What did you expect? 

Expectations are a constant, whether we recognized them or not.  We will do well to pay attention to this leadership ability.

One primary indicator of unfulfilled expectations is frustration.  When frustrated, notice how often it starts with an unmet expectations … whether with oneself or others.

Answering the question: “What do you expect?” there is another question:  

What did they hear?    

When someone fails to meet your expectation what is your first response?

Sure, disappointment or exasperation is natural when plans are hindered or our desires go unmet.  Instead of giving way to the frustration, aggravation, annoyance, disappointment, or even anger … what if we take these emotional prompts to examine our expectations?

Unnatural as it may feel in the moment, it is time to examine how well we communicated.  As an alternative to blame consider looking for the truth in the story. 

That Yellow Light!

When do you like “hitting a yellow light”?  At the pace of life, most of us would say: “Never!”

You are a busy leader.  Everyone is busy.  Who isn’t being asked to do more with less? So, who has time to slow down in order to set expectations?  Do you thik pilots are in a hurry to get there?  Yet, they take the time to examine what he expects from his aircraft … it is a matter of life or death.

When coaching around expectations I provide my clients a “pilot’s check-list”; while rarely a matter of life or death, poorly set expectations often lead to failure.  

When we recognize frustration as a yellow light, warning us to stop, think, and examine the story, we will enjoy higher performance and greater success.  As you prepare for the conversation, consider asking such questions as:

• What do I expect?  Dig deep for the details…
• What is critical information around this expectation?
• How reasonable is the expectation?
• What did they hear? Do I have their buy-in?  Ask them to repeat, in their own words what you expect…
• What are the ramifications if this doesn’t happen? Rewards? Consequences?
• How will I coach them through to the finish?

John Schamel notes the success achieved after the “pilot check list” was put into play. 

With the checklists, careful planning, and rigorous training, the twelve aircraft managed to fly 1.8 million miles without a serious accident. The U.S. Army accepted the Model 299, and eventually ordered 12,731 of the aircraft they numbered the B-17.   

What’s your experience?

• How well are you setting expectations?
• Where are you experiencing frustration … how does it relate to unfulfilled expectations?
• Who are you frustrated with … yourself or others? 
• How might you improve expressing and examining expectations?

Please share your comments below.

Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.

                                                                                               -Elliot Larson 

A foundation to executive coaching is to help my client listen to the truth found in the story.  Whether it is feedback, experience, success or failure, the truth (facts and realities of our stories) will help us get to the next level as leaders.

A recent coaching session not only illustrates this but is the subject of today’s post. 

With very little “small talk”, Mike* begins with the statement, “It’s been a rough week.” Immediately he proceeds to share three stories from his past week:

• A necessary employee release
• A difficult conversation with a service provider
• A disappointing experience with a potential strategic partner

As he details the narratives, one key word continues to surface in my mind: expectations. When he finishes the last account I ask, “How do expectations play in each of these stories?” 

When are expectations NOT present?

For coaching around expectations, oxygen is my analogy of choice.  

Think about it, how much attention do you give to your need for oxygen?  Unless you have a medical condition, not much, right?  Most of us take oxygen into our lungs without thinking about it…inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale … breathing. 

Much like our relationship with oxygen, is there ever a moment that we don’t have an expectation? Think through your day … do you expect the alarm to go off or the front desk to call?  Do you expect light with the flip of the switch? Do you expect a change in room temperature with the adjustment of the thermostat? Do you expect hot water when you turn the left water faucet? What do you expect when you put the key in your car’s ignition?

On and on all day long … we take oxygen, without thinking about it … expectations are continuous. 

What about those moments of unmet expectations?

The hot water tank mysteriously stops producing during the night…COLD shower!  What’s your response?  Running a few minutes behind schedule for a big appointment, every traffic light IS a red stop light? How do you respond?  

How about frustrated?   

Yes, feelings of disappointment or exasperation come when our plans are hindered or our desires go unmet … frustration is often the default setting.   

Frustrate comes from the Latin root, meaning to disappoint, Webster defines frustrate:

: to balk or defeat in an endeavor; b. to induce feelings of discouragement in; to make ineffectual; bring to nothing: impede, obstruct

Frustration is a fear-based emotion triggered when we feel threatened.  In the case of expectations frustration can be a response to real or perceived opposition to our goals, plans, or desires. What comes with fear? That’s right, an inclination to “fight or flee”. 

How are relationships affected? 

We just rehearsed some every day, unconscious expectations … hot water, lights on, car starting, a close parking space, and green lights all the way to the office.  Such expectations can go unmet and produce frustration. Mature self-awareness and self-control keeps the frustration in check. 

The greater challenge involves our expectations with self and others. What happens to a relationship when we believe someone is hindering our success or blocking fulfillment of a desire?  We can experience the same fear-based emotion of frustration. 

What happens when what we want from another person is not delivered?  What happens when we think another person is standing in opposition to our success?   

In such a moment the fear creates disharmony and it is a small step to conflict.  An unfulfilled expectation triggers the fear-based emotion of frustration opening the door to interpersonal conflict.

The Missing E’s of Expectation Harmony 

Notice the natural progression that leads to this interpersonal conflict do to expectations.  

• unEXPRESSED – How well did I communicate of the expectation?
• unEXAMINED – What resources are needed, is it doable?
• unFULFILLED – Why isn’t it happening?
• Interpersonal Conflict – Why am I so frustrated with …? 

Mike made the connection.  As we listened to each of the stories and reflected on the truth (facts) he did not clearly set expectations.  If he is frustrated, how might the other people be feeling? 

To reduce relationship conflict and achieve desired outcomes, expectations must be well expressed and examined in order to be executed.

Where are you frustrated and with who, self or others?  What expectation is NOT being met? 

What is your experience around expectations?  Please share your comments below.