You cannot always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts.  – Charles Popplestown

The opportunity found me and caught me a bit by surprise.

Imagine meal time with nine children. See the brothers, brothers and sisters, and lots of cousins.

That scene was repeated several times during Thanksgiving weekend. Rita and I are blessed with; Maggie our 10 year old, first-born granddaughter; seven grandsons: Nolan – 8, Kalen – 6, Levi – 5, Judah – 5, Max – 4, Salem – 2, and Simon – 2. And, don’t forget Olivia, she is 3 months old … 9 “little people” that amaze me.

Can you imagine the excitement of “living” together for several days at Grandma’s house? How about the energy of boyhood and how eager you might be to finish eating so you can go play?

Imagine being an empty nester.

You get the picture.

Meals are especially different when there are seventeen people to feed instead of two.  It’s much like life – there is a lot of diversity in how we do things.  Not right or wrong, different. Like your place of work or wherever you find people, right?

The Wonder of Relationships

In last week’s article I wrote about the wonder of relationships, the reality of conflict, and the grease of gratitude. If you missed it, it’s a quick read.

How much do I love my grandchildren? More and more.

How much energy do they bring to the table? More and more.

So, when all our Stories converge in time and one place an opportunity for conflict is created. Conflict, is simply a disagreement between people and our individual ideas of what is acceptable or expectations.

Remember the Story: behavior at the table.

What conflict?

If it is possible for a Grandpa and his grandchildren to experience “conflict” how much more with people in roles such as: business partners, department heads, sales/production teams, employer/employees, parents/teen, husband/wife, perhaps mankind and our Creator?

No doubt about it, moments in the Story provide many opportunities to experience this unconscious opposition between immediate but incompatible desires, needs, drives, or impulses … producing a mental struggle.

In some circles it would be called “war”. Have you seen conflict escalate to “war” between people? How about Black Friday shoppers?

Conflict begs for action.

There are two sides, two opinions, two desires, two needs, arriving at the same place at the same time in opposition to one another resulting in tension, disagreement, disengagement between people.

The big question: How do you want to respond?

There are only two responses to relationship conflict:

1.   It seems to be the default setting with most of us: try to exert control. Control involves misguided efforts to limit or restrict somebody or to exercise authority over someone.

In the realm of relationships, control is highly ineffective and costly. How do I know? Think about it: when was the last time you wanted someone to put controls on your freedom?

2.  This second option is what leaders do, but it takes intentionality: to have influence.  At the most basic level leadership is the ability to guide, direct, or influence people. Yes, leadership is influence … with people.

In the realm of relationships – solutions, problem solving, innovation, engagement, productivity, high performance, and enjoyment of life come when we release control in favor of influence.

Conflict presents this question: What do I want in this relationship? Do I want to try and control the other person or to have influence with them?

The solution to conflict requires at least one person’s commitment to achieving influence; that may be all it takes … just your release of control in pursuit of leading.

So at one of those meals, it dawned on me: I could not control my grandchildren. My efforts would be misguided and only add to the “pressure” of the moment if I tried to limit or restrict them or to play the “this is my house” authority card.

What I did have grace enough to see was the opportunity to lead. So I knelt down between Levi and Maggie to get eye level as they were sitting at the table. And I began to ask some questions about “table manners” … I asked for their help … “Who wants to be a leader?” and what that might look like.

You know what, they knew the answers.

What do you hear? What’s your experience?

Who could you forward this to? Or Tweet? Or comment below.

Newly released, available to you and your team, a must have book:

THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

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*Quote Source: ThinkExist

People who fail to achieve their goals usually get stopped by frustration.  

- Anthony Robbins

Relationships are often strained due to frustration, the frustration created by poorly communicated expectations. 

Can you think of a relationship where you are experiencing frustration?

Now, think about why you are frustrated; is there an unfulfilled expectation? If so, what is it? 

*Lori’s relationship with her CEO is strained. Her recent performance review was lower than the previous years.  During the review, the CEO also told her he wants a 35% reduction in production time by year end; it was not discussed.  She nods and leaves his office.

What do you think?  How do you think their relationship is affected? How frustrated is she, based on this poorly communicated expectation?  How inspired? Motivated? Encouraged?  

This story became the perfect moment to explore the foundational leadership and communication skill of setting expectations. 

Fueling the Conflict  

Notice the negative progression of how well expectations are communicate (or not) and how this leads to interpersonal conflict.   

• un EXPRESSED – Telling, without communicating
• un EXAMINED – Telling, without seeking to understand
• un REALISTIC – Telling, without concern for practicality
• un FULFILLED – Frustration and limited opportunity

UN-desired outcome: interpersonal conflict.  

Four Steps to Effectively Set Expectations 

While it will require time on the front end to prepare and set expectations, it will pay off. Compared to the cost of frustration in your organization or relationships is it worth the extra effort?  What is the cost of a missed deadline?  What is the cost of disengagement? What is the cost of lost opportunities?

Consider these four steps the next time you need to set an expectation: 

1.  Communicate 

• Why does it matter?
• Ask and probe the 5W Questions: Who? What? When? Where? Why?
• Is this expectation realistic? How do I know that?
• Can they do what I’m asking?
• What do we need to happen? 

 2.  Commitment

• How do you know you have buy-in?
• How will you know they “own it?
• Can they repeat the details, in their own words?
• How well do they understand what the desired outcome is? 

3.  Consequences

• Establish accountabilities
• What are the positive or negative consequences?
• What reward(s) can be attached to successful completion?
• What happens if the commitment is unfulfilled? 

4.  Coaching

• When will feedback be given?
• When will we re-negotiate, if need be?  
• How will I support their execution?

Before you say, “I don’t have time for all that!” how would you answer this question: 

How much time and energy do you spend managing relationship conflict due to unfulfilled expectations?

Lori, is a successful executive but left that meeting lacking clarity as to the CEO’s expectation.  How is this affecting her performance, engagement, and relationships?  What do you think? 

Please share your comments below.

*The name has been changed.

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it’s time to check your yardstick.

- Bill Lemley

It was October 30, 1935 the Army Air Corp was testing and evaluating the Boeing fighter Model 299 at Wright Field, Dayton, Ohio.  John Schamel writes:

Wikimedia Commons Photo

The aircraft made a normal taxi and takeoff. It began a smooth climb, but then suddenly stalled. The aircraft turned on one wing and fell, bursting into flames upon impact. 

Putt, Benton, and Igo – although seriously burned – were able to stagger out of the wreckage to the arriving safety crews. Hill and Tower were trapped in the wreckage but were rescued by First Lieutenant Robert Giovannoli, who made two trips into the burning aircraft to rescue both men.

The investigation found “Pilot Error” as the cause. Hill, unfamiliar with the aircraft, had neglected to release the elevator lock prior to take off. Once airborne, Tower evidently realized what was happening and tried to reach the lock handle, but it was too late. 

It appeared that the Model 299 was dead. Some newspapers had dubbed it as ‘too much plane for one man to fly.’ Most of the aircraft contracts went to the runner-up, the Douglas DB-1. Some serious pleading and politicking by Air Corps officers gave Boeing a chance to keep the Model 299 project alive – 13 aircraft were ordered for ‘further testing’.

The 2nd Group’s operations were closely watched by Boeing, Congress, and the War Department. Any further accidents or incidents with the Model 299 would end its career. Commanders made this quite clear to all the crews. 

The pilots sat down and put their heads together. What was needed was some way of making sure that everything was done; that nothing was overlooked. What resulted was a pilot’s checklist… These checklists for the pilot and co-pilot made sure that nothing was forgotten. 

With the checklists, careful planning, and rigorous training, the twelve aircraft managed to fly 1.8 million miles without a serious accident. The U.S. Army accepted the Model 299, and eventually ordered 12,731 of the aircraft they numbered the B-17. 

Why a pilot’s check-list?  It provided some way of making sure that everything was done; that nothing was overlooked.  It can be a matter of life and death … success or failure.  

Prepare for Take-off 

While a pilot’s check-list deals with matters of life and death … clearly setting expectations affects our leadership success or failure. I believe effectively setting expectations is a key to lowering relationship frustration and achieving high performance. 

To accomplish your desired outcomes in business, career, or personal relationships expectations must be expressed and examined if they are to be executed. 

What did you expect? 

Expectations are a constant, whether we recognized them or not.  We will do well to pay attention to this leadership ability.

One primary indicator of unfulfilled expectations is frustration.  When frustrated, notice how often it starts with an unmet expectations … whether with oneself or others.

Answering the question: “What do you expect?” there is another question:  

What did they hear?    

When someone fails to meet your expectation what is your first response?

Sure, disappointment or exasperation is natural when plans are hindered or our desires go unmet.  Instead of giving way to the frustration, aggravation, annoyance, disappointment, or even anger … what if we take these emotional prompts to examine our expectations?

Unnatural as it may feel in the moment, it is time to examine how well we communicated.  As an alternative to blame consider looking for the truth in the story. 

That Yellow Light!

When do you like “hitting a yellow light”?  At the pace of life, most of us would say: “Never!”

You are a busy leader.  Everyone is busy.  Who isn’t being asked to do more with less? So, who has time to slow down in order to set expectations?  Do you thik pilots are in a hurry to get there?  Yet, they take the time to examine what he expects from his aircraft … it is a matter of life or death.

When coaching around expectations I provide my clients a “pilot’s check-list”; while rarely a matter of life or death, poorly set expectations often lead to failure.  

When we recognize frustration as a yellow light, warning us to stop, think, and examine the story, we will enjoy higher performance and greater success.  As you prepare for the conversation, consider asking such questions as:

• What do I expect?  Dig deep for the details…
• What is critical information around this expectation?
• How reasonable is the expectation?
• What did they hear? Do I have their buy-in?  Ask them to repeat, in their own words what you expect…
• What are the ramifications if this doesn’t happen? Rewards? Consequences?
• How will I coach them through to the finish?

John Schamel notes the success achieved after the “pilot check list” was put into play. 

With the checklists, careful planning, and rigorous training, the twelve aircraft managed to fly 1.8 million miles without a serious accident. The U.S. Army accepted the Model 299, and eventually ordered 12,731 of the aircraft they numbered the B-17.   

What’s your experience?

• How well are you setting expectations?
• Where are you experiencing frustration … how does it relate to unfulfilled expectations?
• Who are you frustrated with … yourself or others? 
• How might you improve expressing and examining expectations?

Please share your comments below.

Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.

                                                                                               -Elliot Larson 

A foundation to executive coaching is to help my client listen to the truth found in the story.  Whether it is feedback, experience, success or failure, the truth (facts and realities of our stories) will help us get to the next level as leaders.

A recent coaching session not only illustrates this but is the subject of today’s post. 

With very little “small talk”, Mike* begins with the statement, “It’s been a rough week.” Immediately he proceeds to share three stories from his past week:

• A necessary employee release
• A difficult conversation with a service provider
• A disappointing experience with a potential strategic partner

As he details the narratives, one key word continues to surface in my mind: expectations. When he finishes the last account I ask, “How do expectations play in each of these stories?” 

When are expectations NOT present?

For coaching around expectations, oxygen is my analogy of choice.  

Think about it, how much attention do you give to your need for oxygen?  Unless you have a medical condition, not much, right?  Most of us take oxygen into our lungs without thinking about it…inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale … breathing. 

Much like our relationship with oxygen, is there ever a moment that we don’t have an expectation? Think through your day … do you expect the alarm to go off or the front desk to call?  Do you expect light with the flip of the switch? Do you expect a change in room temperature with the adjustment of the thermostat? Do you expect hot water when you turn the left water faucet? What do you expect when you put the key in your car’s ignition?

On and on all day long … we take oxygen, without thinking about it … expectations are continuous. 

What about those moments of unmet expectations?

The hot water tank mysteriously stops producing during the night…COLD shower!  What’s your response?  Running a few minutes behind schedule for a big appointment, every traffic light IS a red stop light? How do you respond?  

How about frustrated?   

Yes, feelings of disappointment or exasperation come when our plans are hindered or our desires go unmet … frustration is often the default setting.   

Frustrate comes from the Latin root, meaning to disappoint, Webster defines frustrate:

: to balk or defeat in an endeavor; b. to induce feelings of discouragement in; to make ineffectual; bring to nothing: impede, obstruct

Frustration is a fear-based emotion triggered when we feel threatened.  In the case of expectations frustration can be a response to real or perceived opposition to our goals, plans, or desires. What comes with fear? That’s right, an inclination to “fight or flee”. 

How are relationships affected? 

We just rehearsed some every day, unconscious expectations … hot water, lights on, car starting, a close parking space, and green lights all the way to the office.  Such expectations can go unmet and produce frustration. Mature self-awareness and self-control keeps the frustration in check. 

The greater challenge involves our expectations with self and others. What happens to a relationship when we believe someone is hindering our success or blocking fulfillment of a desire?  We can experience the same fear-based emotion of frustration. 

What happens when what we want from another person is not delivered?  What happens when we think another person is standing in opposition to our success?   

In such a moment the fear creates disharmony and it is a small step to conflict.  An unfulfilled expectation triggers the fear-based emotion of frustration opening the door to interpersonal conflict.

The Missing E’s of Expectation Harmony 

Notice the natural progression that leads to this interpersonal conflict do to expectations.  

• unEXPRESSED – How well did I communicate of the expectation?
• unEXAMINED – What resources are needed, is it doable?
• unFULFILLED – Why isn’t it happening?
• Interpersonal Conflict – Why am I so frustrated with …? 

Mike made the connection.  As we listened to each of the stories and reflected on the truth (facts) he did not clearly set expectations.  If he is frustrated, how might the other people be feeling? 

To reduce relationship conflict and achieve desired outcomes, expectations must be well expressed and examined in order to be executed.

Where are you frustrated and with who, self or others?  What expectation is NOT being met? 

What is your experience around expectations?  Please share your comments below.

Photo by Idealisms

Last week I re-connected with a former employee, she ran a few minutes late for our 7:05 a.m. breakfast appointment.  It was fine, as I waited outside the restaurant enjoying a 68 degree late summer morning.

Upon arrival, she apologized and explained why she didn’t call…her phone is MIA; not really lost, just not coming out of hiding.  Apparently the battery is drained so forget the prompt suggestion, “Just call your phone.”

Of course, it’s not really a phone; it is a “Smart Phone”…an intelligent device…fashionable. 

Yes, I have one.  Yes, the iPhone 4. 

Yes, it’s for my business.

My journey to hyper-connectedness started with my Blackberry (model 6230 is an “antique” by today’s advanced technology standards; good grief, its all of 6-7 years old).  

Yes, I’d heard the stories of people sleeping with their Blackberry and heard the “CrackBerry” jokes.  My boss, at the time was thrilled that our management team was going to be connected and responsive.

I can remember (am I starting to sound “old”?) when we would let the old “land line” ring when a call came in during dinner, “They’ll call back.”  Once upon a time it was considered rude to sit at the table with privacy curtain of a newspaper cutting you off from others.

Exchange of Information

Communication is about the exchange of information between people; it’s delivering a message whether spoken or written or through behavior.  I love helping people become better communicators, people connecting with people.

There is another meaning to communication having to do with “access”.  This is the opportunity to approach or connect to get information.  No breaking news here, information is available 24/7 which is giving some traditional delivery systems the challenge of their lifetime.

When is 24/7 access too much?

Tim Ferris provides some interesting stats on his blog, “Experiments in Lifestyle Design” around e-mail addiction and information overload. Consider,

66% of people read email seven days a week and expect to receive a response the same day

61% continue to check email while on vacation

56% have anxiety if they can’t access email

“CrackBerry” was the official winner of the 2006 Word-of-the-Year as selected by the editorial staff of Webster’s New World College Dictionary. Blackberry addiction has been labeled “similar to drugs” in a study performed by Rutgers University; millions of users are now able unable to go more than five minutes without checking e-mail.

According to online surveys of more than 4,000 people, conducted jointly by AOL and the Opinion Research Corporation and reported in 2005:

41% of Americans check e-mail first thing in the morning

• 18% check e-mail right after dinner
• 14% check e-mail right when they get home from work
• 14% check e-mail right before they go to bed
• 40% have checked their e-mail in the middle of the night

More than one in four (26%) say they can’t go more than two to three days without checking email, and they check it everywhere:

• In bed – 23%
• In class – 12%
• In business meetings – 8%
• At the beach or pool – 6%
• In the bathroom – 4%
• While driving – 4%

So, how you doing…where does your behavior fit in?

The new “overtime”?

A recent article in the Chicago Sun-Times tells about a Police Sergeant suing for compensation due to his off-duty time spent working on his Blackberry.

Sgt. Jeffrey Allen’s job had him on an electronic leash of sorts.

Even when he was off duty, Allen says, he performed work on his department-issued BlackBerry. Now he wants to get paid for the off-duty time he spent on the device.

Allen has sued the city in federal court, seeking overtime pay for up to two years. His lawsuit, filed earlier this year, seeks OT for similarly situated officers, too.

“Over a period of years, I am confident there are hundreds of hours,” said Paul Geiger, one of his attorneys.

Allen was issued a BlackBerry while he was in the gang-investigations unit. “These guys, regardless of rank, are spending in some cases hours on the phone dealing with search-warrant issues and calls from supervisors about cases — and they’re working when it’s not their tour of duty,” Geiger said.

“We have reached a point in society where it’s very easy to get a whole lot of unpaid work from employees just by the use of these devices,” Geiger said. “I want people to get paid for the work they do.”

Who’s been sleepin’ in my bed?

The Pew Research Center is a nonpartisan “fact tank” that provides information on the issues, attitudes and trends shaping America and the world by conducting public opinion polling and social science research.  

Their recent report on Millennials provides interesting information on cell phone use. The line between work life and personal life is being blurred with each generation, with each new device. Millennials are being called the first “always-connected” generation in history. According to the report:

Millennials are more likely than older Americans to treat their cell phones as a necessary and important appendage. Many even bring their cell phones to bed. A majority (57%) of the public has placed their cell phone on or right next to their bed while sleeping. (Page 39)

What’s the price of “always connected”?

In 1992, the United Nations declared stress the “20th Century epidemic.”

In our fast-paced society, where information overload is common place and each day involves hundreds of decisions and interruptions, stress finds a fertile field. Perhaps nowhere is the rise in stress more real than your workplace.

An article on Bank of America’s Small Business website suggests,

Stress-induced health issues, absenteeism, employee turnover, and lower productivity cost our economy an estimated $300 million a year. On average, according to data from the Center for Economic and Policy Research, adults in the United States work longer hours and take less vacation than workers in any other industrialized nation. Perhaps then, it’s no surprise that a recent study of 2,500 American workers by CareerBuilder.com found that more than three out of four-77 percent-feel overworked and burned-out at their jobs.

What is the cost in your life of being “always connected”?

What are we afraid of?

One of my coaching exercises “Next Level Journey” delivers this powerful truth about what hinders sustained success.  The limitations become a box of sorts which is… 

Ancient behavior that hinders future success due to fear-based emotions.

Work that backwards and we see how ”fear” drives old behaviors, which hinder performance and success.

Here’s the question: What fear drives this need to be connected 24/7?

Leaving breakfast, my friend suggested she may not replace her “Smart Phone” opting out for “just a cell phone”.  Why? She’s enjoying the freedom.

What do you think?  How do you manage the expectation to be connected 24/7?

Please comment…I’d love to hear from you.

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Photo by U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service - NE Region

Intensity happens.

What happens when the heat index is this intense?

• People try to escape from it
• People tend to feel exhausted
• More effort is required to stay engaged
• Systems are pressed to their limit; air conditioning and dehydration come to mind…

The National Weather Service reminds us excessive heat is dangerous,

“The combination of hot temperatures and high humidity will combine to create a dangerous situation in which heat illnesses are possible.”

When something or someone is intense, it is an indication of an extreme degree of something…like the temperature, but of course I’m thinking about people. 

Intensity often shows up as a strength overextended, the use of force or authority, that raw emotion on display; unproductive behaviors.

Intensity happens. 

For most of us, “being intense” happens sooner or later; for some it’s right now, not later.  Which best describes you?

When does intensity happen in your work and life?

Intensity, as an unproductive behavior, often shows up when

• Expectations are not met
• Cooperation is not received
• One’s control feels threatened
• Emotion-based fear sits in the driver’s seat

One of my recent clients began their coaching engagement with “off the chart” intensity.  As we examine the story, his on-boarding was poorly managed with unrealistic expectations.  His up line manager’s behavior was driven by personal success and advancement, too.

Combine all the details with his core motive “to be right” and what happens?  Unregulated behavior (intensity) designed to say, “I’ll show you; I’ll prove I can do this job!”  This created success-limiting behavior. 

Misery accompanies “off the chart intensity” (like a hot summer day) and you know what misery likes, right? Yes, company.

Could that be “career-limiting intensity”?

Perhaps you heard about the JetBlue airline attendant, Steven Slater and his intense, on-the-job demonstration.  As the story goes, Slater reached his breaking point with an alleged passenger situation; he grabbed a beer, popped open the emergency exit door, took a ride down the inflatable slide, and ran across the tarmac to his car in employee parking.  Could that be “career-limiting”?

What’s interesting to me is how this story seems to resonate with people in the workplace.  It seems to be the “fantasy story” for a frustrated, under-appreciated, and over loaded work force.

Sara Kagle, an 18 year airlines’ veteran writes in the Wall Street Journal about her experience in the crew room after the misnamed “jump to freedom” incident.

I headed to the airport on Monday having just heard about JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater’s now famous jump to freedom. I expected a reaction, but not the phenomena that has followed. In the crew room, I could hear everyone sharing the news. The story was still unbelievable to me, and to everyone else. One fellow flight attendant didn’t believe me when I told her, another heard it and thought there must be more to the story — and, indeed, investigators are questioning the account.

But, mostly the reaction was the same: “I love this!” “Good for him!” “He’s my Hero!”

So, why do flight attendants feel this way? Do we really think that Steven Slater is a hero?

I’ll let you read her article for her take as this post is about the impact of intensity in your work.

How might you avoid an unfortunate, regrettable experience ignited by the demonstration of intense behavior? 

Three, no Four Simple Steps

Consider these simple actions as a place to begin to help manage your intense moments…

1. Breathe; a slow, cleansing, deep breath
2. Smile; (I know, it is counter intuitive, just try it and see)
3. Repeat, “I’m cool” (something is threatening your identity)
4. Reality Check: What’s true here? What’s my desired outcome?

Simple, not easy, especially during the intense moment. 

Consider this: What is the cost of intensity on your relationships, performance, health, and life?

My client emailed me after a couple of coaching sessions:

I have had a great couple of days.  I feel more confident and stronger than ever.  I also saw my level of intensity for the first time, kind of disappointing.    (Emphasis added)

Enjoy reflecting on these questions, if you wish:

1. How intense are you on a scale of 1 (low) to 6 (extremely)?
2. When are you the most intense?  Listen to your story…
3. How do you view your intensity, as a strength or weakness?
4. How do you think others experience you when you are intense?
5. How do you know that?

As for Mr. Slater

His unproductive behavior is allowing him to be charged with criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, and trespassing.  According to the WSJ, Slater

…has been cast as a working-class hero by some in the media and on the Internet for telling off rude passengers and then quitting in style.  His attorney said Slater…who pleaded not guilty to the charges, appreciates the support but isn’t enjoying the spotlight and only wants to return to aviation.

“This is a man who only cares about his industry, the airline industry,” Mr. Turman said. “He wants to thank JetBlue. It is a wonderful airline. Steven loves working for them and wishes to continue working for them.”

JetBlue has said that Mr. Slater has been suspended.

What is the impact of a “high intensity index” on others around you?  Much like the 105 degree temperatures people will…

• …try to escape from you
• …feel exhausted around you
• …invest more effort to stay engaged working with you
• …be pressed to their limit

Intensity has its price, so remember:

Breath…Smile…Repeat, “I’m cool.”

And, take that reality-check.

What do you think?  How do you combat “too intense” in today’s intense work place?

Please comment below; I’d love to hear from you.

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What does reality have to do with success?

One of the attendees of our recent event, The Lemonade Journey wrote me about her story and her “take away” from the morning.

Bombs happen…it is part of life.  How you react determines the outcome. 

My bomb was my employer telling me I was difficult to work with.  Never saw that coming.  Always prided myself on being a valuable, hard working employee.  An asset. Certainly not the fastest or most tech savvy employee but loyal, determined, and passionate about customer service. 

Being the people pleaser, I am; I took this very hard; perhaps too hard.

Another way at looking at a “jolt” along life’s journey is to think of it as a “reality check”.  

Do you seek reality?

As a people developer, I naturally observe people.  I’ve found we have one of three responses to the “call to grow”.  The person may:

1. Know something is holding them back, but not know what to do
2. Know something is holding them back, but does not slow down to address it
3. Not know, while others around them know

Likewise, there are three responses to dealing with the truth about who you are, where you are, and how well you are leading your life.  When it comes to reality, people will:

1. Assume they know what’s going on, so they act or think as if they know what’s going on
2. Seek reality as the friend it is designed to be
3. Avoid reality steering clear of the truth using denial or minimization to avoid it 

What is the “best predictor” of future success?

What comes to mind when you think of success predictors?

Often we think in terms of education, talents, strengths, skills, right place at the right time, or knowing the right person, and hard work.

While all of these contribute to finding an opportunity, here it is:

“The Best Predictor of Future Success” is the ability &  willingness to learn & change achieved through consistent reflection on the truth found in one’s story…experience, feedback, success, & failure.”

Where do you look for reality?

The story, your story delivers the truth needed to experience freedom, growth, and success.

When we look in these three directions, we will discover reality:

1.  Your world – What is true around you, your work, your company, the market, the world?  What is really going on when you let go of the assumption you “already know”? To say it another way, challenge your assumptions. 

Ask the question: “What is it really like out there?”

2.  You – What do you think about feedback?  Is it more like the “noise in a loudspeaker” or useful information for guiding your journey?   When embraced, feedback helps you get from where you are today to “there”.  Do you wait for feedback or actively seek it?

Ask the question: “What is it like to encounter me?”

3.  Others – The business of business (life) is people.  The only thing that truly matters is our relationships. Interestingly enough, when it comes to reality, your past relationships tend to influence how you see others today.  Whether an unresolved past, your own needs, or your own self-image, how you see others affects reality.

Ask the question: “How do I see this person, and why?”

What does reality have to do with success?

Yareli Arizmendi says, “As artists, the pleasure is to really have your work resonate and mean something. Art takes its inspiration from reality.”

A sense of joy in our work comes when we live with purpose and passion, serving others. Today is a blank canvass; paint your new chapter gaining direction and inspiration from your story.

When you seek and embrace truth, freedom comes; enjoy the journey.

Whether our friend is “hard to work with” or not I don’t know.  However, her “reality check” does provide opportunity to engage in conversation in pursuit of truth.  Why waste the pain?

How are you responding to reality?

As a leader, what do you really want?

The most recent meeting Sara* had with her manager became an instructive story.  During our coaching conversation, her reflection on the exchange allowed her to make some deeper connections.

Recently she began to understand her core motive: “to be in control”.

She now understands how the core motive drives thinking, behavior, and ultimately performance.  When aware of her “need to control” she can choose to be intentional and pro-active.

As she learns to take a deep breath and evaluate her thinking she can  release control.  Her performance is improving; she has freedom to use her strengths as she gets out of her own way.  Every leader can do this.

However, when unaware of her core motive, Sara can be reactionary and unintentional in her behavior.  All of us can be.  Her drive to control pushes her out of control resulting in unproductive behavior, people conflict, and poor performance.

The story comes from a feedback conversation when her control-oriented manager was frustrated.  As her manager tells Sara how disappointed she is the manager moved into out of control behavior.

How do I know?  Listen to her emotionally driven words, “It’s a good thing I didn’t come to your office yesterday or I would have walked you out the door right then.”

Note: What if you ask this manager if she was out of control during the meeting?  Do you think she would own it or deny it? 

As a behaviorial hostage, she may be the only person in the room that doesn’t know how her behavior is hindering her influence.  

Why control the impulse to “control”?

In Leaders Release Control – Part One, I wrote about the illusion of control.

An excessive need to control your [people] will lead to living out of control.  Control is an illusion.  The excessive need to control others lowers performance, yours and that of the people you need to be successful.

Obviously, the last thing you want to do as a leader is hinder performance. Keith Ayers, in Engagement is Not Enough writes about how managers unintentionally increase the disengagement of employees with four obsessions:

An obsession with financial results

An obsession with control

 An obsession with avoiding responsibility

An obsession with logic

He correctly observes the lack of research in support of a control-based approach to leadership and management.   

How does a control-oriented leader show up?  Consider this summary of Ayers’ insights regarding the behavior of such leaders, they:

Assume that people cannot be trusted and send that message to their team

Micro-manage employees, believing that tasks will not be completed to their standards unless they are checking in on their teams

Assume employees do not really want to work; therefore they need to continue driving them to achieve results

Believe that, as the manager, they have all the knowledge and experience, and therefore they need to make all the decisions about how to improve performance

Notice how leaders who seek excessive control display out of control behavior, all the while living with the illusion of being in control.   

What does that look like?

We return to Sara’s story.

Consider the emotional statement about “firing her on the spot”.  Yes, she was out of control.  The manager apologized a little later.  Apology accepted, but…

How do you think this exchange affects Sara’s engagement as an employee?  How would it affect you?

How committed is this emerging leader to an environment where the potential of “one wrong move and you’re out of here” is implied? (By the way, the potential “terminating offense” carries considerable subjectivity and is not a clearly defined expectation.)

Furthermore, how does this behavior create an obstacle to Sara’s ability and willingness to support her manager’s success?

What is the Next Level path?

Leaders who release control demonstrate self-control and gain influence.

What is your goal as a leader control or influence?

Do you want it done “your way” or to achieve the desired outcome?

Do you want a disengaged team member or a passionate contributor to your success?

What are the benefits associated with seeking influence instead of control?

Influence allows support to flow to you instead of trying to take control; it is about collaborating instead of commanding.

• Influence is freedom to deliver positive support of others
• Influence allows you to capture the devotion and allegiance of others
• Influence allows you to achieve your goals with others
• Influence is freedom from trying to prove you are in charge
• Influence allows others to contribute and enjoy success

Why does releasing control improve performance?

Great performance comes from an environment where great people have an opportunity to contribute their unique perspective, talent, and voice to the process, project, or job.  You cannot control the process, but you can direct it as you communicate the vision, set clear expectations, and define desired outcomes.

To release control is an act of liberation from a self-imposed burden. Once free, the power to accomplish more is immediate as you tap into the creativity of others and allow collaboration.  Trust, improved morale, open communication, employee engagement, and improved performance are your reward.

- Steve Laswell

Leaders Release Control – Part 2

How does it happen?

This path requires a change in leadership behavior.

What is the outcome when Sara’s manager exercises self-control, restrains her impulse, and manages her emotions?

What happens when Sara’s development, delivered in an objective style is the focus of the feedback?

How does this support performance improvement?

Leaders who release control demonstrate self-control and gain influence.

 Leadership is influence, not control.

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.”

Thomas Kempis

For personal reflection:

Which approach, control or influence, best describes your style?

• What are the benefits of releasing control?
• What has been your experience with control oriented leaders?
• Who has an influence in your life?  How did that happen?

Please add to the discussion by posting your comments below.

*This is not the person’s name, to protect their privacy.

Why control the impulse to “control”?

Last week, while group coaching a local doctor’s office staff, the subject of “control” came up.  During the coaching, we were exploring how behavior puts people in a “box” when I made the statement, “Control is an illusion”. 

One individual strongly questioned the statement.  It appears we prefer the illusion, at a cost; perhaps it is associated with seeking “power”.

When it comes to “control”, the obvious is obvious: we cannot exercise power or authority over the weather, stock market, that favorite sports team, the traffic, etc.   In fact, we “control” very little in life.

When it comes to “control”, the not so obvious is important to remember:  you will not achieve top performance by trying to over control others or the work they do.

As General Sales Manager of the #1 billing station in Oklahoma City, I clearly remember the struggle associated with managing my outside sales team. As I learned to release control, the stress level went down when the focus was on performance outcomes instead of trying to control performance activity.

Yes, management by definition involves exercising power or authority over something or someone; however, the excessive need to control others is unproductive and creates performance issues.  As I noted in last week’s blog,

“An excessive need to control your people, your department or your company will lead to living out of control.  Control is an illusion.  Excessive control lowers performance, both yours and that of the people you need to truly be successful.”

The illusion says, “You’re the manager, you can control these people and make things happen.”  When you buy the illusion it leads to “out of control” behaviors such as micro management, unrealistic expectations, frustration, anger, red in the face, harsh words…unproductive reactions to people who do not do what you want them to do they way you want it done.

Yes, you can try to control others but the success you desire will elude you.  Control is an illusion about most of life including relationships if you want to achieve top performance.

Why does releasing control improve performance?

Great performance comes from an environment where great people are given the opportunity to contribute their unique perspective, talent, and voice to the process, project, or job.  The solution is to direct the performance of others.  This can be done when you communicate vision and purpose, set clear expectations and secure ownership, and define desired outcomes.

Releasing control is an act of liberation from a self-imposed burden. Once free, the power to effect is immediate as you tap into the creativity of others and allow collaboration.  Trust, improved morale, open communication, employee engagement, and improved performance are your reward.

Feel free to enjoy the additional benefit of reducing the stress associated with trying to “be in control”.

When is delegation the path to freedom?

Imagine the task of arranging the seating area for a new coffee shop.  The goal is to arrange a comfortable seating configuration for 38-40 java customers.  You have a mixture of high top and various round tables, two leather sofas, and four upholstered chairs.

The boss gives you the project. With considerable thought and care you place the sofa and chairs against the back wall.  It is the focal point upon entering this happening place.  You are pleased, mission accomplished.

The next afternoon you find the room rearranged.  When you ask a fellow worker she explains how earlier that morning the boss moved the furniture group to just inside the door.  How are you feeling now?

What happened?

• Function: the desired outcome was clear, arrange the seating area to accomodate 40 customers

• Preference: how the resources were arranged

• Behavior:  the need to control drove the manager to re-arrange the furniture

What is the impact? What are you thinking, as the employee now?

When do you delegate?

Delegation is a developmental opportunity allowing someone to grow when given an assignment of value.  It is a  great option when:

• Expectations are clearly communicated (function)
• The desired outcome is understood (function)
• It will stretch them but they have the resources to handle it
• You recognize the 80% of the project that is function
• You release the other 20% of the project which is preference

When will delegation be a challenge?

If you have an excessive need to control you will find it difficult to practice this leadership skill.  To delegate you must release your preference or the mentality that there is “one way to do this”.  As you release control and give freedom to others, you’ll be amazed.

“No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself, or to get all the credit for doing it.”

-Andrew Carnegie

For personal reflection:

What is your biggest challenge when it comes to releasing control?

What would you say?

• What is your experience around this issue?
• What have you learned?
• What do you think?

Please add to the discussion by posting your comments below.

Photo by Jaded Delilah

How do leaders control their use of control?

Few people have the ability to throw a small round object over 6o feet within a defined 17-inch wide space somewhere between an individual’s knees and chest.  The ability to place a pitch precisely in the strike zone earns professional baseball pitchers sizable contracts.

The tricky part of the “strike zone” is that it changes with each batter.  There is no “automatic” strike zone and much of what is a strike or not a strike is the judgment of a home plate umpire.  By the way, a fastball travels at a speed of 95-100 mph.

When it comes to the fastest pitcher, the most widely held response remains Nolan Ryan.  His fastball, officially clocked by the Guinness Book of World Records reached 100.9 miles per hour when the California Angels were defeated by the Detroit Tigers August 20, 1974 in Anaheim Stadium.

Why control the “need to control”?

While a pitcher must control his pitch, an effective leader understands the negative effect of an unchecked need to control.  Your ability to release control supports performance.  While management does involve exercising power or authority over something, an excessive need to control is unproductive and creates performance issues.

Have you ever noticed the challenge a new manager faces?  It’s the next level transition – moving from a narrow personal success focus to achieving success with and through others.  It is next level leadership that moves from technical practical understanding to increased influence.  For example, a successful sales professional may fail as a sales manager for this very reason.

An excessive need to control your department or company will lead to living out of control.  Control is an illusion.  Excessive control lowers performance, yours and that of the people you need to be successful.

Michael Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers supports my point in his blog Leadership: Control vs. Influence

I often hear leaders, particularly younger ones, complaining about their lack of control in various situations. “If only the sales department reported to me, I could consistently hit my budget,” they lament. Or, “If the production department reported to me, I would not have run out of inventory!”

What they are really saying is, “If I could control these people, I could guarantee the results.” The truth is that control is an illusion. You can’t control anyone, even the people that report to you.

The intent is not to eliminate policy, protocol, or process…chaos is not the goal.  The goal is an increase of your influence, freedom, and performance.

 “No man will make a great leader who wants to

do it all himself, or to get all the credit for doing it.”

-Andrew Carnegie

What does it mean to “control”?

Consider the following shades of meaning the Encarta Thesaurus offers for control:

• manage (v.) – organize, be in charge of, run, have power over, be in command of, direct
• power (n.) – jurisdiction, rule, domination
• rule (v.) – manipulate, influence, dominate, oppress, have a hold over, hold sway over, dictate
• restrain (v.) – keep under control, keep in check, hold back, rein in, contain
• monitor (v.) – check, regulate, inspect, limit restrict
• influence (n.) – command, say, sway

What happens when a leader displays an excessive control?

Although this list is incomplete the message is clear, excessive control hinders productivity.  Consider how it…

1. Stifles creativity
2. Lowers morale
3. Increases stress for everyone
4. Interferes with open communication
5. Hinders superior performance
6. Reduces the possibility of trust
7. Increases the frustration of everyone
8. Leads to turnover of motivated and talented people
9. Deteriorates your credibility

10.  Diminishes your influence

11.  Interferes with teamwork & collaboration

12.  Limits the helpful aspect of “managing up”

13.  Weakens relationships

14.  Keeps others from developing and growing their skills

Clearly set expectations are critical to performance.

The Power of “Released Control”

To release control is an act of liberation from a self-imposed burden; trying to control situations, the process, the project, or the people.  Once free, the power to accomplish more is immediate as you tap into the ability and strength of others.  Is there anything on this list you don’t desire for your operation?

1. Increased creativity
2. Improved morale
3. Reduced stress
4. Open communication lines
5. Improved performance
6. Enlarged trust
7. Increasing job-related satisfaction
8. Retaining motivated and talented people
9. Enhanced credibility with your team

10.  Your circle of influence grows

11.  Greater team work  and collaboration

12.  Acceptance of feedback and supportive “managing up”

13.  Stronger relationships

14.  Consistent personal growth and skill development

One this restriction on your future success is eliminated – the need to control – others will contribute and succeed, too.  Sound good?

For additional reflection:

1. When you review “What does it mean to “control”?” which of the descriptors or behaviors best describe what you want?
2. How does the “desire to control” show up in your behavior?
3. Which of the positive outcomes associated with “releasing control” do would improve the performance of your department or company?

True Freedom…Releasing Control

The value of a professional baseball pitcher is his ability to deliver within the clearly defined expectations of a “strike” or “ball”.  As you set clear expectations and release control the possibilities are superior.

Leaders who practice excessive control are living out of control while under the illusion of being in control.

Leaders who practice delegation and give up control will find freedom; success is sure to follow.

Here’s to your Next Level –