The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting place.   

– Dorothy Nevill

Photo by Clarity on flickr

When was the last time you were in a meeting or a hallway conversation where you were 1) caught you off guard 2) talking about something that really matters, and 3) you were emotionally stirred up?

Okay, maybe it wasn’t at the office. Think of the story when this happened; did you lean into it, emotionally engaged but not thinking clearly? Or did you back away, let it go, but left it unresolved?

Here’s a video where I provide four steps on how to re-visit the conversation; return to have a “hard chat”. I hope you’ll take a moment to watch it…

How to have a “Hard Chat” from Steve Laswell on Vimeo.

Four steps to an effective hard chat:

1. Headline: what do you want to talk with them about?
2. State the Facts: what happened? Not what you thought about it, your opinion on the meeting…just the facts: what happened?
3. Ask the Question: ask an open-ended question (cannot be answered yes or no) that engages the other person in dialogue
4. Silence.  Wait for their response; repeat the question if necessary, but wait for their answer.

This is not hard to do, it’s just not easy.  Rehearsing is important, especially when the emotions want to take charge.  You may find it helpful to write your thoughts out. Edit. Listen for and eliminate judgmental words or opinions … factually speaking, what happened?

What do you think; please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

You must stick to your conviction, but be ready to abandon your assumptions.  – Denis Waitley

Photo from Dell's Official Flickr Page

As you read this post, “I’m enjoying some well deserved rest and relaxation this week.”

There, I said it, I declared what I believe…and without a “qualifier” on the end.

I could have written – as is often spoken:

“I’m enjoying some well deserved rest and relaxation this week, you know what I mean?”

“I’m enjoying some well deserved rest and relaxation this week, at least I think I deserve it, what do you think?”

A bit of an exaggerated example…but do I deserve time off?

Yes, I do.

Period.

No justification, no rationalization, no hope you think so – tagged on.

Here is a great video illustrating, with humor, my message; a video poem by Taylor Mali. (2 minutes 45 seconds)

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

Last week, I wrote about using raising the human voice.

Today, the question is: How effectively do you use your voice to communicate what you believe?

Silenced or silent voices are leadership limiters.

So is the current trend to speak with tentative inflection or unnecessary tag lines.

When you speak, what do others hear?

What do you think; please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people.

- Woodrow T. Wilson

Photo by US Mission Geneva

We were at Border’s Cafe for Rachel’s coaching appointment. We had identified part of what was holding her back as a leader – a lack of confidence; she was not using her voice effectively.

If leadership is about having influence it’s pretty hard to achieve if your voice is silent. While she was writing in her coaching journal, I excused myself.  Making my way to the check-out area there was a display rack of various gift cards.

I selected this gift card and gave it to Rachel. I suggested the gift card message could serve as a reminder back at the corporate offices. She agreed and placed on her desk where she would see it.

Beyond the sound made when we use our vocal organs, voice represents our ability to express our thoughts, to contribute to the conversation.

Recently I have been amazed at how often this matter of being heard has come up. The stories reveal the affect of not being heard by the boss or sometimes, a complete lack of response to ideas.

What’s the affect of a silent voice?

When there is a failure to listen, to hear someone’s voice there is a price to pay. The ramification when leaders fail to lift every voice is significant; for example:

• The loss of employee engagement
• Doubt regarding one’s value to the organization
• The lack of respect diminishes trust
• Innovation is limited
• Opportunity for improvement, lost

How often does limiting another’s voice become a strategy to suppress their ideas?

How often is limiting another’s voice driven by a need to control.

To silence the voice of others is a leadership limiting behavior.

Whose voice and whose responsibility is it?

There are two sides to this story; it’s not always the boss not listening. Bret Simmons, faculty member of the College of Business, University of Nevada – Reno recently wrote about how beliefs can lead to a self-limiting use of the voice.

Referencing The Academy of Management Journal study by James Detert and Amy Edmondson; he summarizes five beliefs that can misguide employee thoughts towards those in authority causing them to exhibit “self-protective silence”.

1. Negative career consequences of voice: e.g. if you want advancement opportunities in today’s world, you have to be careful about pointing out needs for improvement to those in charge

2. Don’t embarrass the boss in public: e.g. you should always pass your ideas for improvement by the boss in private first, before you speak up publicly at work.

3. Don’t bypass the boss upward: e.g. loyalty to your boss means you don’t speak up about problems in front of his or her boss.

4. Need solid data or solutions (to speak up): e.g. unless you have clear solutions, you shouldn’t speak up about problems.

5. Presumed target identification: e.g. it is not good to question the way things are done because those who have developed the routines are likely to take it personally.

From my executive coaching experience, a silent voice is a shared leadership challenge. Yes, some leaders driven by insecurity, the pace of life, a need to control, or due to poor communication skills silence the voices. However, some employees – misguided by false beliefs – remain in silence.

Bottom line: silence limits leadership effectiveness. Where are you in the story?

THE PEOPLE PROJECT NOW AVAILABLE

If you think this might be a handy guide for you or someone in your circle of influence I would really appreciate it if you would help me offer the coaching support this book provides.

Order your copy from Amazon today.

 Whether something brings them joy or pain, when people share and engage in communities, they form bonds and relationships with others who acknowledge their situation.  – Liana Evans, from post on Search Engine Watch  

Last week I shared the story behind co-hosting the #leadfromwithin Tweet Chat with Lolly Daskal and the role of social media.

The theme of our #leadfromwithin Tweet Chat is Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead.  If you have not participated in this social media platform I encourage you to explore.

Recent co-hosts of #leadfromwithin include Jesse Lyn Stoner, co-author with Ken Blanchard the book Full Steam Ahead her topic was Connecting through Community.

The following week after me Bret L. Simmons - faculty of the College of Business at the University of Nevada, Reno – co-hosted the Tweet Chat on Dare to Trust.

How does the #leadfromwithin chat room work? Ten questions are tweeted during the hour; the community tweets and interacts. Lolly provides a full transcript (go here for Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead.) for review. 

Here are some of the Tweets others shared on my topic …

 Q1: What is the power of “story”?

@scedmonds: Story is the weaving of our past with our potential future.

@emeliasam: Stories are formats that are universally understood…that is power.

@KamKansas: You can’t hate someone once you know their story.

@drbret: Stories are intimate, personal. Good stories connect on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level.

@Steve_Sass: Story provides examples of past experience to inspire future success.

@EdwardColozzi: Story is the way we humans strive to express, teach, learn, honor, and remember each other.

@juanortiztweets: Stories allow us to examine what we do with what has been done, and learn from the good and bad on both sides.

@CareerSpan: The narrator is the main character experiencing every emotion and thought.

@KateNasser: The power of story – it ignites more thoughts than the information delivered.

@gracinginginity: If you listen you may discover someone else’s nugget of gold.

@JesseLynStoner: Stories are how the ancient bards transmitted our culture.

@grit08: It lives and breathes your truth.

@LollyDaskal: Wherever I go, I find that my story has been there before me.

@StrategicMonk: Story is narrative; it is how we understand how our experiences fit together and shape who we have become up to now.

@OlliesLounge: Stories engage you, show you a new world.

@ThinDifference: Story is what people will say about you after the dust settles.

@John_Paul: Story has the power to capture our imagination and take us on adventures into new domains.

@LynnFishman: Stories speak to the dreamer in all of us.

@scedmonds: Stories connect the HEART with the HEAD and can inspire marvelous success.

@Josepf: Stories can also be FALSE, and when we tell them others can listen and help guide/point-out to then allow for renewal.

@Natasha_D_G: Story is powerful as it connects the dots transforming specks into a valuable picture.

@KateNasser: Stories used in teaching allow students to discover the truth vs. hear the truth.

@TerriKlass: Stories help us to define ourselves and understand where we need to go.

@emmakuhlpitts: People love hearing stories because it makes it personal.

@Versalytics: Stories provide a means to connect and paint pictures.

@JFeskorn: Our Story: where we’ve been, who we are becoming, and who we want to be.

@KamKansas: We are hard-wired for stories. We don’t put our kids to bed with PowerPoints of the Three Little Pigs.

@Cybuhr: A book must be open for the story to be read. We must be open to share our story.

@LollyDaskal: Tell your story, change the world.

@growinggold: Just off the phone w/my mother…today’s been an emotional day…hoping #leadfromwithin lifts my spirits; reminds me why I am here!

@soniafarace: Stories give us inspiration to move forward and believe that he impossible IS POSSIBLE

@scedmonds: The most inspired speakers connect us with ideas through stories. They make sense and provide meaning. 

To read the tweets for the other nine questions go here for the transcript.

Q2: What happens when we pay attention to our story?

Q3: What are the benefits of embracing our story?

Q4: Why do we resist our story?

Q5: How does listening to our story accelerate personal growth?

Q6: How does story guide our future?

Q7: How do we use story telling in leadership?

Q8: How do we engage story to develop leaders?

Q9: What happens when you know someone’s story?

Q10: What have you learned from your own story?

How would you answer these questions? Which answers resonate with you? 

When will you slip in the Tweet Chat room? 

I hope you enjoy this story behind a Tweet Chat – Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead. For more background you can read my post here.

Part of this story, for me, is the potential of social media.

• A connection is made through LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, etc.
• Then deepened…cultivated using the phone or in person

Lolly, please accept my gratitude for our new connection. Yes, for the privilege of being a part of your #leadfromwithin community of reflective, caring people.  

Come by any Tuesday, 8:00 pm Eastern; www.tweetchat.com enter #leadfromwithin or visit Lolly Daskal.   

Guess what? You may find a party…a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships. 

So go ahead and join the party (social media). But think of it as just that – a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships, many which lead to business opportunities.  – David Meerman Scott

What if?

Please share your comments below.

So go ahead and join the party (social media). But think of it as just that – a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships, many which lead to business opportunities.  – David Meerman Scott 

Social Media creates opportunities to connect with others like never before. David Meerman Scott likes to think of the Web as a city. For him social media – LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, etc. are the “cocktail parties”.

That’s how Lolly Daskal and I connected March 22; she sent this message through LinkedIn:

Steve,

I was wondering if you would be interested in being a guest on my #leadfromwithin leadership chat.
Let me know.

Thanks
Lolly

The next day we connected by phone and enjoyed a twenty, “New York Minute” call. (Yes, we covered a lot of ground quickly). Our phone call allowed us to connect at a deeper level as we shared our passion for people development and supporting one another to achieve our best.

And with that, Lolly invited me to co-host her significant #leadfromwithin Tweet Chat. I still remember hanging up and wondering “What did I just agree to?”  You see, at that time I was a newbie on Twitter and slow to embrace it.

As Lolly laid out her goal for the one hour Tweet Chat, it captured my heart as an executive coach. Each week she her co-host is to Teach, Inspire, and Empower. When you visit her leadership chat room you’ll see how #leadfromwithin has a heart-centered, inside/out theme associated with personal growth and leadership – the people.

The moment arrived Tuesday, May 17.  My theme – Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead. 

Here are the 10 questions tweeted during the hour. Yes, there were a lot of great thoughts, but for now, here are mine.

 Q1: What is the power of “story”?

A1: Story allows objectivity and context so we can see what we missed in real time

A1: Story gives us freedom to edit, but not re-write

A1: Story invites us to engage the process of change & personal development          

Q2: What happens when we pay attention to our story? 

A2: We become more receptive to feedback, experience, success & failure found in the Story

A2: We can escape deception, whether self-imposed or coming from others 

Q3: What are the benefits of embracing our story?

 A3: Embracing our story can free us from hiding; now, the past is just part of the story, not who I am

A3: Embracing our story can free us from what holds us back as we seek transformation         

Q4: Why do we resist our story? 

A4: It can be passive resistance since it takes time to reflect; we must create space for consistent reflection

A4: Fear…what might I hear or see or have to “deal with” IF I give careful thought to my story?

A4: To avoid personal responsibility; we’re stuck blaming, complaining, living w/victim mentality or a critical spirit 

Q5: How does listening to our story accelerate personal growth?             

Q5: We must slow down to speed up the process of development

Q5: Growth comes when we connect our ability and willingness to learn and change to our story

Q5: By paying attention…noticing is usually the first step to learning 

Q6: How does story guide our future? 

 A6: When we’re listening, Story will show us how a different response will move us in the right direction

A6: With freedom comes the ability to act without fear; to embrace my story means I CAN write a new chapter, my future 

Q7: How do we use story telling in leadership?

A7: Leaders persuade; facts tell, stories sell

A7: Leaders understand the place of story in leading, guiding, and influencing people

A7: Leaders pay attention to the organization’s story and keep telling it           

Q8: How do we engage story to develop leaders?

 A8: Development reaches outside oneself to help another change, become stronger, or more successful

A8: By example: Listen. Learn. Lead. It really is your story, my story, OUR story

Q9: What happens when you know someone’s story?          

A9: We will begin to SEE the people, not just the problem

A9: We extend grace: everyone has a story

A9: We can begin to appreciate who they are and maybe why they show up ‘that way’

Q10: What have you learned from your own story?

A10: I am responsible, grace is available, and God is faithful; the business of life is people…we need each other.

If you enjoyed this story behind Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead. you can read my post here.

For me, this story is the story behind social media.

A connection is made.  

The connection is deepened and cultivated by time over the phone and in person. When we listen to and learn from the Story (yes, listen to and learn from others) we will lead better lives. 

Lolly, accept my gratitude for our new connection. Yes, for the privilege of being a part of your #leadfromwithin community of reflective, caring people. 

Now, when will you slip in the back of the room? 

When? Any Tuesday, 8:00 pm Eastern; www.tweetchat.com enter #leadfromwithin or visit Lolly Daskal. 

Guess what? You may find a party “…a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships.”

What if?

Please share your comments below.