Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.   ― Eckhart Tolle

Time and space – time to be alone, space to move about – these may well become the great scarcities of tomorrow.  – Edwin Way Teale

Eight business leaders are in the room as I coach and explore with them The Best Predictor of Future Success… yes,

The ability and willingness

to learn and change,

achieved through

consistent reflection

on truth found in the Story.

As I ask “What stands out to you?” a successful businessman discusses the phrase: “consistent reflection” and the challenge of the discipline.

Space is the breath of life

Consistent reflection requires space.

Consistent reflection is a discipline - a systematic method used to advance something - in this case, personal growth.

These days I find myself inviting people to breathe. It is amazing how few of us practice deep breathing. The intensity of life is confirmed by how we “take breaths”. I know – who has time for deep breathing?

In support of future success it is essential to create space for consistent reflection. I know - who has time to be still and think?

Just as there are significant benefits from diaphragmatic breathing such as relaxation and stress relief, there is tremendous benefit from consistent reflection – freedom to grow as a human being.

How to Create Space

Look at the word “space” to discover the first secret:

To create space you must take control of the pace of life.

Space is more than the region beyond the Earth’s atmosphere. From a growth perspective , space is having enough room to accommodate something. It can be a period of time or an area set apart for a specific use; time and place.

What if you could have less unnecessary stress, more peace, and greater freedom? Sound good? You can and here’s how: slow down.  Create space for consistent reflection.

This is where we listen for truth in the story delivered as feedback, experience, success, or failure.

“Truth” involves the facts of the story, not assumptions; truth is reality, not your opinion or just “your reality” … to be truth it must include the other person’s perspective, too.

To create space you must take control of the PACE of life.

Breathe.

Let’s try that again, slowly now … you’ve got time.

Created Space is the disciplined use of time, place, and resources to reflect on the truth in the story and to bring truth to your story.

No acceleration required.

Life requires no acceleration; our world is taking care of that.

In 1970 Alvin Toffler wrote his bestselling book Future Shock; back when the pace of life was different, if not slower. While he wrote of information overload it was first mentioned in 1964 by Bertram Gross in The Managing of Organizations.

According to Wikipedia, Toffler uses “information overload”

…to refer to the difficulty a person can have understanding an issue and making decisions that can be caused by the presence of too much information.

Sensory overload was thought to cause disorientation and lack of responsiveness. Toffler posited information overload as having the same sorts of effects, but on the higher cognitive functions… (Emphasis added)

How does this affect our performance and relationships?

What happens to our growth journey when the pace of life is combined with sensory/information overload? We exhibit self-limiting behavior that produces poor performance and limits our influence. We are unable to make “the reasonably correct assessments on which rational behavior is dependent.” (Wikipedia)

The alternative to “rational” behavior is “irrational”. How we show up lacks reason or logical thought. What I’m doing to my relationship or career or health doesn’t make sense. We must create space to consistently reflect on behavior patterns; unproductive behavior means we are “stuck”.

Life does not require acceleration.

The second secret of Created Space; it…

Accelerates behavior change which leads to high performance

When space and time are invested in consistent reflection, listening for truth in your Story, the reward is freedom. Only truth liberates us from being stuck with self-limiting behavior.

Creating space allows us to see what living frantic lives hides.

When would be convenient?

When it comes getting things done we set appointments, am I right? Whether a business lunch, dentist appointment, a client meeting, the big game, vacation, even the oil change; why not time to reflect?

When it matters, put it on the calendar.

Time and space – time to be alone, space to move about – how scarce are they in your world? How will take control of the pace of life to create space?

What behavior change will address to improve your performance?

How well are you creating space so you can write your story?

Please forward or Tweet if you like this article … love to hear your comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

You cannot always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts.  – Charles Popplestown

The opportunity found me and caught me a bit by surprise.

Imagine meal time with nine children. See the brothers, brothers and sisters, and lots of cousins.

That scene was repeated several times during Thanksgiving weekend. Rita and I are blessed with; Maggie our 10 year old, first-born granddaughter; seven grandsons: Nolan – 8, Kalen – 6, Levi – 5, Judah – 5, Max – 4, Salem – 2, and Simon – 2. And, don’t forget Olivia, she is 3 months old … 9 “little people” that amaze me.

Can you imagine the excitement of “living” together for several days at Grandma’s house? How about the energy of boyhood and how eager you might be to finish eating so you can go play?

Imagine being an empty nester.

You get the picture.

Meals are especially different when there are seventeen people to feed instead of two.  It’s much like life – there is a lot of diversity in how we do things.  Not right or wrong, different. Like your place of work or wherever you find people, right?

The Wonder of Relationships

In last week’s article I wrote about the wonder of relationships, the reality of conflict, and the grease of gratitude. If you missed it, it’s a quick read.

How much do I love my grandchildren? More and more.

How much energy do they bring to the table? More and more.

So, when all our Stories converge in time and one place an opportunity for conflict is created. Conflict, is simply a disagreement between people and our individual ideas of what is acceptable or expectations.

Remember the Story: behavior at the table.

What conflict?

If it is possible for a Grandpa and his grandchildren to experience “conflict” how much more with people in roles such as: business partners, department heads, sales/production teams, employer/employees, parents/teen, husband/wife, perhaps mankind and our Creator?

No doubt about it, moments in the Story provide many opportunities to experience this unconscious opposition between immediate but incompatible desires, needs, drives, or impulses … producing a mental struggle.

In some circles it would be called “war”. Have you seen conflict escalate to “war” between people? How about Black Friday shoppers?

Conflict begs for action.

There are two sides, two opinions, two desires, two needs, arriving at the same place at the same time in opposition to one another resulting in tension, disagreement, disengagement between people.

The big question: How do you want to respond?

There are only two responses to relationship conflict:

1.   It seems to be the default setting with most of us: try to exert control. Control involves misguided efforts to limit or restrict somebody or to exercise authority over someone.

In the realm of relationships, control is highly ineffective and costly. How do I know? Think about it: when was the last time you wanted someone to put controls on your freedom?

2.  This second option is what leaders do, but it takes intentionality: to have influence.  At the most basic level leadership is the ability to guide, direct, or influence people. Yes, leadership is influence … with people.

In the realm of relationships – solutions, problem solving, innovation, engagement, productivity, high performance, and enjoyment of life come when we release control in favor of influence.

Conflict presents this question: What do I want in this relationship? Do I want to try and control the other person or to have influence with them?

The solution to conflict requires at least one person’s commitment to achieving influence; that may be all it takes … just your release of control in pursuit of leading.

So at one of those meals, it dawned on me: I could not control my grandchildren. My efforts would be misguided and only add to the “pressure” of the moment if I tried to limit or restrict them or to play the “this is my house” authority card.

What I did have grace enough to see was the opportunity to lead. So I knelt down between Levi and Maggie to get eye level as they were sitting at the table. And I began to ask some questions about “table manners” … I asked for their help … “Who wants to be a leader?” and what that might look like.

You know what, they knew the answers.

What do you hear? What’s your experience?

Who could you forward this to? Or Tweet? Or comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

*Quote Source: ThinkExist

The horizon leans forward, offering you space to place new steps of change.   – Maya Angelou*

The request has arrived.

As a leader you are invited to engage in the process of change.

Personal development is a unique gift offered all human beings. We have the potential to become stronger, more successful, more advanced…more like our Creator.

Why does it matter? Only growing people grow their influence for high impact in life; legacy. Leadership is that ability to lead, guide, direct, or influence people.

To change limiting behavior is to expand your influence with people and that’s what life is about: the business of life is people and the business of business is people.

This past week my schedule took me to Los Angeles. On the early morning flight to Dallas I enjoyed a high altitude sunrise. Notice the horizon.

Later that sameday I sat writing in my journal with a front row seat on beautiful Venice Beach, CA for this sunset. Notice the horizon.

That question: what’s beyond the horizon?

The horizon is that distant line where land or sea appears to meet the sky; it looks closed. When reality it is where more opportunity waits: sunrise/sunset.

The word horizon has an interesting history.

The word horizon derives from the Greek “ὁρίζων κύκλος” (horizōn kyklos), “separating circle”,^[2] from the verb “ὁρίζω” (horizō), “to divide, to separate”,^[3] and that from “ὅρος” (oros), “boundary, landmark”.^[4]   Wikipedia

Along the journey we encounter moments where the horizon can feel like a boundary. It is that moment in the Story when we decide to move forward or not. For many, it is when that voice suggests “But you don’t know what’s beyond the horizon?”

In his book, The Laugh of the Water Nymph and Other River Stories, author Doug Ammons writes about the adventure sport of kayaking. He introduces a philosophical meaning to the river, as he writes …

I believe that moving water is the perfect expression of emotion, and somewhere in its endless moods, lie our own.  -Page 4

Describing the purpose of adventure experiences …

And if one is going to travel, the particular place you go matters less than what it leads you to explore within yourself.

One story is about kayaking the Lochsa (“lock-saw”) River located in the mountains of North Central Idaho.  The flow of the river is unregulated and in late spring, it is rated as one of the world’s best for continuous whitewater.

Video: if you have 2 minutes this video shows the action.

In Chapter One - The Horizon Line, Doug writes …

Kayaking has shown me a lot of fun, a lot of seriousness, and a simple fact: life is full of horizon lines. They come in all shapes and sizes – accidents and jobs, people, marriage, and children. Time is the current that pushes us toward the edges of what we know, usually faster than we can cope. And flowing water is the current of time made real. I know that fear comes from doubt about where those horizon lines lead. I also know that the truths of life, large and small, are what lie beyond each one. – Page 8

What do you see on the horizon?

What’s going on in your Story and how do you feel looking at the future?

Are you a bit anxious, do you believe there is something great over the horizon?

Are you ready for the “truths of life, large and small” that lie beyond the horizon?

Doug is leaning forward – not just into whitewater horizon line on the river – but as a leader. He is my client; engaging the process of change, growing his influence. Thanks Doug for the privilege.

What are you doing with the space to place new steps of change?

Please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

*Maya Angelo, American Poet, novelist, educator, dramatist, actress, historian, filmmaker, and civil rights activist; b 1928, Source: thinkexist.com

The closest to being in control we will ever have is in that moment that we realize we are not.   – Brian Kessler*

Photo by John Jordan

The human desire to be in control is causing untold frustration in relationships today.

Recently, my coaching conversation with one of my clients focused on the classic concept of “circle of control” vs. “circle of concern” … think, cracked egg poured into a skillet for a visual.

The yellow yolk represents that part of life we “control”. The egg white symbolizes the people or situations of “concern”.

I am not using “control” in the broader meaning represented by synonyms manage or management. That raises another question: Does management really control?

What do you really control?

Think about your world. Where do you exercise power or authority? Where are you in position to limit or restrict someone or something?

Look at your relationships; where are you really in control? Where are you trying to be in control?

Self-control

There are a few people with a high level of self-control. There are some people working on greater self-control.  While the majority need to work on self-control.

In fact, human nature presents quite a challenge to this goal of self-control. Have you noticed the inclination of Self to be selfish and actually prefers NOT to be controlled. (Need evidence? Watch childish behavior … no matter the age.)

Although, self-control is a key assignment, how much time and energy are wasted trying to control others, even “situations”.

May I ask … How much time and energy do you waste focused on situations and people in your “circle of concern” but outside your “circle of control”?

Follow the Frustration

If you are not sure how to answer that last question, answer this: How frustrated are you these days?

Frustration is that feeling of disappointment, exasperation, or weariness caused by goals being thwarted or desires unsatisfied. (Encarta Dictionary)

Frustration is an emotiinal indicator of the desire to control. When do you experience frustration? With who? Why? How are your expectations involved?

Where to Focus

Here is the paradox: as we focus on our own growth and responsibilities our “circle of influence” is expanded.

The big question: What do you want – control or influence?

Leadership happens when we quit trying to control and pursue influence.

What’s the cost?

My client’s experience is instructive about the price of an out-of-control desire to be in control; she writes …

If my focus is on these concerns, outside my actual area of control, what happens?

1. I get anxious about those uncontrollable things

2. Overload from trying to control too much

3. I experience failure because I am not really in control

4. Failure saps my strength and will to continue working

The demand plus lack of control leads to FRUSTRATION because the situation does not allow me to succeed. (emphasis added)

There you have it. The “reward” of focusing on situations outside our primary circle of control is frustration.  The solution is to narrow your focus.

How do you control that unproductive need to control?

What situation are you trying to control? Who? Why do you think you are?

How will you let go?

What will happen if you don’t?

Please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

*Brian Kessler, Source: thinkexist.com

Photo Credits Flickr by John Jordon

The mind commands the body and it obeys. The mind orders itself and meets resistance.   – Saint Augustine*

Flicker photo by tpower1978

Recently the Story has given me several opportunities to resist the Resistance. Resistance is a part of life; consistently it shows up whenever we are in pursuit of something greater.

Part of my professional development involves coaching. As a certified executive coach I witness every day the power of what I do. As a result, I consistently use coaches myself.

Recently, I engaged John Eggen and his team at Mission Publishing. Although I am a published author with two books, I’m ready to write my next book. John and his team have a process to help authors do just that.

If you have not written a book it’s not hard, it’s just not easy.  As the desire to write my next book grew there has been resistance.

Why the resistance?

Resistance always shows up when we step up to do something new, creative, greater … something that promises a better future.

What has the resistance to writing this next book sounded like?

• How much will the coaching cost?
• Do you really have time to write a book, right now?
• This book requires a different approach, are you sure you can do it?
• What if you reveal too much of your Next Level coaching process?
• What are you going to say that hasn’t already been said?
• What if you can’t get it done on schedule?
• What if…?

The bottom line: resistance is committed to opposing our progress and knows where to attack with those doubt and fear based suggestions.

Here are a few more characteristics of how the Resistance works; it…

• works in the space between current success and future success
• is an opposing force committed to hindering progress
• tries to create fear so we’re less inclined to take risks in life
• supports our human inclination to resist behavior changes – even when we know it is in our own best interest to do so

When have you ever felt overloaded?

Yes, it is possible to take on too large a load in life. Taking on too much work, stress or difficulty is different than pressing through the resistance.

When it comes to stepping up to a challenge that sense of overload goes with the territory; it is necessary if we’re to become stronger.

In the physical realm of resistance training, Wikipedia describes the two facets:

Resistance training is a form of strength training in which each effort is performed against a specific opposing force generated by resistance (i.e. resistance to being pushed, squeezed, stretched or bent). Exercises are isotonic if a body part is moving against the force. Exercises are isometric if a body part is holding still against the force.

Resistance exercise is used to develop the strength and size of skeletal muscles. Properly performed, resistance training can provide significant functional benefits and improvement in overall health and well-being.  (Emphasis added)

The goal of resistance training, according to the American Sports Medicine Institute (ASMI), is to “gradually and progressively overload the musculoskeletal system so it gets stronger.”

The role of resistance in development, when properly understood and managed, allows us to grow. No matter how good “here” is – what got you here won’t get you “there” to that preferable future.

Courage Required

The Resistance uses intimidation to push against our achievement of something greater. The ancient strategy involves sowing seeds of doubt, often using voices from the past.

Courage is necessary to push through the opposition.

When it comes to courage, Mark Twain is often quoted:

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

In October, with coaching support, I am leaning into this next project. I’ve heard the Resistance and determined to press through to accomplish my goal.

How do you handle the Resistance? Where are you stuck today because of the Resistance creating doubt or fear?

Please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

Flicker photo by tpower1978

*Saint Augustine was an ancient Roman Christian Theologian and Bishop of Hippo; 354-430. Source: www.thinkexist.com