Mankind must evolve – for all human conflict – a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such method is love.   – Martin Luther King, Jr.*

With the expectation to “do more with less” and the bare-bone staffing of business the pressure opens the door for increased interpersonal conflict.

Time-starved and sleep-deprived, people are showing up at work fatigued creating more opportunity conflict and frustration.

How do you handle the conflict?

What can you do to move from conflict – whether a colleague, direct report, family or the driver in the next lane – to a workable solution?

Here is a short video coaching tip (less than 2 minutes) on the subject:

What do you think?

How does fear, conformity, or laziness show up in creating solutions?

How well are you seeing past the problem?

How well are you seeing the people?

Please comment below.

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THE PEOPLE PROJECT:

Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

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*American Baptist Minister and Civil-Rights Leader. (1929-1968) Source: thinkexist.com

The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people.

- Woodrow T. Wilson

Photo by US Mission Geneva

We were at Border’s Cafe for Rachel’s coaching appointment. We had identified part of what was holding her back as a leader – a lack of confidence; she was not using her voice effectively.

If leadership is about having influence it’s pretty hard to achieve if your voice is silent. While she was writing in her coaching journal, I excused myself.  Making my way to the check-out area there was a display rack of various gift cards.

I selected this gift card and gave it to Rachel. I suggested the gift card message could serve as a reminder back at the corporate offices. She agreed and placed on her desk where she would see it.

Beyond the sound made when we use our vocal organs, voice represents our ability to express our thoughts, to contribute to the conversation.

Recently I have been amazed at how often this matter of being heard has come up. The stories reveal the affect of not being heard by the boss or sometimes, a complete lack of response to ideas.

What’s the affect of a silent voice?

When there is a failure to listen, to hear someone’s voice there is a price to pay. The ramification when leaders fail to lift every voice is significant; for example:

• The loss of employee engagement
• Doubt regarding one’s value to the organization
• The lack of respect diminishes trust
• Innovation is limited
• Opportunity for improvement, lost

How often does limiting another’s voice become a strategy to suppress their ideas?

How often is limiting another’s voice driven by a need to control.

To silence the voice of others is a leadership limiting behavior.

Whose voice and whose responsibility is it?

There are two sides to this story; it’s not always the boss not listening. Bret Simmons, faculty member of the College of Business, University of Nevada – Reno recently wrote about how beliefs can lead to a self-limiting use of the voice.

Referencing The Academy of Management Journal study by James Detert and Amy Edmondson; he summarizes five beliefs that can misguide employee thoughts towards those in authority causing them to exhibit “self-protective silence”.

1. Negative career consequences of voice: e.g. if you want advancement opportunities in today’s world, you have to be careful about pointing out needs for improvement to those in charge

2. Don’t embarrass the boss in public: e.g. you should always pass your ideas for improvement by the boss in private first, before you speak up publicly at work.

3. Don’t bypass the boss upward: e.g. loyalty to your boss means you don’t speak up about problems in front of his or her boss.

4. Need solid data or solutions (to speak up): e.g. unless you have clear solutions, you shouldn’t speak up about problems.

5. Presumed target identification: e.g. it is not good to question the way things are done because those who have developed the routines are likely to take it personally.

From my executive coaching experience, a silent voice is a shared leadership challenge. Yes, some leaders driven by insecurity, the pace of life, a need to control, or due to poor communication skills silence the voices. However, some employees – misguided by false beliefs – remain in silence.

Bottom line: silence limits leadership effectiveness. Where are you in the story?

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When every physical and mental resource is focused, one’s power to solve a problem multiplies tremendously.

- Norman Vincent Peale

Photo by Steve Laswell

It was a warm summer morning as Rita and I sat on the patio near our Kio pond. This significant water feature includes a 12 foot stream spilling over a 4 foot water fall into a large pond; the movement and “music” of the water are relaxing and enjoyable.

Our Japanese Kio fish are colorful and personable, it’s fun to feed them and watch them glide “effortlessly” through the water.  The pink and yellow water lilies deliver amazing blooms that only last a day or two.

Of course, the large bull frog and occasion box turtle visitors, along with the regulars – squirrels, raccoon, and birds create an entertaining backyard retreat.

This particular morning I notice an unusual number of dragonflies working the yard. The longer the air show went on the more I wondered what was going on. With iPhone in hand, it was time to Google.

The link I selected took me to an article that began:

You see them in your yard, in the woods, and in fields. They come in a variety of beautiful colors. But what do you really know about the dragonflies that share our world?

Brandon Cornett’s article goes on to provide 21 interesting facts. Here are a few of my favorites:

You often see dragonflies near bodies of water, because they lay their eggs on or near the water.

Dragonflies are not born with wings.

Dragonflies spend most of their lives in the larva stage (up to three years, depending on the species). The adult, winged stage only lasts a few weeks. Mating is the primary reason for their winged stage. So when you see a winged dragonfly, you know it’s toward the end of its lifespan.

Male dragonflies can be very territorial, staking claim to a particular area alongside a pond or stream. When you see two adults chasing each other through the air, it is often one male chasing another from its territory.

Dragonflies can be useful in controlling mosquito populations…one of their primary food sources!

As far as insects go, dragonflies are among the fastest. Some…can fly upward of 30 miles per hour. Their four wings also allow them to move sideways, backward, to hover in place, etc. And they can do all of these movements quickly and accurately, which makes them well suited to eat other insects right out of the air

When I tapped into my resources I gained knowledge, insight, appreciation and a greater experience.

Leadership Development

There are just two key words in the phrase “leadership development”.

Leadership which has to do with our ability to lead, guide, direct, or influence people.

Development speaks to a process of changing, becoming stronger, more successful as a person, or causing somebody to change in such a way.

As an executive coach, I see leadership development as engaging in the process of change in order to expand one’s personal influence as a leader. Changing Behavior; Growing One’s Influence.

Create Space

A personal development principle I coach around involves Creating Space. When we create space for consistent reflection our influence will increase.

What do I mean, “Creating Space”?

It is the disciplined use of time, place, and resources to listen for truth found in your story.

What happens when we learn to create space for reflection?

• We can listen for the truth found in our story; messages coming from feedback, experience, success, and failure
• We can begin to see the people (Imagine the plate spinning act; to see people requires we lower our gaze)
• We can renew our energy
• We can acknowledge areas where our behavior is getting in our way
• Then, we can improve our performance and,
• Have a positive impact on life, relationships, work

What a nice return for the disciplined use of time and place to tap into the resource of our story, wouldn’t you say?

The Conspiracy of Time

Here is where the war is being waged against what supports future success (consistent reflection); what is it? “I’m so … busy!” And it is true, we are busy.  This is why by definition “creating space” is the disciplined use of time, place and resources.

When will you make time for consistent reflection? More often than not, we’ll create space when the pain is greater than the resistance.

Tapping into my resources that summer morning I gained knowledge, insight, appreciation and a greater experience. Those same benefits are available as we tap into our story looking for truth; then, we can change behavior and grow our influence … a greater life experience!

How well are you tapping into your resources?

 Whether something brings them joy or pain, when people share and engage in communities, they form bonds and relationships with others who acknowledge their situation.  – Liana Evans, from post on Search Engine Watch  

Last week I shared the story behind co-hosting the #leadfromwithin Tweet Chat with Lolly Daskal and the role of social media.

The theme of our #leadfromwithin Tweet Chat is Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead.  If you have not participated in this social media platform I encourage you to explore.

Recent co-hosts of #leadfromwithin include Jesse Lyn Stoner, co-author with Ken Blanchard the book Full Steam Ahead her topic was Connecting through Community.

The following week after me Bret L. Simmons - faculty of the College of Business at the University of Nevada, Reno – co-hosted the Tweet Chat on Dare to Trust.

How does the #leadfromwithin chat room work? Ten questions are tweeted during the hour; the community tweets and interacts. Lolly provides a full transcript (go here for Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead.) for review. 

Here are some of the Tweets others shared on my topic …

 Q1: What is the power of “story”?

@scedmonds: Story is the weaving of our past with our potential future.

@emeliasam: Stories are formats that are universally understood…that is power.

@KamKansas: You can’t hate someone once you know their story.

@drbret: Stories are intimate, personal. Good stories connect on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level.

@Steve_Sass: Story provides examples of past experience to inspire future success.

@EdwardColozzi: Story is the way we humans strive to express, teach, learn, honor, and remember each other.

@juanortiztweets: Stories allow us to examine what we do with what has been done, and learn from the good and bad on both sides.

@CareerSpan: The narrator is the main character experiencing every emotion and thought.

@KateNasser: The power of story – it ignites more thoughts than the information delivered.

@gracinginginity: If you listen you may discover someone else’s nugget of gold.

@JesseLynStoner: Stories are how the ancient bards transmitted our culture.

@grit08: It lives and breathes your truth.

@LollyDaskal: Wherever I go, I find that my story has been there before me.

@StrategicMonk: Story is narrative; it is how we understand how our experiences fit together and shape who we have become up to now.

@OlliesLounge: Stories engage you, show you a new world.

@ThinDifference: Story is what people will say about you after the dust settles.

@John_Paul: Story has the power to capture our imagination and take us on adventures into new domains.

@LynnFishman: Stories speak to the dreamer in all of us.

@scedmonds: Stories connect the HEART with the HEAD and can inspire marvelous success.

@Josepf: Stories can also be FALSE, and when we tell them others can listen and help guide/point-out to then allow for renewal.

@Natasha_D_G: Story is powerful as it connects the dots transforming specks into a valuable picture.

@KateNasser: Stories used in teaching allow students to discover the truth vs. hear the truth.

@TerriKlass: Stories help us to define ourselves and understand where we need to go.

@emmakuhlpitts: People love hearing stories because it makes it personal.

@Versalytics: Stories provide a means to connect and paint pictures.

@JFeskorn: Our Story: where we’ve been, who we are becoming, and who we want to be.

@KamKansas: We are hard-wired for stories. We don’t put our kids to bed with PowerPoints of the Three Little Pigs.

@Cybuhr: A book must be open for the story to be read. We must be open to share our story.

@LollyDaskal: Tell your story, change the world.

@growinggold: Just off the phone w/my mother…today’s been an emotional day…hoping #leadfromwithin lifts my spirits; reminds me why I am here!

@soniafarace: Stories give us inspiration to move forward and believe that he impossible IS POSSIBLE

@scedmonds: The most inspired speakers connect us with ideas through stories. They make sense and provide meaning. 

To read the tweets for the other nine questions go here for the transcript.

Q2: What happens when we pay attention to our story?

Q3: What are the benefits of embracing our story?

Q4: Why do we resist our story?

Q5: How does listening to our story accelerate personal growth?

Q6: How does story guide our future?

Q7: How do we use story telling in leadership?

Q8: How do we engage story to develop leaders?

Q9: What happens when you know someone’s story?

Q10: What have you learned from your own story?

How would you answer these questions? Which answers resonate with you? 

When will you slip in the Tweet Chat room? 

I hope you enjoy this story behind a Tweet Chat – Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead. For more background you can read my post here.

Part of this story, for me, is the potential of social media.

• A connection is made through LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, etc.
• Then deepened…cultivated using the phone or in person

Lolly, please accept my gratitude for our new connection. Yes, for the privilege of being a part of your #leadfromwithin community of reflective, caring people.  

Come by any Tuesday, 8:00 pm Eastern; www.tweetchat.com enter #leadfromwithin or visit Lolly Daskal.   

Guess what? You may find a party…a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships. 

So go ahead and join the party (social media). But think of it as just that – a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships, many which lead to business opportunities.  – David Meerman Scott

What if?

Please share your comments below.

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another.
      – James Matthew Barrie

Sunday evening, my wife Rita I returned to Tulsa from Oklahoma City.  We spent the weekend with our three married daughters and their families; time to celebrate our middle daughter’s birthday. With eight grandchildren (yes, 7 grandsons!) we always have an interesting time.

Traveling the Turner Turnpike our conversation turned to the past couple of days.  We shared highlights of the weekend as well as some of the challenges. Time with others deepens our connection.

The increased awareness brought my coaching mantra about “story” into the conversation; yes, “everyone has a story.” When it comes to life and the journey that’s got us here, whether family or business, it’s true:

Everyone has a story.

Every day we add to our story.

Today, you will influence someone’s story.

It is also accurate to say that what got me here, won’t get me there. “There” being better than “here”, no matter how good today’s success. “There” represents future success, greater achievement, becoming a stronger person … fulfilling my purpose in life to the best of my ability.

How do we achieve our next level of personal success?

This Next Level Journey is about two paths. Have you noticed how often two paths are usually available to us?  The proverbial “fork in the road”, a moment of decision…sometimes a matter of preference, but often a matter of choice – will we take the high road or not?

The path we choose determines how we write the story; Story is about both our journey and destiny.

Of course, Story has a past, with both historic and ordinary days.  Story is rich with instructive messages, guidance, illustrations, feedback, experience, success and failure; yes, even truth is to be discovered in the Story when we listen.

Our narratives intersect; the story develops and within it a guide to future success.

I find it helpful to think about my life as a story. We have two options as we listen to the story:

1. To listen deeply – the goal is to discover truth.  Truth means simply the “facts and realities” of my life, my relationships, my story.  When we are open minded the truth in our story will set us free, guiding our steps, leading us to even greater success in life.
2. To listen prudently – the goal is to expose deception. An ancient proverbs says, “The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, the folly of fools is deception.”  To be misled is to be deceived; truth is needed to get out of the dark. Whether self-deceived or deliberately mislead the affect is the same.

No doubt about it, there is resistance to our personal growth and development. The voices seek to destroy vision, dreams, confidence, even relationships through deception.  When deceived we live in bondage and are held back from future success, our full potential.

Reflecting on the truth, found in our Story, is vital to our freedom and future success.

Editing the Story

As you know, Story has three parts: the past, the present, and the future.  Tomorrow may be included, we just don’t know for sure. What we do know is that our story today is better when we listen and learn … pay attention to the past; then, we can write a better narrative today.

When we listen deeply and prudently to our story, truth is revealed and with truth comes freedom…freedom to choose the path we take.

The past will not be re-written, but it will help us edit today’s story; a well-written story today will help us get there tomorrow.

The Best Predictor of Future Success

is the ability and willingness to learn and change,

achieved through consistent reflection on

truth revealed in the Story.

No matter how much we love our children the fact remains: everyone has a story and every day we add to our story. We are responsible for listening, learning, leading out of our story. There is good news; we have the authority and power to edit our story for a brighter tomorrow.

How well are you listening and learning from your story?

Please share your comments below.

Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.

                                                                                               -Elliot Larson 

A foundation to executive coaching is to help my client listen to the truth found in the story.  Whether it is feedback, experience, success or failure, the truth (facts and realities of our stories) will help us get to the next level as leaders.

A recent coaching session not only illustrates this but is the subject of today’s post. 

With very little “small talk”, Mike* begins with the statement, “It’s been a rough week.” Immediately he proceeds to share three stories from his past week:

• A necessary employee release
• A difficult conversation with a service provider
• A disappointing experience with a potential strategic partner

As he details the narratives, one key word continues to surface in my mind: expectations. When he finishes the last account I ask, “How do expectations play in each of these stories?” 

When are expectations NOT present?

For coaching around expectations, oxygen is my analogy of choice.  

Think about it, how much attention do you give to your need for oxygen?  Unless you have a medical condition, not much, right?  Most of us take oxygen into our lungs without thinking about it…inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale … breathing. 

Much like our relationship with oxygen, is there ever a moment that we don’t have an expectation? Think through your day … do you expect the alarm to go off or the front desk to call?  Do you expect light with the flip of the switch? Do you expect a change in room temperature with the adjustment of the thermostat? Do you expect hot water when you turn the left water faucet? What do you expect when you put the key in your car’s ignition?

On and on all day long … we take oxygen, without thinking about it … expectations are continuous. 

What about those moments of unmet expectations?

The hot water tank mysteriously stops producing during the night…COLD shower!  What’s your response?  Running a few minutes behind schedule for a big appointment, every traffic light IS a red stop light? How do you respond?  

How about frustrated?   

Yes, feelings of disappointment or exasperation come when our plans are hindered or our desires go unmet … frustration is often the default setting.   

Frustrate comes from the Latin root, meaning to disappoint, Webster defines frustrate:

: to balk or defeat in an endeavor; b. to induce feelings of discouragement in; to make ineffectual; bring to nothing: impede, obstruct

Frustration is a fear-based emotion triggered when we feel threatened.  In the case of expectations frustration can be a response to real or perceived opposition to our goals, plans, or desires. What comes with fear? That’s right, an inclination to “fight or flee”. 

How are relationships affected? 

We just rehearsed some every day, unconscious expectations … hot water, lights on, car starting, a close parking space, and green lights all the way to the office.  Such expectations can go unmet and produce frustration. Mature self-awareness and self-control keeps the frustration in check. 

The greater challenge involves our expectations with self and others. What happens to a relationship when we believe someone is hindering our success or blocking fulfillment of a desire?  We can experience the same fear-based emotion of frustration. 

What happens when what we want from another person is not delivered?  What happens when we think another person is standing in opposition to our success?   

In such a moment the fear creates disharmony and it is a small step to conflict.  An unfulfilled expectation triggers the fear-based emotion of frustration opening the door to interpersonal conflict.

The Missing E’s of Expectation Harmony 

Notice the natural progression that leads to this interpersonal conflict do to expectations.  

• unEXPRESSED – How well did I communicate of the expectation?
• unEXAMINED – What resources are needed, is it doable?
• unFULFILLED – Why isn’t it happening?
• Interpersonal Conflict – Why am I so frustrated with …? 

Mike made the connection.  As we listened to each of the stories and reflected on the truth (facts) he did not clearly set expectations.  If he is frustrated, how might the other people be feeling? 

To reduce relationship conflict and achieve desired outcomes, expectations must be well expressed and examined in order to be executed.

Where are you frustrated and with who, self or others?  What expectation is NOT being met? 

What is your experience around expectations?  Please share your comments below.

Tom Peters, well-know business management thinker and author of In Search of Excellence writes…

“Management is about arranging and telling. Leadership is about nurturing and enhancing.”  (Emphasis added)

Last week I shared my communication mantra:

Ask MORE, Tell LESS…Teach when You Can

Calling on the Quill Pig I pointed out the negative emotional affect of telling in communication.  Telling usually shuts down dialog, discovery, and personal contribution. Effective leaders avoid this communication approach with their team.  Why?

Telling pushes people away.

The Human Connection  

Paul Meyer correctly identifies communication as “the human connection”. If you believe, as I do, that the business of business is people then making the human connection makes sense.

It is a key to personal and business success.

There is nothing quite like open-ended questions and the power of asking. Remember how…

• Asking encourages an exchange of ideas, discussion, dialogue
• Asking sends a message of value, respect, and honor
• Asking shows a level of trust and appreciation
• Asking flows from a place of freedom
• Asking indicates a released need to control

What’s your communication goal as a leader?

Whereas telling pushes people away, asking invites people to stay. The ability to have a positive influence is enhanced when others stay engaged in the conversation, the project, problem solving or decision making.

Of course there is a time to provide direction or to set expectations: teach when you can. 

Why don’t we ask more?

Effective communication involves exchanging information in order to accomplish something; so why push others away by telling?

If telling is a self-defeating behavior…why so much telling? 

Here are a couple of my thoughts, what do you think?

• Control – What happens when there is a desire to control (limit or restrict) who does what on a project?  What drives the need to be in control?  What is the outcome?  This driver limits the opportunity for others to contribute, to grow, to develop their skills.
• Fear – Anxiety can push us into telling; doesn’t that minimize the risk?  
• Defensiveness – Telling usually prevents communication.  As Abraham Maslow points out:

“Behavior in the human being is sometimes a defense, a way of concealing motives and thoughts, as language (telling?) can be a way of hiding your thoughts and preventing communication.”  (Emphasis added)       

• Pace – How does the speed of life make us think telling saves time?  
• Habit – Whether you think telling is poor communication or not it is often a regularly repeated behavior pattern.

Do you want the power?

Chief Justice of the United States, John Marshall writes, “To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.”

To summarize,

• Most of us prefer the respect and honor given when we are invited to use our voice…when asked to contribute 
• Talented, thinking, skilled people resist being told what to do
• Asking invites people to stay; telling pushes them away

To develop the skillful leadership habit of asking well-framed questions will take your influence to the next level. What do you want?

Ask More, Tell Less, Teach When You Can

• What role does trust play in open communication?  
• How might the fear play into being a teller? 

.

Mike* is an emerging leader and coaching client. One week, as he shared a story, I could see how his fear of confrontation and wrong thinking about asking questions limits his ability to effectively communicate… especially with his boss.

Tell Less…

Our conversation went something like this…

“Mike, how do you like being told what to do?  When you are given an assignment — you know what to do and how to proceed how does being told what to do affect you?”

“I don’t like it,” he replied.

“Why is that?”

“I like to be left alone to do my job; trust me and let me do it.”

I pressed on, “How does it make you feel when someone tells you what to do?”

After some hesitation he found his words, “I don’t like it and find myself resisting…I don’t feel trusted or respected.”

When was the last time you enjoyed being told what to do?

The “Quill Pig”

Let’s consider communication and the lovable porcupine.

Photo by Wildxplorer

National Geographic helps us understand this animal’s uniqueness…

The porcupine is the prickliest of rodents, though its Latin name means “quill pig.” There are about two dozen porcupine species, and all boast a coat of needle-like quills to give predators a sharp reminder that this animal is no easy meal. Some quills, like those of Africa’s crested porcupine, are nearly a foot (30 centimeters) long.

Porcupines have soft hair, but on their back, sides, and tail it is usually mixed with sharp quills. These quills typically lie flat until a porcupine is threatened, then leap to attention as a persuasive deterrent. Porcupines cannot shoot them at predators as once thought, but the quills do detach easily when touched.

Many animals come away from a porcupine encounter with quills protruding from their own snouts or bodies. Quills have sharp tips and overlapping scales or barbs that make them difficult to remove once they are stuck in another animal’s skin. Porcupines grow new quills to replace the ones they lose. (Emphasis added)

How many people want a pet porcupine that you know?  Who wants to connect with this rodent?

Notice these key words used to describe the “Quill Pig”. Here’s how I connect them to telling in communication:

• Prickly – An uncomfortable, irritating, defensive exchange
• Sharp reminder – What do tellers want others to think or  remember? 
• Threatened – Why the intensity, what drives the need to tell?
• Persuasive deterrent – What limit does a “telling” style of communication impose?
• Detach easily – Why is it so easy to tell?
• Difficult to remove – “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words cannot harm me.”  Really?

Who wants to be known as a “Quill Pig”? 

At a relationship level telling often shuts dialog down; talented people do not appreciate being told.

Telling pushes people away. 

Imagine a ball carrier in football; his goal is the end zone.  As he runs toward defenders their goal is to tackle him. With an outstretched arm the ball carrier pushes his hand onto his would-be tackler to take him out of the action. The “stiff arm” is designed to push the other player out of the way. 

Just another illustration of how telling hinders communication.

So, what’s the solution?

Ask More…

Having established the imagery of “telling” we move to the alternative.

“Mike, when someone you respect asks for your input, your opinion, your thoughts on a topic, how do you feel?”

“Oh, it’s great. I feel honored, respected; appreciated, valued, trusted…it’s totally different.”

Yes, it is “totally different”. As we ask open-ended questions we invite participation.

• Asking encourages an exchange of ideas, discussion, dialogue
• Asking sends a message of value, respect, and honor
• Asking shows a level of trust and appreciation
• Asking flows from a place of freedom
• Asking indicates a released need to control

Whereas telling “pushes people away” — asking “invites them to stay”.

The mantra takes shape:  Ask MORE, Tell LESS…

Teach When You Can

Of course there is a time to impart knowledge to someone, to provide direction, to advocate a certain way or even the way something must be done. Go for it. Be a great teacher.

May I ask, what’s your inclination?

Here’s the mantra…what do you think?

Ask MORE, Tell LESS…Teach when You Can

Mike discovered asking questions does not have to be confrontational; in fact it actually shows honor, respect, and appreciation…even for the boss. And asking questions is a great way to bring value to the relationship.

*Mike is not his real name.

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/21932201@N04/2307150982

.

The conversation around “work-life balance” is very interesting.

According to Wikipedia “work-life balance” was first used as an expression

…in the late 1970s to describe the balance between an individuals work and personal life. In the United States, this phrase was first used in 1986.

Over the past twenty-five years, there has been a substantial increase in work which is felt to be due, in part, by information technology and by an intense, competitive work environment. Long-term loyalty and a “sense of corporate community” have been eroded by a performance culture that expects more and more from their employees yet offers little security in return.

One can say that Work–life balance is the proper prioritizing between “work” (career and ambition) on one hand and “life” (pleasure, leisure, family and spiritual development) on the other.

This is an introductory post. My intent is to offer a different model as we think about how we “do life”. (Perhaps you’ll help me with your comments?)

How well does life compartmentalization work…really?

One of my clients is a decade into a successful career, has C-level responsibilities and a beautiful family. His company sees even greater leadership potential and that’s why I’m coaching him.

Mike’s* technical skills are superior; his development opportunity resides in what I call “core leadership skills” i.e. people skills.

One of my coaching exercise helps leaders evaluate their Support System. To navigate life’s transitions and transformation we all must have the help and encouragement of others.  As Mike completed the reflective exercise he began to wrestle with this concept of “balance”.

What does balance have to do with life?

As I listened and asked questions, he sketched something like this in his journal:

How realistic is this as a model for life? 

How does a cross beam, supported in the center with two pans of equal weight suspended on each end realistically represent life? ”Work-life balance”?

Think about it; what does it take to obtain “stability” with this instrument? Right, an even distribution of weight…yes, balance. However, I find life more complex than what two pans, suspended on a balance beam can represent?

When is work not a part of life and life not a part of work?

A different word came to my mind as I listened to Mike’s story.

Allow me introduce this other concept with an entertaining 2 minute video.

Please listen and observe COMMITTED as they perform Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” on NBC’s “The Sing-Off”.

What did you hear and see?

Here’s what I hear: harmony.

According to www.i.word.com/dictionary harmony is defined as

:the combination of simultaneous musical notes in a chord

:pleasing or congruent arrangement of parts

Whether this music style appeals to you or not, did you hear the harmony?

There is a combination of six simultaneous voices in a pleasing arrangement. Harmony. Wow!

And, here’s what I see: harmony.

You may want to watch the video again. Did you notice how the melody flowed from person to person in a congruent arrangement?

The harmony came out of an agreed arrangement of the parts.

The agreed arrangement of the parts created beautiful, awesome, powerful music.

What does “Life Harmony” sound like…look like?

This is where it gets even more exciting!

Harmony is defined by www.i.word.com/dictionary

:an interweaving of different accounts into a single narrative

Seriously, how do you divide life into two parts…work life / personal life?

How about “Life Harmony”?

Life Harmony is blending the four parts of the story: self, family, community, and work.

Think about it, The Journey begins when we show up as an individual; the new member of a family; finding our place in community; where we learn to make our contribution to society through meaningful work. That’s the story.

Every day life is the challenge to bring harmony to the story. To interweave all the different parts into a single, pleasing, congruent narrative.

The Story is the Story.

One of my favorite coaching principles is around ”the Story”, summed up as:

Everyone has a Story

Every day we add to our Story

Today, you will have influence on someone’s Story

Life Harmony is the interweaving of different accounts into a single narrative.

If you have 2 minutes, listen to COMMITTED sing “Let’s Stay Together” again?

Imagine your life lived with such harmony and free flow between the many parts.

How many parts are in your narrative?

We have many roles in life.

Just to illustrate: I’m a man, a son, and brother; husband, dad, and grandpa; an executive coach, business owner, speaker, equipper, and author; friend, neighbor, resident of Tulsa, and follower of Jesus Christ…you get the point.

How many roles do you have in life?

My intent is to offer a different model as we think about how we “do life”; something other than “Work-Life Balance”. What if we think in terms of Life Harmony?

What if we make music?

Let’s interweave person hood, family life, community, and work into a single narrative? We could call it “The Story”.  What would the story sound like?

What do you think? Please enter the conversation with your comment below.

Who can you forward this exploration to?

*Not his real name

Last week’s article started this conversation which is really about

Photo by Wyscan

 managing our lives and constant change. 

This story about being “always connected” continues and will continue as we seek to find and maintain balance, effectiveness, and ourselves. 

Last week’s post led me to re-connect with an “old friend”; yes, of course by e-mail, at first, but in the fight for a more personal connection we agreed to schedule an ancient experience – voice to voice. Here is part of what my friend, Allison wrote…

Hi Steve,

Today was my daughter’s first day of kindergarten. My alarm (on my iPhone) went off at 6 A.M. I was tired and didn’t want to get up, hit the snooze and checked my email. I then proceeded to scan approximately a dozen emails that came in my inbox since 10:00 P.M. last night when I checked it last.  I then began reading your article on over-connectedness and started laughing to myself at the irony of reading this while lying in bed!

Now I’m thinking through your question: “What fear drives this need to be connected 24/7?”

Is it my fear of “not being connected“?

Or, to look at it another way, in my mind about one in seven emails will bring a reward of sorts.

Checking your inbox brings you a sense of being connected when you receive a note from a close friend or an email from an old acquaintance you haven’t heard from in a long time. It’s always fun to open your email and get a good referral or business lead isn’t it? Better yet, it’s exciting to get that email that confirms that the business deal you’ve been working on for several months is a done deal!

Maybe I’m just looking for a “good feeling” or affirmation.

Our family just returned from a week’s vacation in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. We didn’t take computers but Bob and I both brought our iPhones. We kept our “smart phone connecting” to a minimum, I think?

I appreciate Allison’s thoughts regarding what can drive this drive to be constantly connected: 1) Reward and 2) Affirmation.  What are you looking for?

Dr Pepper e-Mail Management Plan

After reading my post last week I set out to examine and adjust my compulsive commitment to “over-connectedness”.  Here are my first steps:

Step 1: I turned off 2 of the 4 email accounts coming to my iPhone

Step 2: Explored my “Dr Pepper E-mail Management Plan”.  If you’re not familiar with Dr Pepper’s marketing strategy here is the article Roger Grace wrote in the Metropolitan News-Enterprise, a Los Angles daily paper about Dr Pepper…  

It was in the 1920s that Dr. Walter Eddy at Columbia University studied the body’s metabolism. He discovered that a natural drop in energy occurs about 10:30 a.m., 2:30 p.m. and 4:30 p.m.  But he also discovered that if the people in his research study had something to eat or drink at 10, 2 and 4, the energy slump could be avoided.

After Dr. Eddy’s research findings were released, Dr Pepper challenged its advertising agency to come up with a theme which would suggest that Dr Pepper should be that 10, 2 and 4 drink which would keep the energy level up. The result was one of the most enduring of Dr Pepper’s advertising themes: Drink a bite to eat at 10, 2 and 4.

The Dr. Pepper Company pushed the notion that ingestion of sugar at 10, 2 and 4 was actually something healthful. And, of course, parents would want their children to engage in healthful practices. 

In these days when there’s a push to rid school cafeterias and vending machines of sugar-based products and those high in carbohydrates (which turn into sugar), it’s hard to imagine an ad like the one  appearing in the Sept. 23, 1930 edition of the Port Arthur (Texas) News. It was headed, “One Healthful form of Necessary Nourishment that kids need no coaxing to drink,” and said:

“Little ‘Human dynamos’ run out of ‘juice’ between meals. That’s why they tease for sweets. Sugar is the quickest energy food and Mother Nature knows it. She prompts the appetite. It’s as natural as hunger can be.”

If your kiddies crave sugar, give them as much as they want…but in a form that can’t be abused. Dr. Pepper contains fruit juice for flavor and health…pure sugar for quick-energy supply…and sparkling water for bulk and thirst. No tax on digestion. No ingredients that can possibly harm. The small proportions of sugar to water is a safety-valve against excess.”

How would this “craving” for email be satisfied with 10/2/ 4? Right, not so well; so I thought about adapting it to 8/10/12/2/4/6/8…of course, that left out first thing in the morning and last thing at night!  Seriously? 

“Craving”, what an interesting word to associate with this subject…a strong desire for something.  What do you crave that email seems to supply? Imagine losing your “smart phone”, how would you respond?  Why?

Yes, I’m still working to define an adequate schedule for checking email.

Step 3: I turned off the “you’ve got mail” alert (on my iPhone)

Yes, I recognize these are but a beginning.

The real question: How much space do you have in your life?

As an executive coach I work with people with a lot on their plate. Intensity shows up. Little or no margin in the schedule; not much time left for personal development.

We talk about “Creating Space”; the disciplined use of time, place, and resources to reflect on the story for truth. 

How do you create space in your daily routine?

Reflection allows you to examine your life, your thinking, your performance.  To give careful thought to your behavior and performance.  Creating space allows you to examine the path you are taking and make adjustments in line with your purpose, passion, and values.

Measure your life, it just does not have room for so much.                                                                                                - Seneca

What would be the benefit to you if you create space in your life?

What happens if we fail to create space?

This “Creating Space” for consistent reflection is the secret to personal growth.

The best predictor of sustainable success is the ability and willingness to learn and change achieved through consistent reflection on the story for truth.

-Steve Laswell

A failure to create space leaves us stuck in life.  Performance suffers, next level success is sacrificed.  Your experience of life lived with purpose and passion while making a difference in the world will be limited.  Your health, mental, emotional, and spiritual well being, your relationships will suffer unless you give yourself this gift of consistent reflection.

Allison closed her email by writing…

I don’t think I’ve really said anything here significant. I’m pondering all of this because I find this phenomenon extremely interesting, as if we’re witnessing something that has never happened before in our lifetime.

Does this sound dramatic? Maybe so, but I see it stealing away our relationships to some degree. It’s the great paradox. Everyone thinks they are “more connected” with computers and smart phones. Texting and Facebook keep us all in touch with more people. Could more be less? Less faces, more aloneness.

Now I will stop. I’m beginning to sound like Steve Laswell.

How are you managing your technological connections? 

What do you think?

For further reading: some other interesting articles if you want dig deeper:

• Wall Street Journal book review of Hamlet’s BlackBerry -“To Tweet or Not to Tweet”
• Scientists are studying this; check out The New York Times, Your Brain and Computers: “Outdoors and Out of Reach, Studying the Brain”   

It was a primitive trip with a sophisticated goal: to understand how heavy use of digital devices and other technology changes how we think and behave, and how a retreat into nature might reverse those effects.

• Regarding multitasking ““First Steps to Digital Detox” posted on The New York Times – Room for Debate blog

New research is showing that such immersion can cause multitaskers to have more fractured thinking and trouble shutting out irrelevant information, and that even when they are offline, those problems persist. A lot of Americans feel stress from juggling too much incoming information, but have to be online for work.

What are some strategies for unplugging from the demand of digital devices? Is there such a thing as too much multitasking?

Again, please comment below; I’d love to hear from you.