You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.    -Jim Rohn

The role of Story in individual growth and leadership development is fascinating, powerful, and foundational to personal success. The invitation of Story is to listen, learn, and lead; the reward is accelerated growth.

Not only are we given the authority and power to edit our Story, it is in fact, our responsibility.

Last week, my journey highlighted the connection between personal responsibility and success. For some time, I’ve been working on my soon-to-be-published book – THE PEOPLE PROJECT: Your Guide to Personal Development and Growing Your Influence.

My copy editor, LeAnn, has the manuscript 99% complete; Jim Stovall wrote a great Foreword and cover designs are ready to choose from.

What happened Wednesday? The resistance; you know, opposition.

Finally, in a note to LeAnn I owned it, “I’m stuck.”  I listed the things paralyzing my progress. Desperation exceeded my fear of making a wrong decision and something wonderful happened; I took responsibility AND action.

Giving thought to “What’s next?” combined with the act of writing it down freed me to take action; the strangle hold of fear was broken. 

Giving thought to “What if?” allowed me to see the silliness of my procrastination which is driven by a lingering perfectionism (yes, I’m a recovering perfectionist). The reality (truth) exposed my deceptive thinking and set me free.  Within 30 minutes I pulled together what LeAnn needed to finish her part of the back cover and sent it off to California.  Up and at ‘em, Atom Ant!

Now, my book is 95% complete.

Have you experienced how the suffocating effect of the resistance?  Listening to the story helped me hear the truth (facts/reality).  To illustrate…two simple bit so truth from my story were:

• Reality Check #1: Cover Design…most likely any of the designs will work. 
• Reality Check #2: How I secure my book’s ISDN number really doesn’t matter that much; just do it!

Listening to Story for truth allowed me to “learn”; freedom came and I stepped up to lead the project; to edit the story. The action moved me toward successful completion of my goal: publish my book.  

Simple, Just Not Easy, Accepting Responsibility

There’s no “secret” here, but maybe this will help you or someone you know experience personal success by accepting responsibility. Think of a traffic light: yellow, red, green.

1.  SLOW DOWN (yellow light) pay attention to the indicators, all rooted in self-deception.

Blaming – Yes, attributing responsibility to someone else

Complaining – Unproductive expressions of unhappiness with a situation

Excuse-making – Creating an invalid reason to avoid something

Victim-mentality – Hiding as helpless in this situation

 Once we notice these warning signals, what then?    

2.  STOP (red light) as you catch yourself thinking or saying words that are blaming, complaining, excuse-making, or victim-am-I oriented, stop.

               Stop and breathe. Yes, the amazing grace gift of a cleansing breath

                Think, ask questions such as

                                What really happened?

                                Who am I blaming for this situation? Why?

                                Why am I complaining…really?

                                How am I making an excuse for my role in this…?

                                What effect is “feeling helpless” having on me right now?

                Open up to other viewpoints; How can I edit the Story?

                Probe for the truth in the Story: What did I expect? 

To stay at the intersection of life’s journey now it’s time to GO. 

3.  GO (green light) own your story.               

                Edit your response and change the outcome

                Accept responsibility and use your authority to act

                Focus on the desired outcome and focus on others in the story

                Create your preferred future 

When we accept responsibility, creation can happen. When we edit our Story we create stronger relationships and responses which will lead to future success.

Everyone has a story.

Every day we add to our story.

Today, you will influence someone’s story.

Our narratives intersect, the story develops; accepting responsibility, we write the Story.

Where do you need to accept responsibility?

What if?

Please share your comments below.

Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.

                                                                                               -Elliot Larson 

A foundation to executive coaching is to help my client listen to the truth found in the story.  Whether it is feedback, experience, success or failure, the truth (facts and realities of our stories) will help us get to the next level as leaders.

A recent coaching session not only illustrates this but is the subject of today’s post. 

With very little “small talk”, Mike* begins with the statement, “It’s been a rough week.” Immediately he proceeds to share three stories from his past week:

• A necessary employee release
• A difficult conversation with a service provider
• A disappointing experience with a potential strategic partner

As he details the narratives, one key word continues to surface in my mind: expectations. When he finishes the last account I ask, “How do expectations play in each of these stories?” 

When are expectations NOT present?

For coaching around expectations, oxygen is my analogy of choice.  

Think about it, how much attention do you give to your need for oxygen?  Unless you have a medical condition, not much, right?  Most of us take oxygen into our lungs without thinking about it…inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale … breathing. 

Much like our relationship with oxygen, is there ever a moment that we don’t have an expectation? Think through your day … do you expect the alarm to go off or the front desk to call?  Do you expect light with the flip of the switch? Do you expect a change in room temperature with the adjustment of the thermostat? Do you expect hot water when you turn the left water faucet? What do you expect when you put the key in your car’s ignition?

On and on all day long … we take oxygen, without thinking about it … expectations are continuous. 

What about those moments of unmet expectations?

The hot water tank mysteriously stops producing during the night…COLD shower!  What’s your response?  Running a few minutes behind schedule for a big appointment, every traffic light IS a red stop light? How do you respond?  

How about frustrated?   

Yes, feelings of disappointment or exasperation come when our plans are hindered or our desires go unmet … frustration is often the default setting.   

Frustrate comes from the Latin root, meaning to disappoint, Webster defines frustrate:

: to balk or defeat in an endeavor; b. to induce feelings of discouragement in; to make ineffectual; bring to nothing: impede, obstruct

Frustration is a fear-based emotion triggered when we feel threatened.  In the case of expectations frustration can be a response to real or perceived opposition to our goals, plans, or desires. What comes with fear? That’s right, an inclination to “fight or flee”. 

How are relationships affected? 

We just rehearsed some every day, unconscious expectations … hot water, lights on, car starting, a close parking space, and green lights all the way to the office.  Such expectations can go unmet and produce frustration. Mature self-awareness and self-control keeps the frustration in check. 

The greater challenge involves our expectations with self and others. What happens to a relationship when we believe someone is hindering our success or blocking fulfillment of a desire?  We can experience the same fear-based emotion of frustration. 

What happens when what we want from another person is not delivered?  What happens when we think another person is standing in opposition to our success?   

In such a moment the fear creates disharmony and it is a small step to conflict.  An unfulfilled expectation triggers the fear-based emotion of frustration opening the door to interpersonal conflict.

The Missing E’s of Expectation Harmony 

Notice the natural progression that leads to this interpersonal conflict do to expectations.  

• unEXPRESSED – How well did I communicate of the expectation?
• unEXAMINED – What resources are needed, is it doable?
• unFULFILLED – Why isn’t it happening?
• Interpersonal Conflict – Why am I so frustrated with …? 

Mike made the connection.  As we listened to each of the stories and reflected on the truth (facts) he did not clearly set expectations.  If he is frustrated, how might the other people be feeling? 

To reduce relationship conflict and achieve desired outcomes, expectations must be well expressed and examined in order to be executed.

Where are you frustrated and with who, self or others?  What expectation is NOT being met? 

What is your experience around expectations?  Please share your comments below.

For disappearing acts, it’s hard to beat what happens to the

eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.

                                                                                                 – Doug Larson

We began to explore the reality check of time last week when I invited you to think about two ideas:

1. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow … we’re not really in control
2. Life is brief … value each day

Leaders recognize the responsibility to lead their own lives before trying to lead others. To understand and value time is helpful.  When we live as if today is all we have we could begin to see the people and seize the moment.

What is really flying?

As we embrace the reality check of time this idea that “time flies” surfaces. 

When was the last time you said something about time flying? How often do you feel rushed or like you can’t get things done?

Logically, we know time is consistent; it is measured in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries for all of us … so what’s going on?

Professor Nancy Darling blogging on PsychologyToday.com writes about our experience with time.  She points out several theories related to why we may think “time flies”. 

1. Fewer new things happen later in life
2. Years are proportionally smaller to the whole of life lived
3. Our biological clock slows down
4. We miss external clues indicating the passing of time

To read more on these theories you can go here.

Additional research by Dr. William Friedman and his colleague, Steve Janssen is cited, too; here are their conclusions – what do you think?

First, the busier you are, the faster time seems to fly by. These results are robust across all ages.

Second, EVERYONE feels time is flying by. On average, on a scale from -2 (very slowly) to +2 (very fast), people of ALL AGES judged time to be passing fast (rating it higher than 1). 

Third, age differences were very small, and almost entirely limited – as had been found in the previous study – to the perception of how fast the last 10 years had gone by.

These findings…all come to the same conclusion:

Does Time Fly When You’re Getting Old?

Not really, no. But it does fly by when you feel rushed and can’t get things done. (Emphasis added)

When asked why, then, older people seem to feel like time was rushing by faster now than it was when they were younger, Dr. Friedman had two answers.

First, he suggested, this is such a strong folk belief that people report what they think they’re expected to feel.

More importantly, perhaps, he suggested that maybe as we get older, we just don’t remember how rushed we felt when we were young. 

What’s it costing us to fly?

Yesterday, I had an unusual day; some would say call it a “funk”.  I’ll spare you the details but it was not my normal, ask anyone that knows me.  So, what happened?

As I reflected on my previous week I flew through my week and not with Southwest Airlines. We were out of town over the weekend, I had back-to-back early morning appointments, and consistently went to sleep late; don’t ask what I think Daylight Savings Time. 

The pace of my week was out of control. My commitment to create space to take care of my mind, body, and spirit was disrupted. There was a price to pay, including lost productivity as I closed out my week.

• What if it’s not a misguided belief that follows all the talk about how rushed we feel?
• What if it’s really not about a fading memory of life a few years back? 
• What if it really is the pace we choose to live?

That’s right, it’s the pace we choose to live.

As I reviewed my schedule last week I made choices that displaced my time for reflection. Could I have done some things differently? Certainly, and it is my responsibility, no matter how crazy life is at times.

Bragging rights

When was the last time you heard someone brag on how rested they feel?  When was the last time you celebrated a “normal” workweek? What’s that, what would people think?

Here’s the real question: What’s it costing you to let life’s pace drive your day?

Having influence … with your life

What is one thing you could choose to change in order to create space for reflection? What is ONE thing you can do … read that book for 15 minutes, over lunch? Say “No” to … ? 

What ONE action will help you take control of the pace and get your feet back on the ground?

This week’s post has me a bit apprehensive as I write out of my journey with my story. If your worldview does not include “Christmas” you may want to pass on this one.  

This is a different read, but still about personal development; living life.

This may be a difficult read, depending on your story. 

Here is the email I sent our 3 married daughters and their husbands.  My goal was to help us “prepare the way” for our family gathering at Christmas…

* * * * *

Merry Christmas!

Thinking ahead to next week, the weather man tells us not to dream of a white Christmas like we had last year.

Do you realize that could be a once-in-a-lifetime Christmas? 

Actually, it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience!

Enough snow to go sledding; highways clear enough for you to make it “Home for Christmas”!

How much of life is “once in a lifetime”?

You’re right, all of it.

I know we continue to grow as a family. The age of your children is creating more  space, less chaos; we’re figuring out how to enjoy The Journey.  Today, I’m wondering…

How do we make this a memorable Christmas for them?

 Grandma with our 8 grand children.

 And, how do we create some space to allow us to connect as adults?

How do we connect even better with each other?

This is our first Christmas together with the children at this age.

This is our first Christmas together with the children at this age and the last.

Think about it, this is the first Christmas we’ll be together with our current story…our joy and gratitude, concerns and hopes for the future.

This is the first Christmas we’ll be together with everyone home…8 adults and 8 children; that’s quite a lot of people to play with, feed, bath, sleep, notice, and love.

However, this is not the first time we’ll come with high expectations only to experience some disappointment when it’s over.

This is the first and last time we’ll be together like this.

Once-in-a-lifetime!

How will we create space for everyone…the youngest to the oldest?

Let’s plan to that end.

You are amazing.

You and your mate…well we’re proud of you.

In fact, you and your family are awesome!

Love to you, Dad and Mom

*****

Prepare for Today

How will you prepare, not just for Christmas, but for today?

How well do you ”see the people”?

Yes, it’s all once-in-a-lifetime. 

May you find joy and peace as you live in the moment and find hope for the future.

Merry Christmas!

 .

Perhaps you started this conversation with me last week. We continue looking at the power of these two words: ”what” and “if”.

Remember, power provides us the ability, strength, and capacity to do something; to take action.

A question is simply a request for information, when properly framed it will help us stop and explore for truth. The power of a question comes from the truthfulness of the answer. 

Photo by Celesteh

Truth Brings Freedom

What do we need to move forward? Truth, facts, and reality.

Without truth we remain stuck in fear.

Questions help us stop and think.

When we give careful thought or reconsider previous actions, events, or decisions we find the path to freedom.  Feedback is that factual, truthful answer; when embraced, it can set us free to experience even greater success. 

Reflecting on “the story” using open-ended questions provides the ability, strength and capacity to

• Change unproductive behavior(s)
• Improve performance
• Make a difference in our world.  

That’s power!

Big Picture, Assessing Risk

Asking “What if?” can give us the power to take a risk and set us on the adventure of a lifetime. Consider Pablo Picasso’s perspective on risk-taking:

I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. 

The use of “What if?” sets us free to explore potential which usually involves some level of risk.

This nation was built by men who took risks – pioneers who were not afraid of the wilderness, business men who were not afraid of failure, scientists who were not afraid of the truth, thinkers who were not afraid of progress, dreamers who were not afraid of action.                                                                         -Brooks Atkinson

Asking “What if?” may be the self-evident application of this powerful, little question.

Reversing Procrastination, taking Action

Procrastination, you’ve heard of it, right?

It’s that inclination to postpone doing something, taking action…habitually.  Remember, power provides us the ability, strength, and capacity to do something.

So with further thought, what happens if we use “What if?” in the everyday, ordinary stuff of life, not just the adventure?  

What might happen if we ask “What if I go ahead and get this done…now?”

Perhaps the simple question that begs for an answer will provide the “power” to “do something”?

Consider Cary’s comment from last week’s blog:

I’m glad I asked myself, “What if I take a moment I don’t think I have to read Steve’s words of wisdom.  And what if, I told him how meaningful they were to me this very day?”

Thank you, Steve for some much-needed inspiration!

My reply to Cary follows…

What a great illustration. You applied asking “What if?” to the everyday, ordinary decisions of people with people journey…beyond the so-called “game changer” situations.

Thank you!

Now in light of your response (taking action) may I give you the answer to your 2 questions?

– I am humbled that you read what I write and it gives support to your day, today
– I am encouraged and determined to keep listening, writing, and passing along what I receive

Yes, your response to the possibility and opportunity has affected my life; thank you!

What might happen when you ask: “What if…” when

• inclined to hit the snooze button
• click the postpone button on that task reminder, again
• that prompt comes suggesting you reach out to another person offering positive support

Do you desire power to invite your risk-taker to show up and take action?

Do you want power to tell that procrastinator to get lost and take action?

What if . . . ?

What if you forward this to a friend?

What if you post a comment and engage in the conversation?

I’d love to hear your voice. 

.