Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a “map” for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.   - Anne Grant*

Photo by Steve Laswell - Trinity Church Parish House in Boston

My most recent “major project”, to use Anne Grant’s phrase, began on a Friday afternoon August 31, 2007. It was Labor Day weekend so our offices at the radio station were pretty well vacated.

As Station Manager of Spirit 102.3 I had scheduled an appointment with our VP/Market Manager to discuss a few programming matters … or so I thought.

Within the first couple of minutes I knew something was up, I just didn’t know what. Instead of discussing my agenda, the conversation quickly turned to the 2008 Budget. Corporate wanted substantial cuts; my future became the real agenda; my position was being eliminated.

To say I was in shock is no exaggeration and aptly illustrated by my question: “Are you telling me I’m not coming back on Monday?”

Indeed, I would not return on Monday.

I would go down the hall and pack my office and call Rita for a ride home; “my” company car was a company car.

My exit would be without the opportunity to say farewell to my team and people I truly cared about. No punch, no cookies, no farewell party for the “people person”.

Shock and awe does not overstate my emotional response.

Yes, I appreciated the assurance given that it was not a performance issue.

Yes, I appreciated the helpful severance package.

Still, I was treated like a piece of machinery, not a piece of humanity.

Last Wednesday was the Fourth Anniversary of that Friday-afternoon, end of this chapter, broadcast radio Story; that fast-track ended.

While reflecting on this part of my Story, I identified 4 steps in my response to that sudden jolt. Perhaps you can identify with my “shock-n-awe” chapter along your journey … here is what I did:

1. Breathe

When something surprising and upsetting comes, we experience shock; distress, numbness, or fear are indeed normal as the new reality sets in: I’m not coming back on Monday!

Oxygen is a grace gift from our Creator, it not only keeps us alive physically, it helps create space so we can think and helps quiet our heart and mind … a good thing for such times.

Breathe, don’t panic, “It’s just business.”

2. Forgive

Forgiveness is about freedom, our freedom.

Intellectually, I knew it was “just business” but emotionally it felt personal. So this is where a 10 year relationship brings us? This is how we will write the ending chapter of our Story?

Forgiveness is required for the other truth: it is more than “just business”.

How about some respect for the human being? No opportunity given to connect with my colleagues, direct reports, and friends; yes, friends. And, what about my sacrifices for the company?

While we could agree to disagree on the business decision, how I was “handled” was personally painful. Only forgiveness would keep from that self-limiting box and by God’s grace I escaped.

3. Create Space

Given the shock of this event, I was not prepared to make any quick decisions. As reality settled in, September was declared a sabbatical.

Sabbaticals are those designated times away from work usually for research, study, or travel and often with pay; that’s what I needed and was fortunate enough to have.

Within a matter of days, a lot of life was on the my calendar:

• my 53^rd birthday on September 4
• our sixth grandchild, Max, was born on September 5^th and required a few days in the NICU
• my wife Rita’s birthday, September 7
• our 31^st Wedding Anniversary, September 12

Thinking of September as a sabbatical released me to set October 1 as the date I would start working on “What now?” … which is what I did.

Creating space is critical to our ability to experience personal growth and continued success along the journey. It is vital to our ability to find our way and gain perspective after a sudden jolt.

4. Connect with others

I’ll never forget Lucy’s call. She was a consultant for our company and called as soon as she learned of the decision. She simply said “I believe in you.”  Thank you, Lucy and others who called over the days ahead.

(Note to self: when inclined to ignore news of someone’s jolt, move toward the person, it will never be forgotten and your call will make a difference.)

It’s not what we say; it’s that we care enough to call that matters.

These four steps – combined with my faith in God and my commitment to journal – helped me move forward into a life-changing transition bringing me to this spacious place I now enjoy as an executive coach.

What is your “sudden jolt” story?

How do you relate to these 4 steps?

What did you do to get through your “shock and awe” moment?

Please comment below.

*Anne Grant was a Scottish Poet; 1755-1838

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Your Guide to Changing Behavior and Growing Your Influence as a Leader

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In this guest post, Teri Aulph shares insights on how to influence the work place climate and the relationships that surrounds us.  Leadership is influence and influence is exerted in the people space of life, which can be unfriendly and unproductive at times. Consider how to make a difference with Teri’s practical suggestions.  

Do you know someone who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and found they were victim to someone’s bad behavior?Remember when you were a teenager and your parents warned you to be cautious about with whom you hung out?

Influence is a powerful skill. It is not exclusive to designated ‘leaders’, it is often found running rampant in the ‘evil-doer’ group, as well. The defining difference is those who influence with positive intent tend to do so by example. They are not covert in how they deal with others and demonstrate a more transparent model of behavior. Their success is a by-product of how they choose to treat people, make positive choices and manage their careers…as opposed to those who create false facades and manipulate others and situations.

Those who have the ability to negatively impact your success take a very different approach. They often recruit others into their circle in order to gain negative consensus about the company, managers, co-workers, etc. They like to work through people to stir the pot or rock the boat. In this way, the light rarely shines on them minimizing their exposure. These people take the credit for the good results and point fingers of blame when things go wrong.

How can this potentially affect your success?

Most managers are aware of who these people are. They watch to see who migrates into their circles and may form opinions about people who choose to spend time with them. Why they don’t move them out is a different issue and one for a different article.

If you find yourself in a workgroup or team with people who focus on destroying individuals, companies and/or general morale, I suggest the following:

• Keep in mind negativity and destruction can only flourish if fed. Avoid feeling pressured to participate. Turning a deaf ear and withholding attention from these people will send a message that you aren’t available to partake.
• Identify people within your workgroup or team who are strong, productive and have a sense of moving forward with positive intent. These people do not spend time focusing on what isn’t working, but focus on continual improvement and celebrating success.
• Beware of those who enter into your company as ‘too good to be true’ and have a tendency to always agree and say what people want to hear. If they target decision makers for attention by overtly agreeing and lavishing compliments – red flags should fly.
• Destructive people rarely send consistent messages. They alter their attitudes, language and behavior based on to whom they are speaking. You may hear them bashing a manager to a group of co-workers and later find he/she lavishing praise on the same manager face-to-face. This is certainly not sustainable behavior, but may create havoc before it is discovered.
• Never compromise your personal integrity and ethics. Trust your instincts and if something ‘feels’ wrong, it probably should be questioned and is most likely wrong.
• Organizational cultures often feed negativity by lack of communication, without even realizing the result. If you find yourself surrounded by employees questioning management, try to get to the truth. Often it is very different than the creation of rumors.
• Last, but not least, be positive. This is one of the most powerful traits you have the ability to control. Assume positive intent and avoid those who spread negativity and relish in the demise of others.

There is no perfect workplace, but we can influence the climate and landscape of what surrounds us. Find a way to remain focused on what is working well today and how it can be improved tomorrow. 

Last week’s article started this conversation which is really about

Photo by Wyscan

 managing our lives and constant change. 

This story about being “always connected” continues and will continue as we seek to find and maintain balance, effectiveness, and ourselves. 

Last week’s post led me to re-connect with an “old friend”; yes, of course by e-mail, at first, but in the fight for a more personal connection we agreed to schedule an ancient experience – voice to voice. Here is part of what my friend, Allison wrote…

Hi Steve,

Today was my daughter’s first day of kindergarten. My alarm (on my iPhone) went off at 6 A.M. I was tired and didn’t want to get up, hit the snooze and checked my email. I then proceeded to scan approximately a dozen emails that came in my inbox since 10:00 P.M. last night when I checked it last.  I then began reading your article on over-connectedness and started laughing to myself at the irony of reading this while lying in bed!

Now I’m thinking through your question: “What fear drives this need to be connected 24/7?”

Is it my fear of “not being connected“?

Or, to look at it another way, in my mind about one in seven emails will bring a reward of sorts.

Checking your inbox brings you a sense of being connected when you receive a note from a close friend or an email from an old acquaintance you haven’t heard from in a long time. It’s always fun to open your email and get a good referral or business lead isn’t it? Better yet, it’s exciting to get that email that confirms that the business deal you’ve been working on for several months is a done deal!

Maybe I’m just looking for a “good feeling” or affirmation.

Our family just returned from a week’s vacation in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. We didn’t take computers but Bob and I both brought our iPhones. We kept our “smart phone connecting” to a minimum, I think?

I appreciate Allison’s thoughts regarding what can drive this drive to be constantly connected: 1) Reward and 2) Affirmation.  What are you looking for?

Dr Pepper e-Mail Management Plan

After reading my post last week I set out to examine and adjust my compulsive commitment to “over-connectedness”.  Here are my first steps:

Step 1: I turned off 2 of the 4 email accounts coming to my iPhone

Step 2: Explored my “Dr Pepper E-mail Management Plan”.  If you’re not familiar with Dr Pepper’s marketing strategy here is the article Roger Grace wrote in the Metropolitan News-Enterprise, a Los Angles daily paper about Dr Pepper…  

It was in the 1920s that Dr. Walter Eddy at Columbia University studied the body’s metabolism. He discovered that a natural drop in energy occurs about 10:30 a.m., 2:30 p.m. and 4:30 p.m.  But he also discovered that if the people in his research study had something to eat or drink at 10, 2 and 4, the energy slump could be avoided.

After Dr. Eddy’s research findings were released, Dr Pepper challenged its advertising agency to come up with a theme which would suggest that Dr Pepper should be that 10, 2 and 4 drink which would keep the energy level up. The result was one of the most enduring of Dr Pepper’s advertising themes: Drink a bite to eat at 10, 2 and 4.

The Dr. Pepper Company pushed the notion that ingestion of sugar at 10, 2 and 4 was actually something healthful. And, of course, parents would want their children to engage in healthful practices. 

In these days when there’s a push to rid school cafeterias and vending machines of sugar-based products and those high in carbohydrates (which turn into sugar), it’s hard to imagine an ad like the one  appearing in the Sept. 23, 1930 edition of the Port Arthur (Texas) News. It was headed, “One Healthful form of Necessary Nourishment that kids need no coaxing to drink,” and said:

“Little ‘Human dynamos’ run out of ‘juice’ between meals. That’s why they tease for sweets. Sugar is the quickest energy food and Mother Nature knows it. She prompts the appetite. It’s as natural as hunger can be.”

If your kiddies crave sugar, give them as much as they want…but in a form that can’t be abused. Dr. Pepper contains fruit juice for flavor and health…pure sugar for quick-energy supply…and sparkling water for bulk and thirst. No tax on digestion. No ingredients that can possibly harm. The small proportions of sugar to water is a safety-valve against excess.”

How would this “craving” for email be satisfied with 10/2/ 4? Right, not so well; so I thought about adapting it to 8/10/12/2/4/6/8…of course, that left out first thing in the morning and last thing at night!  Seriously? 

“Craving”, what an interesting word to associate with this subject…a strong desire for something.  What do you crave that email seems to supply? Imagine losing your “smart phone”, how would you respond?  Why?

Yes, I’m still working to define an adequate schedule for checking email.

Step 3: I turned off the “you’ve got mail” alert (on my iPhone)

Yes, I recognize these are but a beginning.

The real question: How much space do you have in your life?

As an executive coach I work with people with a lot on their plate. Intensity shows up. Little or no margin in the schedule; not much time left for personal development.

We talk about “Creating Space”; the disciplined use of time, place, and resources to reflect on the story for truth. 

How do you create space in your daily routine?

Reflection allows you to examine your life, your thinking, your performance.  To give careful thought to your behavior and performance.  Creating space allows you to examine the path you are taking and make adjustments in line with your purpose, passion, and values.

Measure your life, it just does not have room for so much.                                                                                                - Seneca

What would be the benefit to you if you create space in your life?

What happens if we fail to create space?

This “Creating Space” for consistent reflection is the secret to personal growth.

The best predictor of sustainable success is the ability and willingness to learn and change achieved through consistent reflection on the story for truth.

-Steve Laswell

A failure to create space leaves us stuck in life.  Performance suffers, next level success is sacrificed.  Your experience of life lived with purpose and passion while making a difference in the world will be limited.  Your health, mental, emotional, and spiritual well being, your relationships will suffer unless you give yourself this gift of consistent reflection.

Allison closed her email by writing…

I don’t think I’ve really said anything here significant. I’m pondering all of this because I find this phenomenon extremely interesting, as if we’re witnessing something that has never happened before in our lifetime.

Does this sound dramatic? Maybe so, but I see it stealing away our relationships to some degree. It’s the great paradox. Everyone thinks they are “more connected” with computers and smart phones. Texting and Facebook keep us all in touch with more people. Could more be less? Less faces, more aloneness.

Now I will stop. I’m beginning to sound like Steve Laswell.

How are you managing your technological connections? 

What do you think?

For further reading: some other interesting articles if you want dig deeper:

• Wall Street Journal book review of Hamlet’s BlackBerry -“To Tweet or Not to Tweet”
• Scientists are studying this; check out The New York Times, Your Brain and Computers: “Outdoors and Out of Reach, Studying the Brain”   

It was a primitive trip with a sophisticated goal: to understand how heavy use of digital devices and other technology changes how we think and behave, and how a retreat into nature might reverse those effects.

• Regarding multitasking ““First Steps to Digital Detox” posted on The New York Times – Room for Debate blog

New research is showing that such immersion can cause multitaskers to have more fractured thinking and trouble shutting out irrelevant information, and that even when they are offline, those problems persist. A lot of Americans feel stress from juggling too much incoming information, but have to be online for work.

What are some strategies for unplugging from the demand of digital devices? Is there such a thing as too much multitasking?

Again, please comment below; I’d love to hear from you.

Photo by Idealisms

Last week I re-connected with a former employee, she ran a few minutes late for our 7:05 a.m. breakfast appointment.  It was fine, as I waited outside the restaurant enjoying a 68 degree late summer morning.

Upon arrival, she apologized and explained why she didn’t call…her phone is MIA; not really lost, just not coming out of hiding.  Apparently the battery is drained so forget the prompt suggestion, “Just call your phone.”

Of course, it’s not really a phone; it is a “Smart Phone”…an intelligent device…fashionable. 

Yes, I have one.  Yes, the iPhone 4. 

Yes, it’s for my business.

My journey to hyper-connectedness started with my Blackberry (model 6230 is an “antique” by today’s advanced technology standards; good grief, its all of 6-7 years old).  

Yes, I’d heard the stories of people sleeping with their Blackberry and heard the “CrackBerry” jokes.  My boss, at the time was thrilled that our management team was going to be connected and responsive.

I can remember (am I starting to sound “old”?) when we would let the old “land line” ring when a call came in during dinner, “They’ll call back.”  Once upon a time it was considered rude to sit at the table with privacy curtain of a newspaper cutting you off from others.

Exchange of Information

Communication is about the exchange of information between people; it’s delivering a message whether spoken or written or through behavior.  I love helping people become better communicators, people connecting with people.

There is another meaning to communication having to do with “access”.  This is the opportunity to approach or connect to get information.  No breaking news here, information is available 24/7 which is giving some traditional delivery systems the challenge of their lifetime.

When is 24/7 access too much?

Tim Ferris provides some interesting stats on his blog, “Experiments in Lifestyle Design” around e-mail addiction and information overload. Consider,

66% of people read email seven days a week and expect to receive a response the same day

61% continue to check email while on vacation

56% have anxiety if they can’t access email

“CrackBerry” was the official winner of the 2006 Word-of-the-Year as selected by the editorial staff of Webster’s New World College Dictionary. Blackberry addiction has been labeled “similar to drugs” in a study performed by Rutgers University; millions of users are now able unable to go more than five minutes without checking e-mail.

According to online surveys of more than 4,000 people, conducted jointly by AOL and the Opinion Research Corporation and reported in 2005:

41% of Americans check e-mail first thing in the morning

• 18% check e-mail right after dinner
• 14% check e-mail right when they get home from work
• 14% check e-mail right before they go to bed
• 40% have checked their e-mail in the middle of the night

More than one in four (26%) say they can’t go more than two to three days without checking email, and they check it everywhere:

• In bed – 23%
• In class – 12%
• In business meetings – 8%
• At the beach or pool – 6%
• In the bathroom – 4%
• While driving – 4%

So, how you doing…where does your behavior fit in?

The new “overtime”?

A recent article in the Chicago Sun-Times tells about a Police Sergeant suing for compensation due to his off-duty time spent working on his Blackberry.

Sgt. Jeffrey Allen’s job had him on an electronic leash of sorts.

Even when he was off duty, Allen says, he performed work on his department-issued BlackBerry. Now he wants to get paid for the off-duty time he spent on the device.

Allen has sued the city in federal court, seeking overtime pay for up to two years. His lawsuit, filed earlier this year, seeks OT for similarly situated officers, too.

“Over a period of years, I am confident there are hundreds of hours,” said Paul Geiger, one of his attorneys.

Allen was issued a BlackBerry while he was in the gang-investigations unit. “These guys, regardless of rank, are spending in some cases hours on the phone dealing with search-warrant issues and calls from supervisors about cases — and they’re working when it’s not their tour of duty,” Geiger said.

“We have reached a point in society where it’s very easy to get a whole lot of unpaid work from employees just by the use of these devices,” Geiger said. “I want people to get paid for the work they do.”

Who’s been sleepin’ in my bed?

The Pew Research Center is a nonpartisan “fact tank” that provides information on the issues, attitudes and trends shaping America and the world by conducting public opinion polling and social science research.  

Their recent report on Millennials provides interesting information on cell phone use. The line between work life and personal life is being blurred with each generation, with each new device. Millennials are being called the first “always-connected” generation in history. According to the report:

Millennials are more likely than older Americans to treat their cell phones as a necessary and important appendage. Many even bring their cell phones to bed. A majority (57%) of the public has placed their cell phone on or right next to their bed while sleeping. (Page 39)

What’s the price of “always connected”?

In 1992, the United Nations declared stress the “20th Century epidemic.”

In our fast-paced society, where information overload is common place and each day involves hundreds of decisions and interruptions, stress finds a fertile field. Perhaps nowhere is the rise in stress more real than your workplace.

An article on Bank of America’s Small Business website suggests,

Stress-induced health issues, absenteeism, employee turnover, and lower productivity cost our economy an estimated $300 million a year. On average, according to data from the Center for Economic and Policy Research, adults in the United States work longer hours and take less vacation than workers in any other industrialized nation. Perhaps then, it’s no surprise that a recent study of 2,500 American workers by CareerBuilder.com found that more than three out of four-77 percent-feel overworked and burned-out at their jobs.

What is the cost in your life of being “always connected”?

What are we afraid of?

One of my coaching exercises “Next Level Journey” delivers this powerful truth about what hinders sustained success.  The limitations become a box of sorts which is… 

Ancient behavior that hinders future success due to fear-based emotions.

Work that backwards and we see how ”fear” drives old behaviors, which hinder performance and success.

Here’s the question: What fear drives this need to be connected 24/7?

Leaving breakfast, my friend suggested she may not replace her “Smart Phone” opting out for “just a cell phone”.  Why? She’s enjoying the freedom.

What do you think?  How do you manage the expectation to be connected 24/7?

Please comment…I’d love to hear from you.

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Photo by U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service - NE Region

Intensity happens.

What happens when the heat index is this intense?

• People try to escape from it
• People tend to feel exhausted
• More effort is required to stay engaged
• Systems are pressed to their limit; air conditioning and dehydration come to mind…

The National Weather Service reminds us excessive heat is dangerous,

“The combination of hot temperatures and high humidity will combine to create a dangerous situation in which heat illnesses are possible.”

When something or someone is intense, it is an indication of an extreme degree of something…like the temperature, but of course I’m thinking about people. 

Intensity often shows up as a strength overextended, the use of force or authority, that raw emotion on display; unproductive behaviors.

Intensity happens. 

For most of us, “being intense” happens sooner or later; for some it’s right now, not later.  Which best describes you?

When does intensity happen in your work and life?

Intensity, as an unproductive behavior, often shows up when

• Expectations are not met
• Cooperation is not received
• One’s control feels threatened
• Emotion-based fear sits in the driver’s seat

One of my recent clients began their coaching engagement with “off the chart” intensity.  As we examine the story, his on-boarding was poorly managed with unrealistic expectations.  His up line manager’s behavior was driven by personal success and advancement, too.

Combine all the details with his core motive “to be right” and what happens?  Unregulated behavior (intensity) designed to say, “I’ll show you; I’ll prove I can do this job!”  This created success-limiting behavior. 

Misery accompanies “off the chart intensity” (like a hot summer day) and you know what misery likes, right? Yes, company.

Could that be “career-limiting intensity”?

Perhaps you heard about the JetBlue airline attendant, Steven Slater and his intense, on-the-job demonstration.  As the story goes, Slater reached his breaking point with an alleged passenger situation; he grabbed a beer, popped open the emergency exit door, took a ride down the inflatable slide, and ran across the tarmac to his car in employee parking.  Could that be “career-limiting”?

What’s interesting to me is how this story seems to resonate with people in the workplace.  It seems to be the “fantasy story” for a frustrated, under-appreciated, and over loaded work force.

Sara Kagle, an 18 year airlines’ veteran writes in the Wall Street Journal about her experience in the crew room after the misnamed “jump to freedom” incident.

I headed to the airport on Monday having just heard about JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater’s now famous jump to freedom. I expected a reaction, but not the phenomena that has followed. In the crew room, I could hear everyone sharing the news. The story was still unbelievable to me, and to everyone else. One fellow flight attendant didn’t believe me when I told her, another heard it and thought there must be more to the story — and, indeed, investigators are questioning the account.

But, mostly the reaction was the same: “I love this!” “Good for him!” “He’s my Hero!”

So, why do flight attendants feel this way? Do we really think that Steven Slater is a hero?

I’ll let you read her article for her take as this post is about the impact of intensity in your work.

How might you avoid an unfortunate, regrettable experience ignited by the demonstration of intense behavior? 

Three, no Four Simple Steps

Consider these simple actions as a place to begin to help manage your intense moments…

1. Breathe; a slow, cleansing, deep breath
2. Smile; (I know, it is counter intuitive, just try it and see)
3. Repeat, “I’m cool” (something is threatening your identity)
4. Reality Check: What’s true here? What’s my desired outcome?

Simple, not easy, especially during the intense moment. 

Consider this: What is the cost of intensity on your relationships, performance, health, and life?

My client emailed me after a couple of coaching sessions:

I have had a great couple of days.  I feel more confident and stronger than ever.  I also saw my level of intensity for the first time, kind of disappointing.    (Emphasis added)

Enjoy reflecting on these questions, if you wish:

1. How intense are you on a scale of 1 (low) to 6 (extremely)?
2. When are you the most intense?  Listen to your story…
3. How do you view your intensity, as a strength or weakness?
4. How do you think others experience you when you are intense?
5. How do you know that?

As for Mr. Slater

His unproductive behavior is allowing him to be charged with criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, and trespassing.  According to the WSJ, Slater

…has been cast as a working-class hero by some in the media and on the Internet for telling off rude passengers and then quitting in style.  His attorney said Slater…who pleaded not guilty to the charges, appreciates the support but isn’t enjoying the spotlight and only wants to return to aviation.

“This is a man who only cares about his industry, the airline industry,” Mr. Turman said. “He wants to thank JetBlue. It is a wonderful airline. Steven loves working for them and wishes to continue working for them.”

JetBlue has said that Mr. Slater has been suspended.

What is the impact of a “high intensity index” on others around you?  Much like the 105 degree temperatures people will…

• …try to escape from you
• …feel exhausted around you
• …invest more effort to stay engaged working with you
• …be pressed to their limit

Intensity has its price, so remember:

Breath…Smile…Repeat, “I’m cool.”

And, take that reality-check.

What do you think?  How do you combat “too intense” in today’s intense work place?

Please comment below; I’d love to hear from you.

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