Mankind must evolve – for all human conflict – a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such method is love.   – Martin Luther King, Jr.*

With the expectation to “do more with less” and the bare-bone staffing of business the pressure opens the door for increased interpersonal conflict.

Time-starved and sleep-deprived, people are showing up at work fatigued creating more opportunity conflict and frustration.

How do you handle the conflict?

What can you do to move from conflict – whether a colleague, direct report, family or the driver in the next lane – to a workable solution?

Here is a short video coaching tip (less than 2 minutes) on the subject:

What do you think?

How does fear, conformity, or laziness show up in creating solutions?

How well are you seeing past the problem?

How well are you seeing the people?

Please comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

Order your copy today!

*American Baptist Minister and Civil-Rights Leader. (1929-1968) Source: thinkexist.com

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it’s time to check your yardstick.

- Bill Lemley

It was October 30, 1935 the Army Air Corp was testing and evaluating the Boeing fighter Model 299 at Wright Field, Dayton, Ohio.  John Schamel writes:

Wikimedia Commons Photo

The aircraft made a normal taxi and takeoff. It began a smooth climb, but then suddenly stalled. The aircraft turned on one wing and fell, bursting into flames upon impact. 

Putt, Benton, and Igo – although seriously burned – were able to stagger out of the wreckage to the arriving safety crews. Hill and Tower were trapped in the wreckage but were rescued by First Lieutenant Robert Giovannoli, who made two trips into the burning aircraft to rescue both men.

The investigation found “Pilot Error” as the cause. Hill, unfamiliar with the aircraft, had neglected to release the elevator lock prior to take off. Once airborne, Tower evidently realized what was happening and tried to reach the lock handle, but it was too late. 

It appeared that the Model 299 was dead. Some newspapers had dubbed it as ‘too much plane for one man to fly.’ Most of the aircraft contracts went to the runner-up, the Douglas DB-1. Some serious pleading and politicking by Air Corps officers gave Boeing a chance to keep the Model 299 project alive – 13 aircraft were ordered for ‘further testing’.

The 2nd Group’s operations were closely watched by Boeing, Congress, and the War Department. Any further accidents or incidents with the Model 299 would end its career. Commanders made this quite clear to all the crews. 

The pilots sat down and put their heads together. What was needed was some way of making sure that everything was done; that nothing was overlooked. What resulted was a pilot’s checklist… These checklists for the pilot and co-pilot made sure that nothing was forgotten. 

With the checklists, careful planning, and rigorous training, the twelve aircraft managed to fly 1.8 million miles without a serious accident. The U.S. Army accepted the Model 299, and eventually ordered 12,731 of the aircraft they numbered the B-17. 

Why a pilot’s check-list?  It provided some way of making sure that everything was done; that nothing was overlooked.  It can be a matter of life and death … success or failure.  

Prepare for Take-off 

While a pilot’s check-list deals with matters of life and death … clearly setting expectations affects our leadership success or failure. I believe effectively setting expectations is a key to lowering relationship frustration and achieving high performance. 

To accomplish your desired outcomes in business, career, or personal relationships expectations must be expressed and examined if they are to be executed. 

What did you expect? 

Expectations are a constant, whether we recognized them or not.  We will do well to pay attention to this leadership ability.

One primary indicator of unfulfilled expectations is frustration.  When frustrated, notice how often it starts with an unmet expectations … whether with oneself or others.

Answering the question: “What do you expect?” there is another question:  

What did they hear?    

When someone fails to meet your expectation what is your first response?

Sure, disappointment or exasperation is natural when plans are hindered or our desires go unmet.  Instead of giving way to the frustration, aggravation, annoyance, disappointment, or even anger … what if we take these emotional prompts to examine our expectations?

Unnatural as it may feel in the moment, it is time to examine how well we communicated.  As an alternative to blame consider looking for the truth in the story. 

That Yellow Light!

When do you like “hitting a yellow light”?  At the pace of life, most of us would say: “Never!”

You are a busy leader.  Everyone is busy.  Who isn’t being asked to do more with less? So, who has time to slow down in order to set expectations?  Do you thik pilots are in a hurry to get there?  Yet, they take the time to examine what he expects from his aircraft … it is a matter of life or death.

When coaching around expectations I provide my clients a “pilot’s check-list”; while rarely a matter of life or death, poorly set expectations often lead to failure.  

When we recognize frustration as a yellow light, warning us to stop, think, and examine the story, we will enjoy higher performance and greater success.  As you prepare for the conversation, consider asking such questions as:

• What do I expect?  Dig deep for the details…
• What is critical information around this expectation?
• How reasonable is the expectation?
• What did they hear? Do I have their buy-in?  Ask them to repeat, in their own words what you expect…
• What are the ramifications if this doesn’t happen? Rewards? Consequences?
• How will I coach them through to the finish?

John Schamel notes the success achieved after the “pilot check list” was put into play. 

With the checklists, careful planning, and rigorous training, the twelve aircraft managed to fly 1.8 million miles without a serious accident. The U.S. Army accepted the Model 299, and eventually ordered 12,731 of the aircraft they numbered the B-17.   

What’s your experience?

• How well are you setting expectations?
• Where are you experiencing frustration … how does it relate to unfulfilled expectations?
• Who are you frustrated with … yourself or others? 
• How might you improve expressing and examining expectations?

Please share your comments below.

When was the last time you said, “Perception is reality”?

Have you ever had someone report an incorrect interpretation of what you said or did? Then, as you try to explain the facts and fill in the “truth gap” they flippantly say, “Perception is reality!” 

When we develop an attitude or understanding based solely on what is observed or thought that is our perception.  Perceptions are not always reality when reality is focused on truth or facts.

Photo by Kanu Hawaii

I find it to be a small step from perception…thinking something is true based on observation, to making assumptions…accepting something as true without verifying it. 

Assumptions often lead to irresponsible decisions.  However, the word “assume” can also mean taking responsibility for something.  Interesting. 

We can protect relationships and increase our decision making success by taking responsibility for our assumptions and perceptions.

Making assumptions based only on one’s personal perceptions creates conflict, distrust, encourages unproductive behavior, and hinders effective decision making.  Performance suffers.

Assumptions and perceptions are closely linked together.

Who is responsible for perceptions?

Is it you or me?

I believe it is us…you and I are both responsible for perceptions.

Sure, it is easier to go with what we observed or thought to be the case and make the assumption…especially, when we have a personal agenda.  

Do you find it interesting how our perception of those we support is positive, while our perception of those we disagree with is negative?

The mature thing to do is to be responsible for our assumptions.  Said another way, we take responsibility to seek the truth, not believe something is true because we “think it is” or we may observe something that leads us down a negative path in support of our negative perception.

The other responsible thing is to be aware of how we “show up”. 

How do you want to be seen?

Taking responsibility for your “persona” is about taking charge of how you are perceived by yourself and others. 

• Persona is about discovering the truth of your identity and how it is revealed and projected
• We can choose to change our persona or the image we portray
• How we think about ourselves impacts how we live and how others perceive us

Here is another approach and exercise you may use around identifying your persona.

• Remember this is a process
• Honesty is key
• What is your desired outcome; what qualities do you want to embody?
• This is about your identity: who you are at work, home, wherever you go
• Begin by writing one or two complete sentences using positive concepts
• This is about who you “be” rather than what you “do”
• Feedback may help you as you ask others “How do you experience me?”
• Answer the following two questions: 

1. How do I believe I am presently perceived?
2. How do I want to be perceived?

The bottom line is that managing perceptions is everyone’s responsibility.

• It is our responsibility to seek truth, not hide behind a perception of another person, with the cop-out: “perception is reality”
• It is our responsibility to manage our persona or image by being aware of our behavior and how it affects those we do life with
• It is important to remember assumptions are to be challenged when we care about truth

In a previous article, I suggested three steps to protecting relationships threatened by the limiting behavior of making assumptions that applies to our perceptions:

1. Slow it down
2. Check your thinking
3. Ask questions

So the next time you hear someone say “Perception is reality” look for a way to ask how they have sought out the truth.

And the next time you hear yourself say “Perception is reality” do a reality check: do you want to know the truth or do you want to hide a possible bias?

What is your experience with perceptions?

How do you manage assumptions?

Please comment below; I’d love to hear from you.

Photo by U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service - NE Region

Intensity happens.

What happens when the heat index is this intense?

• People try to escape from it
• People tend to feel exhausted
• More effort is required to stay engaged
• Systems are pressed to their limit; air conditioning and dehydration come to mind…

The National Weather Service reminds us excessive heat is dangerous,

“The combination of hot temperatures and high humidity will combine to create a dangerous situation in which heat illnesses are possible.”

When something or someone is intense, it is an indication of an extreme degree of something…like the temperature, but of course I’m thinking about people. 

Intensity often shows up as a strength overextended, the use of force or authority, that raw emotion on display; unproductive behaviors.

Intensity happens. 

For most of us, “being intense” happens sooner or later; for some it’s right now, not later.  Which best describes you?

When does intensity happen in your work and life?

Intensity, as an unproductive behavior, often shows up when

• Expectations are not met
• Cooperation is not received
• One’s control feels threatened
• Emotion-based fear sits in the driver’s seat

One of my recent clients began their coaching engagement with “off the chart” intensity.  As we examine the story, his on-boarding was poorly managed with unrealistic expectations.  His up line manager’s behavior was driven by personal success and advancement, too.

Combine all the details with his core motive “to be right” and what happens?  Unregulated behavior (intensity) designed to say, “I’ll show you; I’ll prove I can do this job!”  This created success-limiting behavior. 

Misery accompanies “off the chart intensity” (like a hot summer day) and you know what misery likes, right? Yes, company.

Could that be “career-limiting intensity”?

Perhaps you heard about the JetBlue airline attendant, Steven Slater and his intense, on-the-job demonstration.  As the story goes, Slater reached his breaking point with an alleged passenger situation; he grabbed a beer, popped open the emergency exit door, took a ride down the inflatable slide, and ran across the tarmac to his car in employee parking.  Could that be “career-limiting”?

What’s interesting to me is how this story seems to resonate with people in the workplace.  It seems to be the “fantasy story” for a frustrated, under-appreciated, and over loaded work force.

Sara Kagle, an 18 year airlines’ veteran writes in the Wall Street Journal about her experience in the crew room after the misnamed “jump to freedom” incident.

I headed to the airport on Monday having just heard about JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater’s now famous jump to freedom. I expected a reaction, but not the phenomena that has followed. In the crew room, I could hear everyone sharing the news. The story was still unbelievable to me, and to everyone else. One fellow flight attendant didn’t believe me when I told her, another heard it and thought there must be more to the story — and, indeed, investigators are questioning the account.

But, mostly the reaction was the same: “I love this!” “Good for him!” “He’s my Hero!”

So, why do flight attendants feel this way? Do we really think that Steven Slater is a hero?

I’ll let you read her article for her take as this post is about the impact of intensity in your work.

How might you avoid an unfortunate, regrettable experience ignited by the demonstration of intense behavior? 

Three, no Four Simple Steps

Consider these simple actions as a place to begin to help manage your intense moments…

1. Breathe; a slow, cleansing, deep breath
2. Smile; (I know, it is counter intuitive, just try it and see)
3. Repeat, “I’m cool” (something is threatening your identity)
4. Reality Check: What’s true here? What’s my desired outcome?

Simple, not easy, especially during the intense moment. 

Consider this: What is the cost of intensity on your relationships, performance, health, and life?

My client emailed me after a couple of coaching sessions:

I have had a great couple of days.  I feel more confident and stronger than ever.  I also saw my level of intensity for the first time, kind of disappointing.    (Emphasis added)

Enjoy reflecting on these questions, if you wish:

1. How intense are you on a scale of 1 (low) to 6 (extremely)?
2. When are you the most intense?  Listen to your story…
3. How do you view your intensity, as a strength or weakness?
4. How do you think others experience you when you are intense?
5. How do you know that?

As for Mr. Slater

His unproductive behavior is allowing him to be charged with criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, and trespassing.  According to the WSJ, Slater

…has been cast as a working-class hero by some in the media and on the Internet for telling off rude passengers and then quitting in style.  His attorney said Slater…who pleaded not guilty to the charges, appreciates the support but isn’t enjoying the spotlight and only wants to return to aviation.

“This is a man who only cares about his industry, the airline industry,” Mr. Turman said. “He wants to thank JetBlue. It is a wonderful airline. Steven loves working for them and wishes to continue working for them.”

JetBlue has said that Mr. Slater has been suspended.

What is the impact of a “high intensity index” on others around you?  Much like the 105 degree temperatures people will…

• …try to escape from you
• …feel exhausted around you
• …invest more effort to stay engaged working with you
• …be pressed to their limit

Intensity has its price, so remember:

Breath…Smile…Repeat, “I’m cool.”

And, take that reality-check.

What do you think?  How do you combat “too intense” in today’s intense work place?

Please comment below; I’d love to hear from you.

.

What do you do with a jolt in life?

Last week I shared the stage with Jim Stovall at The Lemonade Journey in Tulsa. The event offered support to people facing uncertain times.  

The Lemonade Journey is about how we respond to life’s jolts and the opportunity to create something better. 

The Lemon Story gives insights for life’s journey, especially during uncertain times…

• Lemon juice represents real life hardships that jolt us.  These unexpected and unsolicited events carry an emotional shock that can send us into a hostage-like experience.
•  Combine water with the lemon juice and things improve.  Water is life; no water and life is short.  The first thing scientists search for on other planets when looking for life is water.   Adding water to lemon juice represents understanding your purpose in life.
• Mix in sugar and you have a refreshing beverage on a hot summer’s day.  Sugar makes things more agreeable, less painful or trying.  Those carbohydrates provide our bodies energy to function, that “get-up-and-go” life requires.  Sugar is water-soluble and represents passion; an excitement, enthusiasm and love for life.

The Lemon Story is about transformation; lemon juice changes into “something better” when combined with water and sugar. 

How is this true in life? 

You can transform something shocking, unsatisfactory or unexpected into “something better” when your purpose and passion in life are mixed in.

That jolt can send us into a hostage-like existence, a box if you will. This is where fear-based thinking and ancient, negative behaviors hold people captive, hindering future success.

Finding your way out of the box requires creating space.  This path out of the box requires the disciplined use of time and place, and resources. 

The key to growth is reflection on the truth found in your story.  

Your commitment to consistent reflection where you have time and place to listen to your story will allow you to create “something better.” 

The path out of the box leads to your Spacious Place.  Here you live with the commitment to life as an adventure.  Here you are free to live your life with purpose and passion while serving others.  Here you add water and sugar to the lemon juice and begin to create something new and refreshing.

The Lemonade Journey is about how you respond to life’s jolts and the opportunity to create something better.  It is about transformation, the process of change, performance improvement, and personal growth.

Have you experienced a recent jolt?

Where are you in “The Lemonade Journey”?

What do you need in your life today to move toward your dream?

As a leader, what do you really want?

The most recent meeting Sara* had with her manager became an instructive story.  During our coaching conversation, her reflection on the exchange allowed her to make some deeper connections.

Recently she began to understand her core motive: “to be in control”.

She now understands how the core motive drives thinking, behavior, and ultimately performance.  When aware of her “need to control” she can choose to be intentional and pro-active.

As she learns to take a deep breath and evaluate her thinking she can  release control.  Her performance is improving; she has freedom to use her strengths as she gets out of her own way.  Every leader can do this.

However, when unaware of her core motive, Sara can be reactionary and unintentional in her behavior.  All of us can be.  Her drive to control pushes her out of control resulting in unproductive behavior, people conflict, and poor performance.

The story comes from a feedback conversation when her control-oriented manager was frustrated.  As her manager tells Sara how disappointed she is the manager moved into out of control behavior.

How do I know?  Listen to her emotionally driven words, “It’s a good thing I didn’t come to your office yesterday or I would have walked you out the door right then.”

Note: What if you ask this manager if she was out of control during the meeting?  Do you think she would own it or deny it? 

As a behaviorial hostage, she may be the only person in the room that doesn’t know how her behavior is hindering her influence.  

Why control the impulse to “control”?

In Leaders Release Control – Part One, I wrote about the illusion of control.

An excessive need to control your [people] will lead to living out of control.  Control is an illusion.  The excessive need to control others lowers performance, yours and that of the people you need to be successful.

Obviously, the last thing you want to do as a leader is hinder performance. Keith Ayers, in Engagement is Not Enough writes about how managers unintentionally increase the disengagement of employees with four obsessions:

An obsession with financial results

An obsession with control

 An obsession with avoiding responsibility

An obsession with logic

He correctly observes the lack of research in support of a control-based approach to leadership and management.   

How does a control-oriented leader show up?  Consider this summary of Ayers’ insights regarding the behavior of such leaders, they:

Assume that people cannot be trusted and send that message to their team

Micro-manage employees, believing that tasks will not be completed to their standards unless they are checking in on their teams

Assume employees do not really want to work; therefore they need to continue driving them to achieve results

Believe that, as the manager, they have all the knowledge and experience, and therefore they need to make all the decisions about how to improve performance

Notice how leaders who seek excessive control display out of control behavior, all the while living with the illusion of being in control.   

What does that look like?

We return to Sara’s story.

Consider the emotional statement about “firing her on the spot”.  Yes, she was out of control.  The manager apologized a little later.  Apology accepted, but…

How do you think this exchange affects Sara’s engagement as an employee?  How would it affect you?

How committed is this emerging leader to an environment where the potential of “one wrong move and you’re out of here” is implied? (By the way, the potential “terminating offense” carries considerable subjectivity and is not a clearly defined expectation.)

Furthermore, how does this behavior create an obstacle to Sara’s ability and willingness to support her manager’s success?

What is the Next Level path?

Leaders who release control demonstrate self-control and gain influence.

What is your goal as a leader control or influence?

Do you want it done “your way” or to achieve the desired outcome?

Do you want a disengaged team member or a passionate contributor to your success?

What are the benefits associated with seeking influence instead of control?

Influence allows support to flow to you instead of trying to take control; it is about collaborating instead of commanding.

• Influence is freedom to deliver positive support of others
• Influence allows you to capture the devotion and allegiance of others
• Influence allows you to achieve your goals with others
• Influence is freedom from trying to prove you are in charge
• Influence allows others to contribute and enjoy success

Why does releasing control improve performance?

Great performance comes from an environment where great people have an opportunity to contribute their unique perspective, talent, and voice to the process, project, or job.  You cannot control the process, but you can direct it as you communicate the vision, set clear expectations, and define desired outcomes.

To release control is an act of liberation from a self-imposed burden. Once free, the power to accomplish more is immediate as you tap into the creativity of others and allow collaboration.  Trust, improved morale, open communication, employee engagement, and improved performance are your reward.

- Steve Laswell

Leaders Release Control – Part 2

How does it happen?

This path requires a change in leadership behavior.

What is the outcome when Sara’s manager exercises self-control, restrains her impulse, and manages her emotions?

What happens when Sara’s development, delivered in an objective style is the focus of the feedback?

How does this support performance improvement?

Leaders who release control demonstrate self-control and gain influence.

 Leadership is influence, not control.

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.”

Thomas Kempis

For personal reflection:

Which approach, control or influence, best describes your style?

• What are the benefits of releasing control?
• What has been your experience with control oriented leaders?
• Who has an influence in your life?  How did that happen?

Please add to the discussion by posting your comments below.

*This is not the person’s name, to protect their privacy.

How committed are you to your personal development?

As our coaching conversation continued, Susan* recounted several stories from the past week, professionally and personally, indicating the significant personal growth she is experiencing.  She works in Human Resources as a corporate trainer. 

She is investing in her own personal growth as an emerging leader.

Recently her manager, unannounced, sat in on one of her training sessions. 

In the recent past, she would have reacted; this time she responded.  How did she respond?  

• She noticed her emotions, took a deep breath, and examined her thinking. 
• This allowed her to stop the emotional reaction
• This also silenced the assumptive voices playing with her head
• Which gave her a minute to examine her thinking and change it
• She received positive feedback from her boss for her Improved Performance

We celebrated! 

After sharing a couple of other real world incidents, she had this puzzled look on her face…she was processing.  “I don’t understand how all this focus on me fits with serving others as a leader.  It seems a little selfish to give all this attention to me.”

Starting with the obvious, I ask, “Are you a woman, wife, and mother?” Long pause and smile.  “What is it you normally do in all your roles?”

“Nurture others, take care of them…”.  Then, she connected the dots.

I pressed on, “What are you seeing in your relationships with your boss, your co-workers, even your husband as a result of this effort on you developing you?”  (Her stories from the previous week involved all of these individuals.)

“Things are improving,” she observed.

“Indeed. Is your influence increasing?”

“Yes.” 

“If leadership is influence, then giving attention to your own development has increased your leadership…your influence…improved your performance; the impact on others is positive, right?”

Freedom to give attention to your own personal development is far from being selfish as others reap the benefits of your growth, too.  Life is good. 

Dr. Marshall Goldsmith, author of 26 books including What Got You Here Won’t Get You There a New York Times best-seller, Wall Street Journal #1 business book tells about General Mills CEO Steve Sanger in this Fast Company article – “To Develop Others, Start with Yourself”.  Here are some excerpts (emphasis added):

Listen to what General Mills CEO Steve Sanger recently told 90 of his colleagues: “As you all know, last year my team told me that I needed to do a better job of coaching my direct reports…I have been working on becoming a better coach for the past year or so. I’m still not doing quite as well as I want, but I’m getting a lot better. My coworkers have been helping me improve.”

While listening to Steve speak…I realized how much the world has changed. Twenty years ago, few CEOs received feedback from their colleagues [or] discussed their personal developmental plans. Today, many of the world’s most respected chief executives are setting a positive example by opening up, striving continually to develop themselves as leaders. In fact, organizations that do the best job of cranking out leaders tend to have CEOs like Steve Sanger who are directly and actively involved in leadership development.

No question, one of the best ways top executives can get their leaders to improve is to work on improving themselves. Leading by example can mean a lot more than leading by public-relations hype.

Unfortunately,…CEO arrogance can have the opposite effect. When the boss acts like a little god and tells everyone else they need to improve, that behavior can be copied at every level of management. Every level then points out how the level below it needs to change. The result: No one gets much better.

The principle of leadership development by personal example doesn’t apply just to CEOs.  It applies to all levels of management. All good leaders want their people to grow and develop on the job. Who knows? If we work hard to improve ourselves, we might even encourage the people around us to do the same thing.   

For your reflection this week:

1. What are your thoughts on you developing you?
2. How are you openly developing yourself?
3. What is the biggest hindrance to intentional personal growth?
4. How high of a priority is leadership development this year for you?
5. Who is on your leadership or management team, your circle of influence that you will encourage to develop their personal development plan for 2010?  How will you support their efforts?

“Great leaders encourage leadership development

by openly developing themselves.”

                                                                                                        - Marshall Goldsmith

Yes, we celebrated Susan’s personal growth and related performance improvement.  As she closed her journal, she ran her fingers over the title: Next Level Journal…Accelerated Personal Development.  She now understands the power of coaching; accelerated personal development.

Gaining insight into who she is and what is driving her she is changing business behavior that has been getting in her way.  With improved  relationships and improved performance, her influence grows.  Her stress is lower and life is better; very worthwhile wouldn’t you say?

Here’s to your Next Level…

*Not my client’s name, it is changed to maintain her privacy