If you have read my book The People Project, read my blog for any length of time, or sat in the audience where I have spoken may be know my communication mantra: Ask More, Tell Less, Teach When You Can.

Photo Credit: Chris Gilmore via Compfight

Communication, the Human Connection

Paul Meyer correctly identifies communication as “the human connection”. If you believe, as I do that the business of business is people, making the human connection is a key to personal and business success.

With the help of the Quill Pig (the lovable porcupine) we can recognize the negative emotional affect of telling in communication.  Telling usually shuts down dialog, discovery, and personal contribution. Effective leaders avoid “telling” as a communication style because telling pushes people away.

The secret to leading people is to ask more and tell less. It is to use open-ended questions because asking …

• Encourages the exchange of ideas, discussion, dialogue
• Sends a message of value, respect, and honor
• Signals trust and appreciation
• Flows from a place of freedom
• Indicates a released need to control

What’s your communication goal?

Whereas telling pushes people away asking invites people to stay. To encourage others to stay engaged in a conversation, solution-seeking, problem solving, or decision making is the desired outcome.

Of course there will be a time to provide direction or advocate how something must be done. Go for it…be a great teacher, but tap into the resource of the other person(s), first.

Why don’t we ask more?

When communication is about exchanging information in order to achieve something, why this tendency to tell and push others away?

If telling is less productive, why do we tell so much?

Here are five reasons we tend to tell. What do you think?

• Excessive Control – this need to limit or restrict what happens: who does what on a project. Whether driven by perfectionism or an unwillingness to delegate, trying to control by telling limits the opportunity for others to contribute, to grow, to develop their skills
• Fear – anxiety regarding how it might turn out if we open the conversation to others can drive a telling style in order to“minimize the risk”
• Defensiveness – telling as a means of preventing communication. As Abraham Maslow points out, “Behavior in the human being is sometimes a defense, a way of concealing motives and thoughts, as language (telling?) can be a way of hiding your thoughts and preventing communication.”  (Emphasis added)
• Pace – the deceptive thought is it takes “too much time” to engage people in dialogue; just tell them what to do
• Habit – whether you think “telling” is a bad communication habit or not, if it is a regularly repeated behavior pattern it is a habit

Do you want the power?

Chief Justice of the United States, John Marshall writes, “To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.”

To summarize …

• People appreciate the respect and honor associated with being asked for their thoughts and input
• People - especially talented people - resist being told what to do
• To ask open-ended quesitons invites people to stay and engage; telling pushes them away

One secret to leading people is to develop the habit of using this leadership skill: asking well-crafted, open-ended questions. This alone will enlarge your influnece and take your communication to the next level.

Last week I mentioned the remodeling project we have in progress.

If you have lived through and lived in a remodeling project you know there’s just no easy way to get from here to there. This project – like so much of life – is about making change.

Photo Credit: Martin Gommel via Compfight

This task has reminded me of life in relationship to the “stress” of having so many people involved in the success of the project. Better said, having to “rely upon” others to do what they said they would do.

The Benefits of Stress

Our body is designed to handle stress efficiently and effectively. Who doesn’t want support for making decisions, more energy, and physical strength? As The American Institute of Stress points out the body is quick to support our safety when we are threatened.

• Heart rate and blood pressure soar to increase blood flow to the brain
• Blood sugar rises to furnish the fuel for power output
• Blood flow is shunted from the gut to the large muscles  for additional strength, speed
• Clotting occurs more quickly in case of injury to limit blood loss

This was great news for our ancestors.

The Dangerous Side

Henry Kissinger is quoted to have said, “There cannot be a stressful crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” You see where this is going, right?

Why is UN-necessary stress dangerous and identified as “America’s No. 1 Health Problem”?

Contemporary stress tends to be more pervasive, persistent and insidious because it stems primarily from psychological than physical threats.

…the nature of stress for modern man is not an occasional confrontation with a saber-toothed tiger or a hostile warrior but rather a host of emotional threats like getting stuck in traffic and fights with customers, co-workers, or family members that often occur several times a day. Unfortunately, our bodies still react with these same, archaic fight or flight responses that are now not only not useful but potentially damaging and deadly. Repeatedly invoked, it is not hard to see how they can contribute to hypertension, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes, ulcers, neck or low back pain and other “Diseases of Civilization”.

More bad news for our times and health…

Many of these effects are due to increased sympathetic nervous system activity and an outpouring of adrenaline, cortisol and other stress-related hormones. Certain types of chronic and more insidious stress due to loneliness, poverty, bereavement, depression and frustration due to discrimination are associated with impaired immune system resistance to viral linked disorders ranging from the common cold and herpes to AIDS and cancer. Stress can have effects on other hormones, brain neurotransmitters, additional small chemical messengers elsewhere, prostaglandins, as well as crucial enzyme systems, and metabolic activities that are still unknown. Research in these areas may help to explain how stress can contribute to depression, anxiety and its diverse effects on the gastrointestinal tract, skin and other organs.

The Simple Solution

Okay, we both know there is no simple solution. However, the helpful thing I found myself doing during this remodel project when it was NOT going the way I expected was this …

Let it go.

Will my life be harmed if the plumber is late and creates a domino effect with the other contractors?  No, it is not life threatening.

Let it go.

Now, the question can be asked: How do we move forward?

Once we let it go the choice not to fight, not to run can be made. When we make the choice to stay and engage solutions and helpful decision making can be pursued.

Have I lessened my stress? Yes. Now, I may show up better (improved performance) and live longer as I make this simple solution a habit.

Let’s see, I could create a flow chart to add to my coaching tools. Or, I could write another page outlining stress relievers. For sure, I could be anxious about what I think you think of my “simple solution”…but, that would create unnecessary stress so I choose to let it go.

When will you practice with me?

Let it go.

Please forward to a friend or colleague.

Pick up your copy of my new book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

We are hosting a mini-family reunion in a couple of weeks. We are also in the middle of an overdue remodeling our upstairs bathroom. There’s just no easy way to get from here to there when it comes to such a project.

Photo Credit: Karen Horton via Compfight

This project – like so much of life – is about making change.

Now, my not-so-favorite part of this story involves an electrical task.

It’s simple, right … like change? Remove the old bathroom light/ventilator/heater unit; replace it with a light/ventilator unit and add a new light over the shower. The sheet rock is ripped out; how hard can this be?

Change, it’s not Hard, it’s just not Easy

After several hours I realized day dreaming about this simple project was not going to change reality. I had wasted several hours working on it, Larry and I wasted some more time and we did not experience the thrill of victory; only the agony of defeat.

Truth, shining ever so brightly, revealed the obvious: it’s time to call an expert. (Note: if you live in Tulsa and ever need an electrician, David with Covenant Electric is high on my referral list.)

The next morning, David walks-in, looks at the situation – the mess – and reports he will return in a couple of hours to take care of it. Sure enough, right after lunch, he walks in and makes the changes … he makes it look easy. I was quite happy to write him a check, but disappointed thinking about the wasted time. What was I thinking when I took it on myself?

The Five D’s of Making Change Happen

From this simple story, I thought of what helps us make change. The presupposition is that the need for change is recognized.

1. Dream – what does “it” look like once the change is completed? What does the new reality look like? What are the benefits sought? How do I want my life to be different?
2. Desire – to pursue substantial change, you really have to want it. A wish won’t move you past day-dreaming; much less help you get it done!
3. Deadline – to make change happen, set a date to get started. If it is a project, decide when it will be completed; if a behavior change, when will you practice the new approach?
4. Determination – you want change; now, as you begin, understand resistance will meet you and making the change will take tenacity.
5. Delegate – experts are people with strengths you don’t have and who love what you don’t enjoy; let them in, let it go … find the support you need to get there.

Here’s to Your Future Success

As you’ve often heard me say, the best predictor of future success is the willingness and ability to learn and change, achieved through consistent reflection on truth found in the story.

The truth is, I will call an electrician first next time I need a change in wiring around our house. That ensures the success of our next remodeling project.

What change do you need to make?

If you like this article, who could you forward it to?

Pick up your copy of my new book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

Sam, (not his real name) is burning the candle at both ends as an executive. The company is experiencing a lot of change. Keeping all the plates spinning is difficult.  The high energy and extended work time is beginning to affect his relationships and his work.

Recently, he shared this important observation:

I see that when I am very tired and in need I do the worst thing I could, I assume that (others know) what I need and (when) I do not get a response, I experience that as rejection of me…not as just an unmet need.

Photo Credit: Giovanni Orlando via Compfight

What happens when you are weary?

When you run out of strength, patience, or endurance that is weariness. When your energy runs low and you experience a loss of vitality, vigor, or liveliness that is weariness. When you’re physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual resources are used up that is weariness … and there is a price to be paid.

For Sam, he observed his communication becomes less effective, assumptions rise, and he begins to misinterpret reality: “they are rejecting me”.

When weary we wrestle more and succeed less in life — whether in a given moment, for a season, or over a lifetime. How weary are you?

What do the weary miss?

According to Michael Breus, PhD daytime fatigue is costly.

Sleep affects our ability to think, react, remember, and solve problems. One study showed that people who slept six hours or fewer at night for two weeks did just as poorly on mental tests as people who hadn’t slept at all for two nights. The catch is that we may develop some tolerance to lack of sleep and aren’t aware how much our alertness and performance is really suffering. (Emphasis added)

In terms of you better get some rest, people with insomnia are …

…twice as likely as well-rested people to have a car crash due to fatigue. They’re eight times more likely to have an accident at work. If they have an injury, insomnia can slow their recovery. In addition, people with insomnia are more likely to:

• Miss work
• Make bad decisions
• Take more risks
• Have trouble concentrating
• Be irritable
• Be depressed
• Eat foods high in calories

Symptoms of daytime fatigue include:

• Weariness, weakness, and/or depleted energy
• Lack of motivation
• Poor performance
• Memory problems
• Lack of productivity
• Prone to errors and mistakes
• Depression
• Low interest in being social

The realities of fatigue are wearisome. Which do you identify with?

Get some rest, not more coffee!

Let’s start with the basics; what if you are not sleeping well?

Why are you not sleeping well or enough?

Now, what will you do about it?

We could dig into this more, sleep is the subject of much research but it’s late in the afternoon and I’m tired; that’s all for now.

What do you think?

If you like this article, who could you forward it to?

Pick up your copy of my new book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

Your mountain is waiting, So… get on your way!

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

Recently, I gave three simple, but powerful questions. Each begs your attention and consideration. The answers determine whether you will reach your next level in life. Here they are …

1. What got you HERE?
2. Where is THERE?
3. How will you get THERE?

What’s your dream?

“There” could also be called your dream. What DO you hope for or long for? What is your dream, where is “There” for you?

What significant achievement do you long to reach?

What do you purpose to accomplish before your Story ends?

This is not daydreaming; it is your contribution to the world, your “art” as Seth Godin calls it.

The Story of Caine’s Arcade

Will you invest 11 minutes in your Story? I really hope you are free to create space and watch this video. It is remarkable; I believe you will be encouraged.

What could happen?

You will hear this Story, be inspired to act, and someone – like Caine – will see their dream come true because of the help you provide.  (Be sure to watch through  the end, credits and all.)

When do dreams come true?
Here are the three “truths” I take away from this Story …

1. Passion is required in the pursuit of a Dream
2. Discouragement is no match for determination
3. Support is essential for all Dreamers

So, when do dreams come true?

When there is passion about something yet to be, determination that overcomes the resistance, and support from others, outside the dream.

How did Nirvan Mullick influence Caine’s Story? He noticed the dream of a Dreamer, he used his influence to lead, guide and direct the action of others, and he made his contribution out of his own passion.

What did you take away?

Whether you are keeping your dream alive or helping someone pursue their dream, here’s to you getting “There”.

Please comment below.

Who would you like to share this with?

Will you help with a Tweet, using LinkedIn or forward to a friend?

Looking for an easy read to sharpen your core people skills?

Order your copy of my new book …

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

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Scott* came to the appointment a bit disappointed, defeated. “It’s not the right time.” Our recent discussions included his career path and his entrepreneurial dream.

He has achieved what most would call “success” – a six-figure income, prestige, recognition.

Our conversations were exploring his dream to launch his own business. But on that day, it seemed his mind was in a different place, but not his heart.

Photo Credit: Bill Ohl via Compfight

He was at the fork in the road; would he pursue his dream or not?

Remember that Question

Last week, I wrote about the big-little-question concerning control or influence.

When it comes to personal relationships – whether at work, home, or in the community – there is a response that consistently hinders progress; in fact, it generally creates unnecessary conflict and push back.

Often this particular pattern goes unacknowledged even though its effect is clearly unproductive.

What is it?

This unproductive behavior is the need to control.

By control I mean those efforts designed to make people behave in the way that you want them to behave. It is those unproductive efforts that limit (threaten) another person’s freedom act.

You can read my article here.

The simple question to ask on your way to an important meeting, before that phone call, hard chat or when dealing with conflict:

What do I want, control or influence?

No one – especially people of character, high talent, ambition or creativity – respond positively to attempted control by others. Do you?

However, people committed to excellence and making a difference are open to being influenced by another person – especially when they have their best interests in mind.  Now that is a different story.

What happens when you believe someone loves you (I mean, they know you, desire only the best for you, and want to help you achieve your goal). What is your response? How open are you to their influence?

The Drive to Control   

This unproductive behavior, trying to control another person, is usually driven by frustration, anxiety, anger, resentment, impatience, guilt, feelings of inadequacy … some expression of fear-based emotion.

Love and fear don’t dwell together. Desiring the best for someone and trying to control does not work.

Leadership is influence, not attempted control. The first person you and I must lead shows up every morning, in our mirror.

The Other Side

What if someone is trying to control you?

This is where personal responsibility is vitally important.

Listen to your words. When you hear blaming, complaining, excuse-making or a victim mentality this indicates avoidance of personal responsibility.  Such a response serves as a warning. Notice how you are giving up “control” to someone else.

Now, the question is: what do I want, to be controlled or to be influenced?

The healthy answer, of course, is the desire for a positive influence.  Individuals of influence who help us achieve our dreams, make our contribution, and fulfill our purpose in life are a gift.

At the end of our conversation, Scott understood he was not ready to give up on his dream. The hard thing was to accept personal responsibility and prepare to engage in a difficult conversation.

What do I want — control or influence?

What do I want to be — controlled or be influence?

Yes, leadership is influence.

What do you think?

*Name changed

If you like this article, who could you forward it to?

Pick up your copy of my new book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

When it comes to personal relationships - whether at work, home, or in the community - there is one response that consistently hinders progress; in fact, it generally creates unnecessary conflict and push back.

Often the particular pattern goes unacknowledged although it’s affect is clearly unproductive.

Photo Credit: Conor Keller via Compfight

Very early in life this inclination is tried and tested … discovered and developed UNLESS strong training is provided regarding a better approach.  Can you remember?

It takes some of us a lifetime to appreciate how futile this strategy really is in the pursuit of future success with others.

This behavior can be driven by anxiety, anger, resentment, frustration, impatience, guilt, feelings of inadequacy and other fear-based emotions.

What is it?

This unproductive behavior is the need to control.

What Control?

By control I mean those efforts designed to make people behave in the way that you want them to behave. It is those unproductive efforts that limit another person’s freedom to act.

I am not referring to control associated with policies, procedures or matters of law.

Law is a system of rules and guidelines which are enforced through social institutions to govern behavior, wherever possible. It shapes politics, economics, and society in numerous ways and serves as a social mediator of relations between people.

This conversation is limited to leadership; the relationship challenge of the everyday, ordinary, working together variety with the goal of high contribution and productivity.

Consider these shades of meaning the Encarta Thesaurus offers:

• manage (v.) – organize, be in charge of, run, have power over, be in command of, direct
• power (n.) – jurisdiction, rule, domination
• rule (v.) – manipulate, influence, dominate, oppress, have a hold over, hold sway over, dictate
• restrain (v.) – keep under control, keep in check, hold back, rein in, contain
• monitor (v.) – check, regulate, inspect, limit restrict
• influence (n.) – command, say, sway

When was the last time you appreciated someone’s attempt to control you? To manage, hold power over you, rule over you, restrain or monitor you? However, to be influenced by another … that’s a different story.

So here’s the simple question to ask before that important meeting or before you make that call or when experiencing conflict or frustration with someone and you are about to engage …

What do I want, control or influence?

Do I want to TRY to make this person or these people behave in a certain way – the way I want them to behave?  Or do I want to lead, guide, direct or influence the situation?

Control or influence?

Yes, leadership is influence.

What do you want (here), attempted control or influence?

What do you think?

Like this article, please feel free to forward or Tweet.

Pick up your copy of my new book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

While there are many examples in life, March Madness provides more than enough stories. If you have watched any of the 67 game, single-elimination NCAA basketball tournament you’ll see the frustration.

Whether you watch individual players (seniors, in particular) … teams (Cinderella or not) or the coaches, there will only be one crowned the 2012 NCAA Champions.

Indeed, there will always be commemorative merchandise shipped overseas where it doesn’t matter what the clothing says (the name of the team that didn’t win); it’s a new shirt.

Photo Credit: picdrops via Compfight

What’s going on?

There’s a lot of frustration these days, have you noticed?

When was the last time you felt frustrated? What was going on in the Story?

Frustration can be defined as a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs.

We experience frustration when hindered or defeated in an undertaking, when something brings on feelings of discouragement or our efforts seem to have no effect.

No wonder it is so frustrating to be frustrated.

However, feeling frustrated is actually a call to pay attention.

Generally speaking, frustration is associated with an unmet need, unfulfilled desire or a blocked goal; forward motion is limited.

What’s stopping you?

Where are you experiencing frustration?  Which goal, need, or desire is being obstructed, unmet, unresolved? Where is your forward motion stalled out?  What’s the message in the Story; what’s really going on?

One ancient Hebrew proverb says it well: The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.

As you give thought to your frustration, perhaps these questions will help you listen for truth in the Story …

• Why do I feel insecure or unsure of myself in this situation?
• What is the source of my disappointment or dissatisfaction?
• What is the unresolved problem?
• What is the unfulfilled need?
• What expectation is unmet?

How will you move forward?

When the path to achieving a goal, meeting a need, or fulfilling a desire is blocked frustration can be a reality-check. To be productive, we must examine the reason for frustration, all while accepting personal responsibility to move forward.

By default, there are two responses: hostility or withdrawal (yes, “fight or flight”). The third option requires self awareness, openness to truth, and  a commitment to engage in seeking solution.

How well do you stay engaged? The answer will determine both the level of frustration and effective problem solving in order to keep moving forward?

Frustration makes it easy to become stuck whether in a relationship or the pursuit of worthwhile goals. To move forward requires encouragement; courage to confront the “brutal facts” and strength that comes from meaningful purpose.

Encouragement raises confidence and the capacity to press through resistance, whether internal or external.  In other words, high frustration requires encouragement if we are to stay engaged in the journey.

We need each other.

Frustration requires both outside support and a personal commitment to leadership development. When you combine your ability and willingness to learn and change you can overcome the obstacles life brings.

Where are you experiencing frustration?

Where do find encouragement?

Like this article? Please forward to a friend…or your Tweet will be appreciated. I’d love to hear your thoughts, comment below…

Have you picked up your copy of my new book?

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

Our electrician, Gene, just left. With this week’s monsoon the circuit breaker tripped indicating faulty wiring somewhere. This particular circuit serves the yard outlet where our pond pump is plugged in.

Photo by rightee on flickr

We have a great Koi pond and the submersed pump circulates the pond water through a biological filter, a 12 foot long gurgling stream dropping over the water fall. All this action keeps the water fresh with oxygen for our Japanese Koi.

With the pump down and the fish at risk, I called Gene.

While he was here, I had a couple of other projects. Some time ago, we remodeled a half-bath and laundry. When I replaced a 3-way switch in the hallway, I crossed the wires.

Then, there is double switch for the ventilator/light in the half bath; once again it wasn’t put back as designed. No hazard, just inconvenient and we lost some of the intended function. Did I mention we “completed” that project in September of 2010?

What’s waiting on you?

To be sure, there was no hazard and minimal inconvenience with my wiring story. But that’s not always the case.

When it matters, here are four steps to help you move into action.

Step 1: Identify it.

What decision, task, or project are you putting off? Name it specifically.

Step 2: Calculate the cost.

How is a lack of action undermining your business or work? How is it affecting your well-being, peace, success; your health – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically? What about your relationships?

List 1-3 possible consequences of continued inaction …

Step 3: Recognize your driver.

Which of the following is having influence on your “I’ll do it, tomorrow” behavior?

• Subjective avoidance – that “uneasy feeling” about a task that leads you to walk away and avoid it
• Indecision – analysis paralysis, perfectionist-pause, anticipation of the “right way” or “what if?”
• Stress belief – that often deceptive idea that somehow “I do my best work under pressure”.

Step 4: Desire and reward.

How could you increase your desire to take action? What reward will you give yourself once “it is finished”?

What are you “putting up with” because, for one reason or another, you are not taking action to move forward?

My light switch seems pretty silly, now. A phone call and it is done.

What are you putting up with? What will it take to take get it done?

Like this article? Who could you forward it to? Your Tweet will be appreciated; and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Pick up your copy of my new book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

Photo credit

Bob* answered his phone, but was not available to the caller. Distracted would be an understatement; perhaps you can identify.

Photo by JunCTionS flickr

Yes, there is more to life than simply increasing its speed.

Learning to create space is vital to your ability to bring harmony to the frantic life, presence to the moment, and listening to the story. To create space we must learn to take control of the pace.

How to create space in a hurry

Here are three simple things you can do; your pick:

1. Breathe – don’t take a breath; instead slow down, let it be a deep, cleansing breath.  Go ahead, enjoy this life-giving oxygen; do you feel the space it creates?
2. Appreciate – think of a person you are thankful for … consider how they are touching your life. What if you send a text message or if you have time, call them; let them know you appreciate them.
3. Celebrate – who or what can you celebrate? It does not have to be a party; who could you go give a “high five” to? Who could you send a quick email of praise to?

As Bob related his story with me, I was proud. With just a little space while driving, he reflected on the phone call. He checked his phone’s caller ID, called the number, and apologized for his lack of attentiveness.

Guess what, the caller was checking with Bob to see if he was still interested in doing some work with their organization. The line through his name was erased, because he made the call.

To create space we must take some control over the pace.

Are you there?

Did you have time to do one of the three simple steps?

Like this article? Who could you forward it to? Your Tweet will be appreciated; and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Pick up your copy of my new book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

Photo Credit

*Not his real name