Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.   ― Eckhart Tolle

Time and space – time to be alone, space to move about – these may well become the great scarcities of tomorrow.  – Edwin Way Teale

Eight business leaders are in the room as I coach and explore with them The Best Predictor of Future Success… yes,

The ability and willingness

to learn and change,

achieved through

consistent reflection

on truth found in the Story.

As I ask “What stands out to you?” a successful businessman discusses the phrase: “consistent reflection” and the challenge of the discipline.

Space is the breath of life

Consistent reflection requires space.

Consistent reflection is a discipline - a systematic method used to advance something - in this case, personal growth.

These days I find myself inviting people to breathe. It is amazing how few of us practice deep breathing. The intensity of life is confirmed by how we “take breaths”. I know – who has time for deep breathing?

In support of future success it is essential to create space for consistent reflection. I know - who has time to be still and think?

Just as there are significant benefits from diaphragmatic breathing such as relaxation and stress relief, there is tremendous benefit from consistent reflection – freedom to grow as a human being.

How to Create Space

Look at the word “space” to discover the first secret:

To create space you must take control of the pace of life.

Space is more than the region beyond the Earth’s atmosphere. From a growth perspective , space is having enough room to accommodate something. It can be a period of time or an area set apart for a specific use; time and place.

What if you could have less unnecessary stress, more peace, and greater freedom? Sound good? You can and here’s how: slow down.  Create space for consistent reflection.

This is where we listen for truth in the story delivered as feedback, experience, success, or failure.

“Truth” involves the facts of the story, not assumptions; truth is reality, not your opinion or just “your reality” … to be truth it must include the other person’s perspective, too.

To create space you must take control of the PACE of life.

Breathe.

Let’s try that again, slowly now … you’ve got time.

Created Space is the disciplined use of time, place, and resources to reflect on the truth in the story and to bring truth to your story.

No acceleration required.

Life requires no acceleration; our world is taking care of that.

In 1970 Alvin Toffler wrote his bestselling book Future Shock; back when the pace of life was different, if not slower. While he wrote of information overload it was first mentioned in 1964 by Bertram Gross in The Managing of Organizations.

According to Wikipedia, Toffler uses “information overload”

…to refer to the difficulty a person can have understanding an issue and making decisions that can be caused by the presence of too much information.

Sensory overload was thought to cause disorientation and lack of responsiveness. Toffler posited information overload as having the same sorts of effects, but on the higher cognitive functions… (Emphasis added)

How does this affect our performance and relationships?

What happens to our growth journey when the pace of life is combined with sensory/information overload? We exhibit self-limiting behavior that produces poor performance and limits our influence. We are unable to make “the reasonably correct assessments on which rational behavior is dependent.” (Wikipedia)

The alternative to “rational” behavior is “irrational”. How we show up lacks reason or logical thought. What I’m doing to my relationship or career or health doesn’t make sense. We must create space to consistently reflect on behavior patterns; unproductive behavior means we are “stuck”.

Life does not require acceleration.

The second secret of Created Space; it…

Accelerates behavior change which leads to high performance

When space and time are invested in consistent reflection, listening for truth in your Story, the reward is freedom. Only truth liberates us from being stuck with self-limiting behavior.

Creating space allows us to see what living frantic lives hides.

When would be convenient?

When it comes getting things done we set appointments, am I right? Whether a business lunch, dentist appointment, a client meeting, the big game, vacation, even the oil change; why not time to reflect?

When it matters, put it on the calendar.

Time and space – time to be alone, space to move about – how scarce are they in your world? How will take control of the pace of life to create space?

What behavior change will address to improve your performance?

How well are you creating space so you can write your story?

Please forward or Tweet if you like this article … love to hear your comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.   – Martin Luther King, Jr.*

Freedom is wonderful.

Fear is horrible; the opponent of freedom.

As an executive coach I see the limiting power of fear … not only in my client’s stories, but mine.

Recently I traveled to Boston for the two-day Harvard Medical School Conference: Coaching in Leadership and Healthcare. I registered early for the conference and made my hotel reservation before securing my airline tickets.

As one who prefers to stay to the end, I do not like to leave early to catch a plane. With the conference ending at 5:00 p.m. there were no Saturday evening flights.

My reservation at the Renaissance Boston Waterfront only included Thursday and Friday night. For some reason, the conference rate was not extended to Saturday. While, at home, planning the trip, it was a small detail.

In August, Rita and I enjoyed a trip to Boston and up to Stonington, Maine. Before that trip I discovered a great app: Hotel Tonight. The smart phone app gives last-minute deals to great hotels with drastically reduced rates; the rooms are made available at noon for that night.

During our summer trip, we stayed at the fabulous 5-star, Boston Harbor Hotel using Hotel Tonight. That was the plan for this trip; book a room Saturday night using Hotel Tonight.

The Unreasonableness of Fear

Although my success with Hotel Tonight was 100%, fear came knocking on my door. Here’s the strategy exposed through my simple story …

1. There is a lot going on in Boston that weekend; I heard rooms are “scarce”
2. Uploaded 5.0 iPhone software just before leaving; new issues, now
3. A funky Wi-Fi connection rendered my iPhone device useless; I could not access the Hotel Tonight app
4. Yes, there was a room available at the conference hotel; rate of $499

Guess what was getting the best of me?  And no, please don’t lecture me about my planning style; this is my story.

Do you know that feeling?

There I am in Back Bay Boston, attending a HMS/Institute of Coaching conference; connecting with psychologists and coaches from Westport, CT, Toronto, Mason, OH, NYC, San Jose, CA.

Friday morning I meet Jim Loehr, author of The Power of Story (he really speaks my language). The whole environment is mind expanding and personally affirming.

It’s Friday night, I’m walking to grab dinner and called Rita to touch base. That’s when it happened …

Do you know that feeling? Fear – that “unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger”. (Encarta Dictionary)

In fact, I experienced this unpleasant feeling of apprehension merely in anticipation of “danger”. And the danger was not harm or personal injury. It was merely a threat: What if I can’t find a room? What if I have to pay over $500 for one night in Boston? What if…?

Beyond Fear … Freedom!

Freedom is wonderful.

Do you know that space? Freedom is “a state in which somebody is able to act and live as he or she chooses, without being subject to any undue restraints or restrictions”.  (Encarta Dictionary)

I love freedom.

I love doing the right thing for the right reasons. I prefer to act and speak and live without the restriction fear imposes; to be present, to contribute, to show up authentically, to be my best me, interacting with others with their best interest in mind, with unconditional love … to live without any undue restrictions.

Fear limits, freedom liberates.

Fear says: fight or run away. Freedom allows me to stay engaged with life, with others and find solutions. (More on finding solutions with people here: Coaching Tip Video)

Fear seeks to hold me captive. Freedom applies truth to set me free so I move forward with others.

Where you like to be?

With the help of one of my coaches – my wife of 35 years Rita – I regained my freedom that night. After dinner, I called one of my sons-in-law; Jeffrey reminded me of an easy fix for my iPhone issue.

The next day at 12:05 p.m., I used my Hotel Tonight app and made a reservation at Seaport Boston Hotel for that night. The rate was half the Renaissance and I applied a $25 credit from Hotel Tonight (received the day before). Get this; I walked ONE block to check-in after the conference.

The anticipation of “danger” (fear, risk, threat, peril) is self-limiting.

The ability to act freely (freedom, liberty, choice, independence) is life-expanding.

What are you facing on the horizon?

What role is fear playing in your world?

How is it affecting you, your health, relationships, career, your story?

When will you demand your freedom from fear? (Remember, we must have truth to experience freedom.)

Here’s to your freedom; it’s amazing.

Please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

*Martin Luther King, Jr. (American Baptist Minister and Civil-Rights Leader; 1929-1968, Source: thinkexist.com

The closest to being in control we will ever have is in that moment that we realize we are not.   – Brian Kessler*

Photo by John Jordan

The human desire to be in control is causing untold frustration in relationships today.

Recently, my coaching conversation with one of my clients focused on the classic concept of “circle of control” vs. “circle of concern” … think, cracked egg poured into a skillet for a visual.

The yellow yolk represents that part of life we “control”. The egg white symbolizes the people or situations of “concern”.

I am not using “control” in the broader meaning represented by synonyms manage or management. That raises another question: Does management really control?

What do you really control?

Think about your world. Where do you exercise power or authority? Where are you in position to limit or restrict someone or something?

Look at your relationships; where are you really in control? Where are you trying to be in control?

Self-control

There are a few people with a high level of self-control. There are some people working on greater self-control.  While the majority need to work on self-control.

In fact, human nature presents quite a challenge to this goal of self-control. Have you noticed the inclination of Self to be selfish and actually prefers NOT to be controlled. (Need evidence? Watch childish behavior … no matter the age.)

Although, self-control is a key assignment, how much time and energy are wasted trying to control others, even “situations”.

May I ask … How much time and energy do you waste focused on situations and people in your “circle of concern” but outside your “circle of control”?

Follow the Frustration

If you are not sure how to answer that last question, answer this: How frustrated are you these days?

Frustration is that feeling of disappointment, exasperation, or weariness caused by goals being thwarted or desires unsatisfied. (Encarta Dictionary)

Frustration is an emotiinal indicator of the desire to control. When do you experience frustration? With who? Why? How are your expectations involved?

Where to Focus

Here is the paradox: as we focus on our own growth and responsibilities our “circle of influence” is expanded.

The big question: What do you want – control or influence?

Leadership happens when we quit trying to control and pursue influence.

What’s the cost?

My client’s experience is instructive about the price of an out-of-control desire to be in control; she writes …

If my focus is on these concerns, outside my actual area of control, what happens?

1. I get anxious about those uncontrollable things

2. Overload from trying to control too much

3. I experience failure because I am not really in control

4. Failure saps my strength and will to continue working

The demand plus lack of control leads to FRUSTRATION because the situation does not allow me to succeed. (emphasis added)

There you have it. The “reward” of focusing on situations outside our primary circle of control is frustration.  The solution is to narrow your focus.

How do you control that unproductive need to control?

What situation are you trying to control? Who? Why do you think you are?

How will you let go?

What will happen if you don’t?

Please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

*Brian Kessler, Source: thinkexist.com

Photo Credits Flickr by John Jordon

The mind commands the body and it obeys. The mind orders itself and meets resistance.   – Saint Augustine*

Flicker photo by tpower1978

Recently the Story has given me several opportunities to resist the Resistance. Resistance is a part of life; consistently it shows up whenever we are in pursuit of something greater.

Part of my professional development involves coaching. As a certified executive coach I witness every day the power of what I do. As a result, I consistently use coaches myself.

Recently, I engaged John Eggen and his team at Mission Publishing. Although I am a published author with two books, I’m ready to write my next book. John and his team have a process to help authors do just that.

If you have not written a book it’s not hard, it’s just not easy.  As the desire to write my next book grew there has been resistance.

Why the resistance?

Resistance always shows up when we step up to do something new, creative, greater … something that promises a better future.

What has the resistance to writing this next book sounded like?

• How much will the coaching cost?
• Do you really have time to write a book, right now?
• This book requires a different approach, are you sure you can do it?
• What if you reveal too much of your Next Level coaching process?
• What are you going to say that hasn’t already been said?
• What if you can’t get it done on schedule?
• What if…?

The bottom line: resistance is committed to opposing our progress and knows where to attack with those doubt and fear based suggestions.

Here are a few more characteristics of how the Resistance works; it…

• works in the space between current success and future success
• is an opposing force committed to hindering progress
• tries to create fear so we’re less inclined to take risks in life
• supports our human inclination to resist behavior changes – even when we know it is in our own best interest to do so

When have you ever felt overloaded?

Yes, it is possible to take on too large a load in life. Taking on too much work, stress or difficulty is different than pressing through the resistance.

When it comes to stepping up to a challenge that sense of overload goes with the territory; it is necessary if we’re to become stronger.

In the physical realm of resistance training, Wikipedia describes the two facets:

Resistance training is a form of strength training in which each effort is performed against a specific opposing force generated by resistance (i.e. resistance to being pushed, squeezed, stretched or bent). Exercises are isotonic if a body part is moving against the force. Exercises are isometric if a body part is holding still against the force.

Resistance exercise is used to develop the strength and size of skeletal muscles. Properly performed, resistance training can provide significant functional benefits and improvement in overall health and well-being.  (Emphasis added)

The goal of resistance training, according to the American Sports Medicine Institute (ASMI), is to “gradually and progressively overload the musculoskeletal system so it gets stronger.”

The role of resistance in development, when properly understood and managed, allows us to grow. No matter how good “here” is – what got you here won’t get you “there” to that preferable future.

Courage Required

The Resistance uses intimidation to push against our achievement of something greater. The ancient strategy involves sowing seeds of doubt, often using voices from the past.

Courage is necessary to push through the opposition.

When it comes to courage, Mark Twain is often quoted:

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

In October, with coaching support, I am leaning into this next project. I’ve heard the Resistance and determined to press through to accomplish my goal.

How do you handle the Resistance? Where are you stuck today because of the Resistance creating doubt or fear?

Please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

Flicker photo by tpower1978

*Saint Augustine was an ancient Roman Christian Theologian and Bishop of Hippo; 354-430. Source: www.thinkexist.com

Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a “map” for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.   - Anne Grant*

Photo by Steve Laswell - Trinity Church Parish House in Boston

My most recent “major project”, to use Anne Grant’s phrase, began on a Friday afternoon August 31, 2007. It was Labor Day weekend so our offices at the radio station were pretty well vacated.

As Station Manager of Spirit 102.3 I had scheduled an appointment with our VP/Market Manager to discuss a few programming matters … or so I thought.

Within the first couple of minutes I knew something was up, I just didn’t know what. Instead of discussing my agenda, the conversation quickly turned to the 2008 Budget. Corporate wanted substantial cuts; my future became the real agenda; my position was being eliminated.

To say I was in shock is no exaggeration and aptly illustrated by my question: “Are you telling me I’m not coming back on Monday?”

Indeed, I would not return on Monday.

I would go down the hall and pack my office and call Rita for a ride home; “my” company car was a company car.

My exit would be without the opportunity to say farewell to my team and people I truly cared about. No punch, no cookies, no farewell party for the “people person”.

Shock and awe does not overstate my emotional response.

Yes, I appreciated the assurance given that it was not a performance issue.

Yes, I appreciated the helpful severance package.

Still, I was treated like a piece of machinery, not a piece of humanity.

Last Wednesday was the Fourth Anniversary of that Friday-afternoon, end of this chapter, broadcast radio Story; that fast-track ended.

While reflecting on this part of my Story, I identified 4 steps in my response to that sudden jolt. Perhaps you can identify with my “shock-n-awe” chapter along your journey … here is what I did:

1. Breathe

When something surprising and upsetting comes, we experience shock; distress, numbness, or fear are indeed normal as the new reality sets in: I’m not coming back on Monday!

Oxygen is a grace gift from our Creator, it not only keeps us alive physically, it helps create space so we can think and helps quiet our heart and mind … a good thing for such times.

Breathe, don’t panic, “It’s just business.”

2. Forgive

Forgiveness is about freedom, our freedom.

Intellectually, I knew it was “just business” but emotionally it felt personal. So this is where a 10 year relationship brings us? This is how we will write the ending chapter of our Story?

Forgiveness is required for the other truth: it is more than “just business”.

How about some respect for the human being? No opportunity given to connect with my colleagues, direct reports, and friends; yes, friends. And, what about my sacrifices for the company?

While we could agree to disagree on the business decision, how I was “handled” was personally painful. Only forgiveness would keep from that self-limiting box and by God’s grace I escaped.

3. Create Space

Given the shock of this event, I was not prepared to make any quick decisions. As reality settled in, September was declared a sabbatical.

Sabbaticals are those designated times away from work usually for research, study, or travel and often with pay; that’s what I needed and was fortunate enough to have.

Within a matter of days, a lot of life was on the my calendar:

• my 53^rd birthday on September 4
• our sixth grandchild, Max, was born on September 5^th and required a few days in the NICU
• my wife Rita’s birthday, September 7
• our 31^st Wedding Anniversary, September 12

Thinking of September as a sabbatical released me to set October 1 as the date I would start working on “What now?” … which is what I did.

Creating space is critical to our ability to experience personal growth and continued success along the journey. It is vital to our ability to find our way and gain perspective after a sudden jolt.

4. Connect with others

I’ll never forget Lucy’s call. She was a consultant for our company and called as soon as she learned of the decision. She simply said “I believe in you.”  Thank you, Lucy and others who called over the days ahead.

(Note to self: when inclined to ignore news of someone’s jolt, move toward the person, it will never be forgotten and your call will make a difference.)

It’s not what we say; it’s that we care enough to call that matters.

These four steps – combined with my faith in God and my commitment to journal – helped me move forward into a life-changing transition bringing me to this spacious place I now enjoy as an executive coach.

What is your “sudden jolt” story?

How do you relate to these 4 steps?

What did you do to get through your “shock and awe” moment?

Please comment below.

*Anne Grant was a Scottish Poet; 1755-1838

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!