Whether something brings them joy or pain, when people share and engage in communities, they form bonds and relationships with others who acknowledge their situation.  – Liana Evans, from post on Search Engine Watch  

Last week I shared the story behind co-hosting the #leadfromwithin Tweet Chat with Lolly Daskal and the role of social media.

The theme of our #leadfromwithin Tweet Chat is Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead.  If you have not participated in this social media platform I encourage you to explore.

Recent co-hosts of #leadfromwithin include Jesse Lyn Stoner, co-author with Ken Blanchard the book Full Steam Ahead her topic was Connecting through Community.

The following week after me Bret L. Simmons - faculty of the College of Business at the University of Nevada, Reno – co-hosted the Tweet Chat on Dare to Trust.

How does the #leadfromwithin chat room work? Ten questions are tweeted during the hour; the community tweets and interacts. Lolly provides a full transcript (go here for Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead.) for review. 

Here are some of the Tweets others shared on my topic …

 Q1: What is the power of “story”?

@scedmonds: Story is the weaving of our past with our potential future.

@emeliasam: Stories are formats that are universally understood…that is power.

@KamKansas: You can’t hate someone once you know their story.

@drbret: Stories are intimate, personal. Good stories connect on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level.

@Steve_Sass: Story provides examples of past experience to inspire future success.

@EdwardColozzi: Story is the way we humans strive to express, teach, learn, honor, and remember each other.

@juanortiztweets: Stories allow us to examine what we do with what has been done, and learn from the good and bad on both sides.

@CareerSpan: The narrator is the main character experiencing every emotion and thought.

@KateNasser: The power of story – it ignites more thoughts than the information delivered.

@gracinginginity: If you listen you may discover someone else’s nugget of gold.

@JesseLynStoner: Stories are how the ancient bards transmitted our culture.

@grit08: It lives and breathes your truth.

@LollyDaskal: Wherever I go, I find that my story has been there before me.

@StrategicMonk: Story is narrative; it is how we understand how our experiences fit together and shape who we have become up to now.

@OlliesLounge: Stories engage you, show you a new world.

@ThinDifference: Story is what people will say about you after the dust settles.

@John_Paul: Story has the power to capture our imagination and take us on adventures into new domains.

@LynnFishman: Stories speak to the dreamer in all of us.

@scedmonds: Stories connect the HEART with the HEAD and can inspire marvelous success.

@Josepf: Stories can also be FALSE, and when we tell them others can listen and help guide/point-out to then allow for renewal.

@Natasha_D_G: Story is powerful as it connects the dots transforming specks into a valuable picture.

@KateNasser: Stories used in teaching allow students to discover the truth vs. hear the truth.

@TerriKlass: Stories help us to define ourselves and understand where we need to go.

@emmakuhlpitts: People love hearing stories because it makes it personal.

@Versalytics: Stories provide a means to connect and paint pictures.

@JFeskorn: Our Story: where we’ve been, who we are becoming, and who we want to be.

@KamKansas: We are hard-wired for stories. We don’t put our kids to bed with PowerPoints of the Three Little Pigs.

@Cybuhr: A book must be open for the story to be read. We must be open to share our story.

@LollyDaskal: Tell your story, change the world.

@growinggold: Just off the phone w/my mother…today’s been an emotional day…hoping #leadfromwithin lifts my spirits; reminds me why I am here!

@soniafarace: Stories give us inspiration to move forward and believe that he impossible IS POSSIBLE

@scedmonds: The most inspired speakers connect us with ideas through stories. They make sense and provide meaning. 

To read the tweets for the other nine questions go here for the transcript.

Q2: What happens when we pay attention to our story?

Q3: What are the benefits of embracing our story?

Q4: Why do we resist our story?

Q5: How does listening to our story accelerate personal growth?

Q6: How does story guide our future?

Q7: How do we use story telling in leadership?

Q8: How do we engage story to develop leaders?

Q9: What happens when you know someone’s story?

Q10: What have you learned from your own story?

How would you answer these questions? Which answers resonate with you? 

When will you slip in the Tweet Chat room? 

I hope you enjoy this story behind a Tweet Chat – Your Story: Listen. Learn. Lead. For more background you can read my post here.

Part of this story, for me, is the potential of social media.

• A connection is made through LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, etc.
• Then deepened…cultivated using the phone or in person

Lolly, please accept my gratitude for our new connection. Yes, for the privilege of being a part of your #leadfromwithin community of reflective, caring people.  

Come by any Tuesday, 8:00 pm Eastern; www.tweetchat.com enter #leadfromwithin or visit Lolly Daskal.   

Guess what? You may find a party…a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships. 

So go ahead and join the party (social media). But think of it as just that – a fun place where you give more than you get. But what you get in return are lasting friendships, many which lead to business opportunities.  – David Meerman Scott

What if?

Please share your comments below.

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another.
      – James Matthew Barrie

Sunday evening, my wife Rita I returned to Tulsa from Oklahoma City.  We spent the weekend with our three married daughters and their families; time to celebrate our middle daughter’s birthday. With eight grandchildren (yes, 7 grandsons!) we always have an interesting time.

Traveling the Turner Turnpike our conversation turned to the past couple of days.  We shared highlights of the weekend as well as some of the challenges. Time with others deepens our connection.

The increased awareness brought my coaching mantra about “story” into the conversation; yes, “everyone has a story.” When it comes to life and the journey that’s got us here, whether family or business, it’s true:

Everyone has a story.

Every day we add to our story.

Today, you will influence someone’s story.

It is also accurate to say that what got me here, won’t get me there. “There” being better than “here”, no matter how good today’s success. “There” represents future success, greater achievement, becoming a stronger person … fulfilling my purpose in life to the best of my ability.

How do we achieve our next level of personal success?

This Next Level Journey is about two paths. Have you noticed how often two paths are usually available to us?  The proverbial “fork in the road”, a moment of decision…sometimes a matter of preference, but often a matter of choice – will we take the high road or not?

The path we choose determines how we write the story; Story is about both our journey and destiny.

Of course, Story has a past, with both historic and ordinary days.  Story is rich with instructive messages, guidance, illustrations, feedback, experience, success and failure; yes, even truth is to be discovered in the Story when we listen.

Our narratives intersect; the story develops and within it a guide to future success.

I find it helpful to think about my life as a story. We have two options as we listen to the story:

1. To listen deeply – the goal is to discover truth.  Truth means simply the “facts and realities” of my life, my relationships, my story.  When we are open minded the truth in our story will set us free, guiding our steps, leading us to even greater success in life.
2. To listen prudently – the goal is to expose deception. An ancient proverbs says, “The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, the folly of fools is deception.”  To be misled is to be deceived; truth is needed to get out of the dark. Whether self-deceived or deliberately mislead the affect is the same.

No doubt about it, there is resistance to our personal growth and development. The voices seek to destroy vision, dreams, confidence, even relationships through deception.  When deceived we live in bondage and are held back from future success, our full potential.

Reflecting on the truth, found in our Story, is vital to our freedom and future success.

Editing the Story

As you know, Story has three parts: the past, the present, and the future.  Tomorrow may be included, we just don’t know for sure. What we do know is that our story today is better when we listen and learn … pay attention to the past; then, we can write a better narrative today.

When we listen deeply and prudently to our story, truth is revealed and with truth comes freedom…freedom to choose the path we take.

The past will not be re-written, but it will help us edit today’s story; a well-written story today will help us get there tomorrow.

The Best Predictor of Future Success

is the ability and willingness to learn and change,

achieved through consistent reflection on

truth revealed in the Story.

No matter how much we love our children the fact remains: everyone has a story and every day we add to our story. We are responsible for listening, learning, leading out of our story. There is good news; we have the authority and power to edit our story for a brighter tomorrow.

How well are you listening and learning from your story?

Please share your comments below.

Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.

                                                                                               -Elliot Larson 

A foundation to executive coaching is to help my client listen to the truth found in the story.  Whether it is feedback, experience, success or failure, the truth (facts and realities of our stories) will help us get to the next level as leaders.

A recent coaching session not only illustrates this but is the subject of today’s post. 

With very little “small talk”, Mike* begins with the statement, “It’s been a rough week.” Immediately he proceeds to share three stories from his past week:

• A necessary employee release
• A difficult conversation with a service provider
• A disappointing experience with a potential strategic partner

As he details the narratives, one key word continues to surface in my mind: expectations. When he finishes the last account I ask, “How do expectations play in each of these stories?” 

When are expectations NOT present?

For coaching around expectations, oxygen is my analogy of choice.  

Think about it, how much attention do you give to your need for oxygen?  Unless you have a medical condition, not much, right?  Most of us take oxygen into our lungs without thinking about it…inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale … breathing. 

Much like our relationship with oxygen, is there ever a moment that we don’t have an expectation? Think through your day … do you expect the alarm to go off or the front desk to call?  Do you expect light with the flip of the switch? Do you expect a change in room temperature with the adjustment of the thermostat? Do you expect hot water when you turn the left water faucet? What do you expect when you put the key in your car’s ignition?

On and on all day long … we take oxygen, without thinking about it … expectations are continuous. 

What about those moments of unmet expectations?

The hot water tank mysteriously stops producing during the night…COLD shower!  What’s your response?  Running a few minutes behind schedule for a big appointment, every traffic light IS a red stop light? How do you respond?  

How about frustrated?   

Yes, feelings of disappointment or exasperation come when our plans are hindered or our desires go unmet … frustration is often the default setting.   

Frustrate comes from the Latin root, meaning to disappoint, Webster defines frustrate:

: to balk or defeat in an endeavor; b. to induce feelings of discouragement in; to make ineffectual; bring to nothing: impede, obstruct

Frustration is a fear-based emotion triggered when we feel threatened.  In the case of expectations frustration can be a response to real or perceived opposition to our goals, plans, or desires. What comes with fear? That’s right, an inclination to “fight or flee”. 

How are relationships affected? 

We just rehearsed some every day, unconscious expectations … hot water, lights on, car starting, a close parking space, and green lights all the way to the office.  Such expectations can go unmet and produce frustration. Mature self-awareness and self-control keeps the frustration in check. 

The greater challenge involves our expectations with self and others. What happens to a relationship when we believe someone is hindering our success or blocking fulfillment of a desire?  We can experience the same fear-based emotion of frustration. 

What happens when what we want from another person is not delivered?  What happens when we think another person is standing in opposition to our success?   

In such a moment the fear creates disharmony and it is a small step to conflict.  An unfulfilled expectation triggers the fear-based emotion of frustration opening the door to interpersonal conflict.

The Missing E’s of Expectation Harmony 

Notice the natural progression that leads to this interpersonal conflict do to expectations.  

• unEXPRESSED – How well did I communicate of the expectation?
• unEXAMINED – What resources are needed, is it doable?
• unFULFILLED – Why isn’t it happening?
• Interpersonal Conflict – Why am I so frustrated with …? 

Mike made the connection.  As we listened to each of the stories and reflected on the truth (facts) he did not clearly set expectations.  If he is frustrated, how might the other people be feeling? 

To reduce relationship conflict and achieve desired outcomes, expectations must be well expressed and examined in order to be executed.

Where are you frustrated and with who, self or others?  What expectation is NOT being met? 

What is your experience around expectations?  Please share your comments below.

Tom Peters, well-know business management thinker and author of In Search of Excellence writes…

“Management is about arranging and telling. Leadership is about nurturing and enhancing.”  (Emphasis added)

Last week I shared my communication mantra:

Ask MORE, Tell LESS…Teach when You Can

Calling on the Quill Pig I pointed out the negative emotional affect of telling in communication.  Telling usually shuts down dialog, discovery, and personal contribution. Effective leaders avoid this communication approach with their team.  Why?

Telling pushes people away.

The Human Connection  

Paul Meyer correctly identifies communication as “the human connection”. If you believe, as I do, that the business of business is people then making the human connection makes sense.

It is a key to personal and business success.

There is nothing quite like open-ended questions and the power of asking. Remember how…

• Asking encourages an exchange of ideas, discussion, dialogue
• Asking sends a message of value, respect, and honor
• Asking shows a level of trust and appreciation
• Asking flows from a place of freedom
• Asking indicates a released need to control

What’s your communication goal as a leader?

Whereas telling pushes people away, asking invites people to stay. The ability to have a positive influence is enhanced when others stay engaged in the conversation, the project, problem solving or decision making.

Of course there is a time to provide direction or to set expectations: teach when you can. 

Why don’t we ask more?

Effective communication involves exchanging information in order to accomplish something; so why push others away by telling?

If telling is a self-defeating behavior…why so much telling? 

Here are a couple of my thoughts, what do you think?

• Control – What happens when there is a desire to control (limit or restrict) who does what on a project?  What drives the need to be in control?  What is the outcome?  This driver limits the opportunity for others to contribute, to grow, to develop their skills.
• Fear – Anxiety can push us into telling; doesn’t that minimize the risk?  
• Defensiveness – Telling usually prevents communication.  As Abraham Maslow points out:

“Behavior in the human being is sometimes a defense, a way of concealing motives and thoughts, as language (telling?) can be a way of hiding your thoughts and preventing communication.”  (Emphasis added)       

• Pace – How does the speed of life make us think telling saves time?  
• Habit – Whether you think telling is poor communication or not it is often a regularly repeated behavior pattern.

Do you want the power?

Chief Justice of the United States, John Marshall writes, “To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.”

To summarize,

• Most of us prefer the respect and honor given when we are invited to use our voice…when asked to contribute 
• Talented, thinking, skilled people resist being told what to do
• Asking invites people to stay; telling pushes them away

To develop the skillful leadership habit of asking well-framed questions will take your influence to the next level. What do you want?

Ask More, Tell Less, Teach When You Can

• What role does trust play in open communication?  
• How might the fear play into being a teller? 

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Mike* is an emerging leader and coaching client. One week, as he shared a story, I could see how his fear of confrontation and wrong thinking about asking questions limits his ability to effectively communicate… especially with his boss.

Tell Less…

Our conversation went something like this…

“Mike, how do you like being told what to do?  When you are given an assignment — you know what to do and how to proceed how does being told what to do affect you?”

“I don’t like it,” he replied.

“Why is that?”

“I like to be left alone to do my job; trust me and let me do it.”

I pressed on, “How does it make you feel when someone tells you what to do?”

After some hesitation he found his words, “I don’t like it and find myself resisting…I don’t feel trusted or respected.”

When was the last time you enjoyed being told what to do?

The “Quill Pig”

Let’s consider communication and the lovable porcupine.

Photo by Wildxplorer

National Geographic helps us understand this animal’s uniqueness…

The porcupine is the prickliest of rodents, though its Latin name means “quill pig.” There are about two dozen porcupine species, and all boast a coat of needle-like quills to give predators a sharp reminder that this animal is no easy meal. Some quills, like those of Africa’s crested porcupine, are nearly a foot (30 centimeters) long.

Porcupines have soft hair, but on their back, sides, and tail it is usually mixed with sharp quills. These quills typically lie flat until a porcupine is threatened, then leap to attention as a persuasive deterrent. Porcupines cannot shoot them at predators as once thought, but the quills do detach easily when touched.

Many animals come away from a porcupine encounter with quills protruding from their own snouts or bodies. Quills have sharp tips and overlapping scales or barbs that make them difficult to remove once they are stuck in another animal’s skin. Porcupines grow new quills to replace the ones they lose. (Emphasis added)

How many people want a pet porcupine that you know?  Who wants to connect with this rodent?

Notice these key words used to describe the “Quill Pig”. Here’s how I connect them to telling in communication:

• Prickly – An uncomfortable, irritating, defensive exchange
• Sharp reminder – What do tellers want others to think or  remember? 
• Threatened – Why the intensity, what drives the need to tell?
• Persuasive deterrent – What limit does a “telling” style of communication impose?
• Detach easily – Why is it so easy to tell?
• Difficult to remove – “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words cannot harm me.”  Really?

Who wants to be known as a “Quill Pig”? 

At a relationship level telling often shuts dialog down; talented people do not appreciate being told.

Telling pushes people away. 

Imagine a ball carrier in football; his goal is the end zone.  As he runs toward defenders their goal is to tackle him. With an outstretched arm the ball carrier pushes his hand onto his would-be tackler to take him out of the action. The “stiff arm” is designed to push the other player out of the way. 

Just another illustration of how telling hinders communication.

So, what’s the solution?

Ask More…

Having established the imagery of “telling” we move to the alternative.

“Mike, when someone you respect asks for your input, your opinion, your thoughts on a topic, how do you feel?”

“Oh, it’s great. I feel honored, respected; appreciated, valued, trusted…it’s totally different.”

Yes, it is “totally different”. As we ask open-ended questions we invite participation.

• Asking encourages an exchange of ideas, discussion, dialogue
• Asking sends a message of value, respect, and honor
• Asking shows a level of trust and appreciation
• Asking flows from a place of freedom
• Asking indicates a released need to control

Whereas telling “pushes people away” — asking “invites them to stay”.

The mantra takes shape:  Ask MORE, Tell LESS…

Teach When You Can

Of course there is a time to impart knowledge to someone, to provide direction, to advocate a certain way or even the way something must be done. Go for it. Be a great teacher.

May I ask, what’s your inclination?

Here’s the mantra…what do you think?

Ask MORE, Tell LESS…Teach when You Can

Mike discovered asking questions does not have to be confrontational; in fact it actually shows honor, respect, and appreciation…even for the boss. And asking questions is a great way to bring value to the relationship.

*Mike is not his real name.

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/21932201@N04/2307150982

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